THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!! I know that isn't a very comprehensive review but I'm so pissed off. And here's the worst part. I have to explain just how paper thin the story is and how it seems to take great pleasure in contradicting itself and treating the Russian people as barbaric idiots.
So guess what? SPOILERS!
But for reference: Rotten Tomatoes has this at a 95% fresh movie. That means they loved it. After reading this I hope you never listen to them again.
We start the movie off promisingly enough. It actually starts off with a very James Bond like opening. Then we see a random American agent running away in a heated fire fight. (insert William DeFoe from Boondock Saints here) And he escapes thanks to his trusty air mattress strapped to his back. And in the first three minutes we went from cool opening to just silly. But not long after that random American agent gets killed by random femme fatale. Why do I keep saying random? BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO THE F*** THESE PEOPLE ARE!
But that scene is getting boring so lets move on to the next one. Yes. I'm not kidding. That first scene just kinda happens and then we go to the next one. Oh but don't worry. The directors and the writers thought that opening scene was so good we get to see it again, but this time it's the extended edition! You know, the one where they tell you what the f*** you just saw! It's a 2 hour and 13 minute movie and the first half hour has padding. Oh joy!
Our next scene is a prison in Russia. Because hey. Why not? Well, we're here because Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is in prison. Why is Ethan in prison you might ask? More on that later. (emphasis on MORON!) Anyway, the IMF breaks Ethan out of jail but he doesn't want to go without his friend Bogdan (Miraj Grbic). Why are they friends? Why does Ethan want to break him out of jail so badly he has to go head first into a prison riot to do it? Why is Bogdan in any way important? Luckily none of these questions are at all answered in a sensible or satisfying way. Did I mention how much I hate this movie?
Fast forward a little bit and Ethan gets the mission for the movie. He has to break into the Kremlin to get information on a known radical nuclear terrorist. And right about here I start to have a brain aneurysm. Here's the scenario: The reason the random American agent was killed was because he was preventing Russian nuclear launch codes from being stolen and given to a known international assassin for hire. To get information on who is behind it all, Ethan has to break into the Kremlin and look at the secret files because they believe the guy was a former Russian scientist named Hendricks aka Cobalt (Michael Nyquist).
Quick question: why isn't Russian intelligence all over this? This is a terrorist plot on Russian soil, by a Russian nationalist (at least I think he's Russian), an alleged former Russian member of the government, stealing Russian nuclear launch codes to fire Russian nuclear missiles. And the only ones that know anything about this is the Americans? I know the USA has Ethan Hunt: Super Spy and all, but really? The Russians are completely clueless? I only have this to say to the writers of this movie: THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE NOT F***ING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! Get the red, white, and blue stick out of your a** and try to acknowledge other countries have smart people too. I know they don't go bragging about it as much, but Russia really does have smart people. This whole terror plot could've been avoided with a simple phone call. It would go something like this: Putin: hello? Obama: President Putin. This is President Obama. We have it on good authority a terrorist is going to try and steal nuclear launch codes and then try to blow up the Kremlin in an effort to frame the United States and start a nuclear war. Can you help? Putin: I will get my best men on it. Thank you President Obama. END OF MOVIE!
I'll end that tirade there so I can start tirade #2. Why was Ethan Hunt in prison. Well, it turns out that his wife was murdered by Serbians.... in Russia?.... and so he killed the guys who killed his wife. In the subplot of that subplot we have agent Brandt (Jeremy Renner). He failed in his mission to keep Hunt's wife safe so he retired from the field and became an analyst. And here we get into BIG SPOILER territory. But again I have to explain just how stupid this story truely is. Begin screaming in uproarious laughter in 3....2.....1....
Ethan Hunt's wife isn't really dead. That sound you just heard was the sound of your IQ dropping. For the last ten minutes of the movie I was just flipping the whole movie off. During the whole movie you made this big secret of why Ethan Hunt was in jail, about this secret mission that Brandt felt so guilty over, and in the last TEN MINUTES of the movie you just hand-wave it all away. The character development of the two central protagonists for the whole G**D*** movie and it was all a lie. Hunt's wife was alive the whole time. Hunt just set the whole thing up so she could live a normal life away from him and so he could get into the prison and meet Bogdan. Why? Simple question. Why? Why is Bogdan so important? He isn't. Yes, he's your way to meeting the arms dealer who knows some critical information (shoehorned into the 3rd act. that's next) but you had no idea any of this was going to happen. You didn't know Hendricks was going to contact this perticular arms dealer. YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HENDRICKS WAS COBALT!!!!!! Ethan Hunt killed six innocent men for no reason so he could get sent to prison for no reason. Which means the opening scene of him escaping from prison was for no reason. And that means the American super spies released all those prisoners in order to have a prison riot so Ethan could escape for absolutely know reason. Here you go Russia! All these super dangerous criminals have all been released onto the streets of Moscow. Enjoy and Merry Christmas from all of us here in the United States Government.
