Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. I have to admit. I didn't see this one coming. I honestly thought this was going to be a good movie. The trailer makes it kinda creepy With voices in the darkness and you never really see anything clearly. Yeah. Now I know why. Seeing nothing is literally better than what they show you in this movie. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
What made this movie so bad? Let me try to go in some kind of order. I mean the screenplay for this movie was just so dull. I've seen other monster movies and it follows the same pattern to the letter. We start sometime in the past, some guy gets killed by the monster, flash forward to present day and the monster starts attacking the new people. Lather, rinse, repeat. But one important thing to remember as I describe the idiocy that is to come: They made this perfectly clear. "One life must be taken." One. As in the number. As in single.
As the movie begins, an old painter named Blackwood is trying to get the monsters to give him back his son. They took him down into this cave where the entrance is an old ash stove in the basement of his house. You see, they really like to eat teeth. But especially children's teeth. Being without a child handy, he kills his housekeeper, steals her teeth and knocks out his own and tries to bribe the monster. Instead they just take him down there too.
Right away we have ruined the continuity of the movie. "One life must be taken." Well, you didn't seem to have a problem taking two now did you? And we've already given away the identity of the monster, or should I just start saying it in plural form now, monsters: It's the tooth fairy. Already I want my money back and it's only been 3 minutes.
I've said this to my friends before: It takes a special kind of movie that can destroy any credibility it has with less than five words. Let me give you some examples: Highlander 2... zeist. Done. Star Wars Episode I... metachlorians. Done. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.... tooth fairies. Done. Credibility completely destroyed. And you figure out this little twist right away. There's no suspense.
Then we are introduced to our new target... I mean child. And my God did I want to hit this kid. Not the actress mind you. Bailee Madison was actually a really good actress in this movie. But the character she plays has to be the dumbest kid to have ever lived. I mean this is a kid you don't want running with scissors. She is the first to hear the tooth fairies calling out to her. So instead of getting scared or reaching for her medications, (Oh yeah. She takes anti-psychotics. But that doesn't ruin her credibility any. Kim played by Katie Holmes believes her almost immediately.) She goes to the basement and sees the door to the tooth fairies' lair bolted shut. What does she do? Opens it. I'd like to think that a normally functioning human being would not do that. 'There's creepy voices coming from an old furnace. They say they want to be my friend. I should open it.' And I don't know if I heard this right, but if I did... again, no credibility as a scary movie. When she was loosening the bolts, He had some trouble with it and I swear I heard the tooth fairies say, "go with the grain!" I nearly lost it in the theater. I tried to hard to hold back my laughter. "Go with the grain!"
So, how do the monsters look? Surely a scary looking monster would at least take some of the sting out of being 'the tooth fairy'. They are about half a foot tall, gray, and hairy. Yeah. Lame. I'm sorry. I can't take a monster serious if I can step on it and kill them. I don't care how many there are. We also know that they hate bright lights. Ok. The minute all this wierdness starts happening, I'd be looking to burn the house down.
But no we establish that the father in this movie played by not Mark Wahlberg, Guy Pierce spent all his money on this house so he can restore it and sell it off. I am not kidding. I honestly thought he was Mark Wahlberg the entire movie. Which then got me to start thinking about "The Happening". An M. Night. Shyamalan movie where Mark Wahlberg talks to the plants. How sad is it that I got more enjoyment thinking about out a horrible movie like "The Happening" than I did watching this?
But even if you don't want to burn the house down, couldn't you get a flamethrower and torch the inside of that furnace? Ok maybe not a flamethrower. I'm sure they are hard enough to get. But you could always throw a few molotov cocktails down there! The cave goes down for miles! Torch the buggers!
There were a lot of American movies playing today. I chose this one. I wish I chose Drive Angry. At least Nick Cage is always good for a few laughs.
I won't spoil the ending but needless to say it sucks. Don't watch this. It's not even good for laughs. It's just stupid all around. It's played too serious to be campy fun and I just couldn't take it seriously.
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