Well, a couple of things. First, this is a really great movie. I really enjoyed it. Second, this is a very uncomfortable movie to watch. As they would say in "Clockwork Orange" a lot of ultra violence and even more of the old in out.
I don't know any director alive who could do a better job with this movie than David Fincher. The same director that did Fight Club and Se7en brought the same grittyness and darkness to an already very violent movie.
Daniel Craig plays a journalist in persuit of a wealthy executive in Sweden. He is quickly disgraced and with his paper on the verge of ruin, he accepts a job investigating the disappearance of a wealthy man's daughter. He quickly learns that the family has more skeletons than a cemetary. Between the nazis, pedophiles, and backstabbers, it's no wonder most of the family doesn't talk to one another.
It's not must longer before Lizbeth (Roony Mara) enters the picture. Our titular character is just brilliant. I believe my old Feminist Studies professor would call her "a fully actualized feminist". While her back history is beyond depressing, she grew up to be a brilliant, strong, and independant woman. A person who lives her life exactly the way she wants. Others might call her a sociopath since she has no qualms about sex, thieft, and acts of ultra violence.
Needless to say, I'm in love with this girl.
The movie itself has more than a few images of rape. If you aren't comfortable watching very graphic images of rape, than it's going to spoil the movie for you. Lizbeth gets raped. Anally. It's very hard to watch. But the good news is that she does manage to get revenge against the guy very quickly and brutally. The movie doesn't labor too much on the ugliness of what happened. Instead it's used to show character. It demonstrates what kind of person Lizbeth is and how vengeful she truely could be.
It's an investigation movie so I can't really go too much into what happened but I will say I do understand why fans of the book might be disappointed. The most interesting part of the movie is the family, but little detail is given. The disfunction of this family is fascinating. I wanted to know more of just how this rich family can get so messed up. I'm sure the book goes into more detail when Mikael (Daniel Craig) is investigating.
So, would I recommend this movie? That's a hard question. I really liked it. But this really isn't a movie for the causal audience. Some parts are very uncomfortable to watch. I could've done without how much it labored on the rape scene and how graphically it was portrayed. The sadism is also hard to look at. If you have a problem with horrific images, I wouldn't recommend you go and see this movie. If you can convince yourself that it's just a movie and you can roll with the more disturbing parts, it's a very enjoyable movie.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
War Horse Review: Lots of sentiment, and little else
I liked this movie but I didn't really care for it all that much. It's a movie that just wants you to cry. But it just tries way too hard to do it. It's full of heart wrenching moments and after the first act, it just comes across as forced.
It reminds me a lot of American Tale. It's another story where the whole movie surrounds a great tragedy. While American Tale was all about Fivel and his adventure home, War Horse was more about the people around him. It was about the story of the people he touched. It's a shame because the horse showed so much personality and he wasn't the major focus of the story.
The horse (I call him horse because he changes names several times) begins as a farm horse and is then sold to a British officer as his personal mount during World War I. From there it's a story about how the horse went from one owner to the next.
It's a decent movie. It's Spielburg. It's heavy on scenery and visuals to enhance the mood. I just felt the acting was severely lacking and detracted from the whole experience. It's pretty good but I just can't recommend it.
It reminds me a lot of American Tale. It's another story where the whole movie surrounds a great tragedy. While American Tale was all about Fivel and his adventure home, War Horse was more about the people around him. It was about the story of the people he touched. It's a shame because the horse showed so much personality and he wasn't the major focus of the story.
The horse (I call him horse because he changes names several times) begins as a farm horse and is then sold to a British officer as his personal mount during World War I. From there it's a story about how the horse went from one owner to the next.
