Movies are a hobby of mine. I watch a lot of movies. The biggest reason being that I live in Korea and there's actually very little to do. For a while there is a novelty to being in another country and being out of your comfort zone. But after a while, the unknown and unfamiliar becomes familiar and even a little boring. So, when things get boring, I start looking for a little escapism and I chose to watch movies. As a consequence I would like to at least think that I've become somewhat familiar with movie trends. And what I'm seeing is a return to '80s style movies.
For those who read this that either didn't live through the 1980s or were too young to remember most of it, the '80s kinda sucked. Musically, the '80s is defined by synthetic sounds, big hair, and the less said about the New Kids on the Block and Vanilla Ice the better. But when it comes to movies, they were campy, mindless, but very entertaining. Sometimes, we get some movies and music that went against this trend and that's why they stood out as masterpieces. I'm talking about Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Highlander, Rocky, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Die Hard just to name a few. (And yes I'm well aware that Rocky and Star Wars began in the 1970s but it was close enough for me.)
So why do I bring all this up? Because everything that involved the '80s has become popular enough again that everything is getting remade. On TV we see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Voltron, and even Thundercats all modernized and relaunched for today's younger audience. We are getting "retro" movies based on 1980's television shows like GI Joe. But what bothers me the most are the remakes that are scheduled to come out: movies like Highlander and Conan the Barbarian.
My Dad often pokes fun at me because I like movies "from 30 years ago." And I take it as good natured fun. I certainly don't take offense to it. But it did get me thinking... Who doesn't like these movies? Apparently they are such great movies that Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street were so good that they had to be remade for a newer generation.
When did all this start happening? I don't know. I'm sure anyone can point to a certain movie that either did well or didn't and that was the beginning but really it's not the point. The point is that the 'retro' movement is in full swing. One of the most popular movies in the box office today is Rise of the Planet of the Apes! A prequel to the Planet of the Apes movie done way back in 1968... and remade in 2001.
I'm not against updating classic stories for today's youth. Really. I'm not. But they must be done well. Would anyone say Planet of the Apes (2001) was in any way a good movie? How about GI Joe? They're making a sequel with Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson by the way. Do you get the feeling that it's getting taken seriously? I sure don't. I'm a child of the '80s. I was born in 1980. I was around for it. The Berlin Wall fell just one day before my ninth birthday! I grew up watching the Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmonks. Do the research for yourself! 80's kids movies remade into movies today have all bombed at the box office. Parents want to take their kids to see it because it's what they grew up watching, kids want to see it because they are kids movies, studios want to make them because nostalgia is big money, and each one of them have been just HORRIBLE! Not because I'm too old to enjoy these movies, but because they fail on the most basic point in making these movies: They are nothing like what we remember them to be from our childhood. They take the name, get a bland children's script, and make a few quick bucks. It's embarrassing.
Here's the trick to nostalgia: You have a group of people that grew up with these kinds of stories. Let's take for example Conan the Barbarian. The remake hasn't been released yet but we can take some liberties from the theatrical trailer. The original came out in 1982 starring Arnold Scharzenegger and James Earl Jones. These guys were HUGE in the 1980s. They alone pushed this movie forward. As for the movie itself, it's epic. Really taking liberties with the classic story of Sparticus, Conan is kidnapped as a child and forced to work as a slave until he eventually breaks free, finds religion, and becomes a hero. Again, anyone from the 1980s probably saw this movie and liked it. So, to remake this story properly, generally speaking, we need to follow the story and get some of today's hottest actors. Who is in the 2011 Conan the Barbarian? Jason Mamoa, Rose McGowen, Rachel Nichols, and Mickey Rourke. Oh My God. Mickey Rourke aside, who are these people? Jason Mamoa? His biggest movie to date was a bit part in a Cedric the Entertainer movie? (Johnson Family Vacation) Rose McGowen some of you might remember she played a witch on the TNT TV series Charmed. Yeah. I don't remember her either. By the way, she's already being tabbed to play Red Sonja in that remake. God help us all. Has miss Rose been in any movies? Yes. She has. Scream, Death Proof, Encino Man, Monkeybone, and Biodome. If your most popular movies were supporting jobs to Pauly Shore, rethink your chosen profession. Rachel Nichols. Oh I didn't forget about you. What stellar performances have you been in to warrent being the love interest of Conan? The new Star Trek movie (a whole other rant I won't get into) GI Joe, and Dumb and Dumberer. In fairness she's done some other great dramatic movies and honestly she might do a good job. But does this cast scream "epic" to you?
Now watch the trailer for the Conan remake. What do you see? A lot of computer generated backgrounds, shaky camera shots, and scenes specifically meant to be seen with 3D glasses. (3D. also another rant for another time) But basically everything I hate about modern movies are being thrust upon a nostalgic movie and I'm supposed to just go with it and accept that this is how it is.
Where's my copy of the 1982 movie?
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