I need a minute before starting tirade #3..............................................................
Just take a moment to let all this stupidity settle.
I mentioned it before but I'll make it clearer now. Ethan Hunt goes to the Kremlin but while there Hendricks steals the information (that they never needed or bothered trying to find because they know the guy now) and he blows up the Kremlin. Ethan Hunt and his team are blamed. So, the entire spy network of IMF was disavowed. I could mention how all this could've been settled before all this happened with one phone call, but I digress. So, Hendricks has "the football" this metal case that launches and controls the nuclear weapons. And for some reason the Russians don't seem to notice. Probably still pissed about the Kremlin blowing up. Fine. Act II starts with the random female assassin making a sale of the nuclear launch codes. Hunt and the team come up with an overly elaborate plan with minimal probability for success. So, naturally all hell breaks loose. But here's the stupid part! Brandt's role in this movie is to point to all the plotholes so Ethan Hunt can just hand-wave them away. The people arrive early for the sale. So, that leaves the team scrambling. The terrorists bring along a scientist to verify the launch codes. So, Hunt instead of substituting the real codes with the fake codes, he thought it best to give him a copy of the real codes. Brandt being the only sensible person in the whole movie says this is stupid and it's far better that they don't get any codes at all and come up with a new plan. They do not..... Ethan Hunt: Super Spy. Let's let the terrorists have what they want and risk all out nuclear war. Do I need to say any more about this? So, they get away (probably because the team is being led by Ethan Hunt, a blithering idiot who can't find his a** with both hands) and that leads us into our shoehorned in subplot in Act III. The terrorists need a satellite to launch the missiles. Fine. Ok. This whole thing is starting to make my brain hurt and I'm not done yet. Let's just move on.
Well, I have to backtrack slightly. You see, the random American agent was in love with Agent Carter (Paula Patton) and so when random femme fatale assassin lady killed him, she made it personal.
Thus begins tirade #4.
While on a train (I know just go with it) they watch a video of Hendricks giving a speech in front of the Russian government about how wonderful for all humanity nuclear war would be. (and yet they never knew he was the world imfamous Cobalt, nuclear terrorist. F*** I hate this movie) and when it was settled they decided that random femme fatale assassin lady was an "asset" and so Agent Carter can't kill her yet. First they get Hendricks, then they can get random femme fatale assassin lady. Why is she an asset again? She doesn't know Hendricks. She doesn't know who she's meeting other than the guy's name. She's just selling what she stole. She isn't an asset. Go ahead and kill her. Who cares? But no they capture her and hey! Surprise! The random femme fatale assassin lady doesn't want to be captured. So she fights back! Agent Carter while fighting for her life she kicks random femme fatale assassin lady out the window to about a hundred story fall to her death. And this pisses everyone off. How dare you do that? What were you thinking not letting her kill you? SHE WAS AN ASSET! You know what, movie? Why don't you pucker up and kiss my asset? She isn't an assett. You just want to have another shoehorned in character development scene and it's stupid. It's also never mentioned again, so yeah, pointless.
Tirade #5. Last one I promise. I need a drink.
Do you know the best way to make your badass villian seem... less threatening? Do you know how to immediately dismiss the climax of a movie? I'll give you a hint.... HAVE THE ANTAGONIST COMMIT SUICIDE!!!!!!!! Long story short, (too late) Hendricks jumps off the car production line (product placement up the a**) so Hunt can't get the briefcase and stop the nuclear missle from hitting San Francisco. Yeah. You couldn't just throw the briefcase down there. He had to go with it. Just so he made sure it hit the ground. I can't get over how stupid that was. I just.... He could've gotten away! Throw the briefcase down! Hunt would have to go for that to stop the nuclear weapon. He wouldn't have time to go after you. The Russian secret service doesn't know anything other than Ethan Hunt is the equivalent of Osama Bin Laden. They don't know you! They should but they don't. Just the stupidity and blatent jingoism of this movie... What else is there to say but WHAT THE F***?
Don't watch this movie. Yes there are some funny scenes and a couple good one liners but it didn't take long for the movie to become irredeemable. I may never watch another Tom Cruise movie ever again. Just....Don't....
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