It's a decent movie. It's Spielburg. It's heavy on scenery and visuals to enhance the mood. I just felt the acting was severely lacking and detracted from the whole experience. It's pretty good but I just can't recommend it.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Top 10 Best movies of 2011 (That I saw)
Since I've given my opinion on the worst movies I saw this year, I will now share the movies I really enjoyed. Believe it or not, I saw a lot of really good movies. Many I enjoyed mostly because of how campy they were. Again, I obviously don't have the time, money, or the ability to go see every movie made this year, so I will instead focus on the movies I did go see. So, again there will probably be some movies I don't mention because I might not have watched it. To honor some movies I probably would've liked had I saw them, I'll have a list of honorable mentions. I hope to see them at some point, but I just didn't get around to it for various reasons. Without any further delay:
10) Paranormal Activity 3
This was a really scary movie. This is a "lost footage" movie done well. It's not going to win any converts, but if you want an example of how a low budget movie can be done for maximum effect, it's the Paranormal Activity series. Paranormal Activity 3 I felt wasn't as strong as the second one but it still was able to find creative and fun ways to scare the audience to death. It's heavy on atmosphere and gets you breathing hard without much effort. It's beautiful in it's simplicity. Give it a shot.
9) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
As a stand alone movie it's not very satisfying but it's not meant to be a stand alone movie. This is the epic conclusion to a grand saga stretching out over seven other movies. If you aren't a fan of this series you have no business watching the movie. But for those that watched from the beginning, this was the ending you wanted. A lot of action and a lot of emotion coupled with a grand adventure. Just a great conclusion to a great series.
8) X-Men: First Class
Other than probably being mis-titled, this movie had very few flaws worth pointing out. But I will say this: I'm not sure who the protagonist of this story is supposed to be. While it's easy to say that Charles Xavier is the moral high ground, much of the story is around Magnito. This is his story. We spend far more time developing his character and why he made the choices he did. And in the end we get a truely ambiguous/bitter sweet ending. That's what made me like this movie so much. It didn't preach, it mearly showed and let the audience decide for themselves. Would you follow the high ideals of Prof. X despite the betrayals and constant prejudice of the human race, or become militant and distrustful along with Magnito? There isn't a definitive answer. It's a super hero movie and it takes itself just serious enough to be a great new beginning.
7) Paul
I honestly don't know what it is I like about this movie. Maybe I just relate to the two vacationing nerds looking to have some kind of alien/sci-fi adventure traveling to all these spooky, known alien hotspots and telling scary stories. It sounds like a lot of fun. But then they meet a real alien: Paul. And his very presence starts challenging the way we think about life, religion, and our place in the universe... and then we see a very crude, potty mouthed alien who talks like he's had one beer too many. It's a buddy road trip movie with lots of nods to sci-fi geeks right down to a cameo by Sigorney Weaver! And best of all, it's funny!
6) Adventures of Tintin
This is an old fashioned adventure/treasure hunt. It's fun and full of colorful characters bound to entertain. The action is quick, the humor is spot on, and the story unfolds in a very satifying way. This movie has everything: the highly intelligent lovable dog, the grizzly old sea captain, the plucky news man, pirates, motorcycle chases, gun fights, crime, murder, shadowy figures, and even a little opera. I had a great time seeing it, and I hope you do as well.
5) Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows
In my top 10 worst list I mentioned Mission Impossible and Season of the Witch as examples of movies that had a great idea, and then chose to be stupid. Here is what I mean by a dumb action movie that can also be intelligent. I loved this movie. The banter between Holmes and Watson really carried it. There were things about it I didn't like, sure. But, what made me really love this movie was the inclusion of Moriarty. He is just an awesome villian. Suave, charming, intelligent, and if you cross him, he will end you. The way we are introduced to him is such a chilling moment and highlights just how dangerous this guy can be. The perfect foil for the world's greatest detective.
4) Captain America: The First Avenger
Great comic book movies are such a rare breed. But this one is just phenominal. Everything about this movie just clicked in the right way. The music, the acting, the scenery... everything was just perfect. What I especially loved was how they came to explain the goofy costume and the shield. They completely rewrote the back story but did so in a very credible way. And Captain America actually acts like a real hero. I know he has super strength and all that, but it's very clear the strength of his character is what makes him a hero. That inspires all the other characters in the movie and gives us the audience someone to pull for and sympathize with. I laughed, I cheered, and I cried. It was exactly the kind of comic book movie we need.
3) Source Code
The goal of any good science fiction story is to challenge our perceptions and inspire us to think about things in an entirely different way. This movie does that and then some. It's all about the nature of time and the inner workings of the human mind. It's about how we face death and what could lie beyond. It's about how far we as a society would go to save lives and keep our country safe. It's about how we should seize the day for who knows what will happen tomorrow. There's so much to talk about with this movie and it's hard to keep the summary short. It's a facinating movie and well worth your time.
