Ok. I wanted to make this into a video. But I'm having so many problems with getting it online I just decided to write it out. I really wanted to get this out before the official release because this movie is so bad, if I can save one person from going to see it, I'll feel some sense of accomplishment.
I went to the premier feature down in downtown Seattle. Luckily the ticket was free. I did have to wait an hour in line so I had to pay in inconvienence.
Where do I begin? If you don't like reading my reviews when I get really angry, please stop now. From here on out it's free floating hostility.
Right away I hated the protagonist. His name is Hopper. They took great pleasure in making him into one of the biggest screwups in cinema history. He doesn't have a job, a car, he's a drunk, and titanically dumb. Here's a perfect example: He walks up to this really hot girl. She wants a burrito. They aren't selling them in the bar right now. So, he breaks into a convenience store, breaks a lot of stuff, pays only for the burrito, and comes out and runs away from the police to deliver the burrito to the hot blonde girl. Instead of getting freaked out, she finds this really sexy. For some reason he doesn't go to prison even though he commited vandalism, breaking and entering, evading the police, and resisting arrest. No, he just joins the Navy instead. AS AN OFFICER! Maybe I'm nieve thinking only the best and brightest become officers in the US Navy. I guess even total screw ups can too.
So, he's dating this blonde girl and I am not kidding when I say I didn't learn her name until the 90 minute mark. It's not like she isn't in the movie. She's a major supporting character. She's in several scenes. But we never learn her name. Well, Hopper wants to marry hot blonde girl (Sam) and he has to ask permission from her father (Liem Neeson). Another guy whose name I never learn. He's just admiral hard ass to me. He kinda likes Hopper but because he's an unabashed screw up, he's constantly angry at him.
Hopper shows up to a ceremony late, then he's in a soccer game and gets kicked in the face. That of course leads to two officers getting into a brawl, and Hopper being dishonorably discharged.
Look. I'm not an unpatriotic guy. I "support our troops" but I don't see any need to constantly worship at the feet of our "fighting men and women." This movie paid so much lip service to the "greatest generation." While at the same time made the soldiers of today look so cartoonish. If I were a "troop" I'd think I'd be honored by giving all who serve the dignity they deserve and not leave main supporting characters unnamed and many of them functionally retarded.
Let's get to the aliens. If I focus on just how bad the first act is I'll never finish. Besides there's an embarrassing third act I need to get to as well. I'd say my two biggest problems with the aliens are 1) their overall design and 2) their really weird motivations. I'll start with the first point because that's the easiest.
Imagine if you will: a humanoid with a cat-like head, lizard eyes, and a goatee made of porcupine quills. That's the alien. In an explanation so brazen, because they have eyes like a lizard, they don't like sunlight. Yeah. You know. Like all those lizards that are cold-blooded and spend all day in the sun. Are you starting to see why I hated the movie so much?
Why did they come to Earth? Well, in between action scenes we get some lovely exposition from the exposition fairies that tell us that the lizard people from outer space are here to kill all humans. No real reason for that hypothesis but... okay. I'm not sure that's why they came. Because there were 5 ships. 1 crashed into Hong Kong. The others all landed near Hawaii. They only start firing their death pegs and killer gyro balls when the humans started attacking THEM! I think the aliens are just drunk college kids that were trying to call their moms and get a ride home.
If they were really here to kill all humans, why didn't they? They acted like the Borg. If the people weren't posing any kind of threat, they just left them alone. Instead they focus on turning on the signal so they can phone home. I really don't get these aliens. They are even psychic. For one scene anyway. It's not like they reference it again at any point.
So yeah the human ships all but one get blown up. And it's Hopper's boat. The Captain and the XO were both killed because they weren't on the bridge during an alien attack so Hopper the screw up is now the captain. And the smartest decision he ever made was giving command of the ship over to the Japanese officer that kicked him in the face and fought with him in the bathroom earlier in the movie. I'm pretty sure that's high treason. Giving command of a US vessel to a foreign military officer.
The movie plays out exactly the way you think it will. Hopper has an older brother, he gets killed by the aliens. He has to talk to the hot girlfriend's father, he eventually does. The screw up learns the value of responsibility and humility. The aliens are all blown up. If you're looking for any kind of surprise, look elsewhere.
I've been putting this off because this had to be the worst part of the whole movie. Because if you stop to think about it for even half a second you'll tear it apart like wet toilet paper. So I'll put it off just a little longer and talk about the hot girlfriend again. He's out hiking with a wounded veteran when the aliens attack. By wounded I mean he doesn't have any legs. By the end he found his inner super soldier and turned into Mean Joe Greene and was able to push the super strong aliens back on his heels.
I'm stalling. Ok. The USS Missouri scene. All the ships got blown up. All they have left is the USS Missouri. A battleship from WWII. Needless to say, it's a little out of date. In fact, it was turned into a floating museum 20 years ago. But for some reason there's still weapons on board. The Missouri has a diesel engine that hasn't run in 20 years and there aren't enough people to run the ship. Yes there's enough armaments to get a couple barrages in. The engine started right up with no problems at all. And then they found people willing to volunteer to run the ship. They got all the old guys from the ceremony to re-enlist.
Let's talk about the engine first. My car hadn't been driven for about 5 years. It didn't run. Because the battery was dead, the breaks were shot, and all the fluids got all gummed up. Imagine what a 70 year old decommissioned diesel engine would look like?
Now I have to be the jerk. 80 year old sailors. Really? I know it's supposed to be the big emotional moment. We're meant to see that them being the greatest generation they still have value and would be a great asset even now. Their wealth of experience and courage is invaluable. Here's the problem when you start to think about this critically. From the 1940s to now, the world has changed in REALLY dramatic ways. Ways I could write a whole book on. The way we fight wars is vastly different than what we did in WWII. Technology seems to make giant leaps forward every 5 years let alone 70. And let's keep it real. At 80 years old, your mind and body aren't as sharp as what they are at age 20. Let's just assume that none of these guys have seen combat since the end of the Korean War. Do you really think they are battle ready? And why were they even there? What happened to all the other military guys? Did they all just run away and leave the "greatest generation" behind?
I've had enough of this. It's been a while since I've been this pissed off at a movie. The story is told in clumsy exposition every 20 minutes, the action scenes often break the most basic laws of physics, the aliens look like something someone made by throwing darts at a dartboard, the story is beyond cliche, and the worst offense being that it really wanted us the audience to take it seriously, but then they proceed to have countless unnamed characters, several annoying comic relief characters, a protagonist that should've washed out of OCS in about a month, and the aliens are so lacking in motivation it's not clear if they are really killer invaders!
Please.... Please.... PLEASE.... DON'T see this movie. It's so bad!
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