2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
While I certainly understand why people reject this movie for being a needless prequel devoid of the surprise twist in the original Planet of the Apes, I think this one had a lot more to offer than a 'twilight zone' type twist ending. Andy Serkis brought so much life to Caesar the monkey. A character we see go through the best of times and the worst of times until his inevitable rise to leadership of the simian race. I agree that this was a movie that didn't necessarily need to be made to enhance the original, I'm still glad they did. It's a cautionary tale of man messing in matters we just aren't equipped to handle. It's about growing up and finding our own place in the world. It's impactful, it's emotional, and it's a great watch.
1) Contagion
If this movie doesn't win some kind of award, there is no justice. This is a movie without much of an agenda. This isn't a cautionary tale about how we live. This isn't trying to tell you what we as a society need to do differently. In fact, it's saying the exact opposite. There isn't anything we can do. Things are going to happen. People are going to die. There are 'superbugs' out there waiting to cause the next global pandemic and really there isn't anything anyone can do to prevent it. The entire movie felt less like a movie and more like a future dramatized documentary. As if these events happened sometime in the past and this was what it's like. Other than a few minor points, nothing in this movie felt forced or artificial. It's very restrained and somber. I've talked with several people who became somewhat germophobic after seeing this movie. Is there no higher praise for a great horror movie? And yes I consider this to be a horror movie. It's real people reacting in logical ways to a very real threat. And watching just how easily human society can break down scares the hell out of me.
Honorable Mentions:
The Company Men, From Prada to Nada, Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2, Hanna, Water for Elephants, Bridesmaids, Kung Fu Panda 2, Fright Night, Larry Crowne, The Help, Straw Dogs, Creature, Machine Gun Preacher, Hugo, The Muppets, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
10) Paranormal Activity 3
This was a really scary movie. This is a "lost footage" movie done well. It's not going to win any converts, but if you want an example of how a low budget movie can be done for maximum effect, it's the Paranormal Activity series. Paranormal Activity 3 I felt wasn't as strong as the second one but it still was able to find creative and fun ways to scare the audience to death. It's heavy on atmosphere and gets you breathing hard without much effort. It's beautiful in it's simplicity. Give it a shot.
9) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
As a stand alone movie it's not very satisfying but it's not meant to be a stand alone movie. This is the epic conclusion to a grand saga stretching out over seven other movies. If you aren't a fan of this series you have no business watching the movie. But for those that watched from the beginning, this was the ending you wanted. A lot of action and a lot of emotion coupled with a grand adventure. Just a great conclusion to a great series.
8) X-Men: First Class
Other than probably being mis-titled, this movie had very few flaws worth pointing out. But I will say this: I'm not sure who the protagonist of this story is supposed to be. While it's easy to say that Charles Xavier is the moral high ground, much of the story is around Magnito. This is his story. We spend far more time developing his character and why he made the choices he did. And in the end we get a truely ambiguous/bitter sweet ending. That's what made me like this movie so much. It didn't preach, it mearly showed and let the audience decide for themselves. Would you follow the high ideals of Prof. X despite the betrayals and constant prejudice of the human race, or become militant and distrustful along with Magnito? There isn't a definitive answer. It's a super hero movie and it takes itself just serious enough to be a great new beginning.
7) Paul
I honestly don't know what it is I like about this movie. Maybe I just relate to the two vacationing nerds looking to have some kind of alien/sci-fi adventure traveling to all these spooky, known alien hotspots and telling scary stories. It sounds like a lot of fun. But then they meet a real alien: Paul. And his very presence starts challenging the way we think about life, religion, and our place in the universe... and then we see a very crude, potty mouthed alien who talks like he's had one beer too many. It's a buddy road trip movie with lots of nods to sci-fi geeks right down to a cameo by Sigorney Weaver! And best of all, it's funny!
6) Adventures of Tintin
This is an old fashioned adventure/treasure hunt. It's fun and full of colorful characters bound to entertain. The action is quick, the humor is spot on, and the story unfolds in a very satifying way. This movie has everything: the highly intelligent lovable dog, the grizzly old sea captain, the plucky news man, pirates, motorcycle chases, gun fights, crime, murder, shadowy figures, and even a little opera. I had a great time seeing it, and I hope you do as well.
5) Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows
In my top 10 worst list I mentioned Mission Impossible and Season of the Witch as examples of movies that had a great idea, and then chose to be stupid. Here is what I mean by a dumb action movie that can also be intelligent. I loved this movie. The banter between Holmes and Watson really carried it. There were things about it I didn't like, sure. But, what made me really love this movie was the inclusion of Moriarty. He is just an awesome villian. Suave, charming, intelligent, and if you cross him, he will end you. The way we are introduced to him is such a chilling moment and highlights just how dangerous this guy can be. The perfect foil for the world's greatest detective.
4) Captain America: The First Avenger
Great comic book movies are such a rare breed. But this one is just phenominal. Everything about this movie just clicked in the right way. The music, the acting, the scenery... everything was just perfect. What I especially loved was how they came to explain the goofy costume and the shield. They completely rewrote the back story but did so in a very credible way. And Captain America actually acts like a real hero. I know he has super strength and all that, but it's very clear the strength of his character is what makes him a hero. That inspires all the other characters in the movie and gives us the audience someone to pull for and sympathize with. I laughed, I cheered, and I cried. It was exactly the kind of comic book movie we need.
3) Source Code
The goal of any good science fiction story is to challenge our perceptions and inspire us to think about things in an entirely different way. This movie does that and then some. It's all about the nature of time and the inner workings of the human mind. It's about how we face death and what could lie beyond. It's about how far we as a society would go to save lives and keep our country safe. It's about how we should seize the day for who knows what will happen tomorrow. There's so much to talk about with this movie and it's hard to keep the summary short. It's a facinating movie and well worth your time.
2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
While I certainly understand why people reject this movie for being a needless prequel devoid of the surprise twist in the original Planet of the Apes, I think this one had a lot more to offer than a 'twilight zone' type twist ending. Andy Serkis brought so much life to Caesar the monkey. A character we see go through the best of times and the worst of times until his inevitable rise to leadership of the simian race. I agree that this was a movie that didn't necessarily need to be made to enhance the original, I'm still glad they did. It's a cautionary tale of man messing in matters we just aren't equipped to handle. It's about growing up and finding our own place in the world. It's impactful, it's emotional, and it's a great watch.
1) Contagion
If this movie doesn't win some kind of award, there is no justice. This is a movie without much of an agenda. This isn't a cautionary tale about how we live. This isn't trying to tell you what we as a society need to do differently. In fact, it's saying the exact opposite. There isn't anything we can do. Things are going to happen. People are going to die. There are 'superbugs' out there waiting to cause the next global pandemic and really there isn't anything anyone can do to prevent it. The entire movie felt less like a movie and more like a future dramatized documentary. As if these events happened sometime in the past and this was what it's like. Other than a few minor points, nothing in this movie felt forced or artificial. It's very restrained and somber. I've talked with several people who became somewhat germophobic after seeing this movie. Is there no higher praise for a great horror movie? And yes I consider this to be a horror movie. It's real people reacting in logical ways to a very real threat. And watching just how easily human society can break down scares the hell out of me.
Honorable Mentions:
The Company Men, From Prada to Nada, Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2, Hanna, Water for Elephants, Bridesmaids, Kung Fu Panda 2, Fright Night, Larry Crowne, The Help, Straw Dogs, Creature, Machine Gun Preacher, Hugo, The Muppets, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows Review: Well worth the wait
This is a silly movie. In many ways this is what I mean when I say silly movies can also be intelligent and not insulting to the fans. I enjoyed this movie but to be fair, it is different from the first movie. While it does up all the elements of the first, it also subtracts a lot of things that I feel are missed.
A little backstory: I'm in the process of moving. I've been extraordinarily busy. But I did manage to get to see this movie on Saturday. Except the movie was sold out. At all times. Because the theater had it on the smallest screen and at only about six different times. So, I try the 12:30 show on Saturday. Sold out. I couldn't go to the 3:00 or the 5:30 show because I had to teach a class. A class that was cancelled and I wasn't told about that. So I tried to go to the 11:30 show. Sold out. Naturally I just said to hell with the 1:30 show and I'll come back tomorrow. It's now Sunday. Christmas. I go to the 9:50 show. There's one seat left. It's in the front row all the way to the left. Worst seat in the house. But, you know what? I took it. I wasn't going to wait another four hours to see this movie. I wanted to see it, I'm tired of walking the half hour to the movie theater in the horrible cold, so I took that seat. So, yes it wasn't the most comfortable experience.
This movie is very hard to talk about without giving away spoilers. Detective movies like this I'm always afraid to give something away. The details are all significant so I can't mention one thing without giving someone the hint. And that's what I liked most about this movie. Everything happened for a specific purpose. And once there is a reveal, you see all the pieces falling together. It's not like it's a complicated plan, but it is an intricate plan to do it without getting caught.
One thing that bothered me was how Holmes seems to be able to see into the future. I'm not talking about the Green Hornet/bullet time pre-fight, but more like how Holmes can set up things many steps in advance. Everything goes according to how Holmes thinks. I know it's to establish how smart he is, but it does stretch credibility a bit.
Jared Harris as Moriarty was just brilliant. He was just so evil. He reminded me so much of Hans Greuber from Die Hard. The way he can mix high brow sophistication with barbaric brutality was just wonderful.
I miss the Inspector. Inspector Lestrade really isn't in this movie. He and Holmes had great chemestry in the first movie. I would've liked to see him. But I understand why he wasn't. It's the same reason we don't see the thought process of how Holmes starts to suspect Moriarty: the movie is already 2 hours long. Some things just had to be cut.
Stephen Frye. I could've lived a happy life never seeing him naked. But that is something I can't unsee.
I really think this is a great movie. In the beginning it was very campy, full of lots of character moments and over-the-top spots. But once it started to play itself more seriously, it was very dark and dramatic. Go see it. I loved this movie. It's well worth the hassle I went through to see it.
A little backstory: I'm in the process of moving. I've been extraordinarily busy. But I did manage to get to see this movie on Saturday. Except the movie was sold out. At all times. Because the theater had it on the smallest screen and at only about six different times. So, I try the 12:30 show on Saturday. Sold out. I couldn't go to the 3:00 or the 5:30 show because I had to teach a class. A class that was cancelled and I wasn't told about that. So I tried to go to the 11:30 show. Sold out. Naturally I just said to hell with the 1:30 show and I'll come back tomorrow. It's now Sunday. Christmas. I go to the 9:50 show. There's one seat left. It's in the front row all the way to the left. Worst seat in the house. But, you know what? I took it. I wasn't going to wait another four hours to see this movie. I wanted to see it, I'm tired of walking the half hour to the movie theater in the horrible cold, so I took that seat. So, yes it wasn't the most comfortable experience.
This movie is very hard to talk about without giving away spoilers. Detective movies like this I'm always afraid to give something away. The details are all significant so I can't mention one thing without giving someone the hint. And that's what I liked most about this movie. Everything happened for a specific purpose. And once there is a reveal, you see all the pieces falling together. It's not like it's a complicated plan, but it is an intricate plan to do it without getting caught.
One thing that bothered me was how Holmes seems to be able to see into the future. I'm not talking about the Green Hornet/bullet time pre-fight, but more like how Holmes can set up things many steps in advance. Everything goes according to how Holmes thinks. I know it's to establish how smart he is, but it does stretch credibility a bit.
Jared Harris as Moriarty was just brilliant. He was just so evil. He reminded me so much of Hans Greuber from Die Hard. The way he can mix high brow sophistication with barbaric brutality was just wonderful.
I miss the Inspector. Inspector Lestrade really isn't in this movie. He and Holmes had great chemestry in the first movie. I would've liked to see him. But I understand why he wasn't. It's the same reason we don't see the thought process of how Holmes starts to suspect Moriarty: the movie is already 2 hours long. Some things just had to be cut.
Stephen Frye. I could've lived a happy life never seeing him naked. But that is something I can't unsee.
I really think this is a great movie. In the beginning it was very campy, full of lots of character moments and over-the-top spots. But once it started to play itself more seriously, it was very dark and dramatic. Go see it. I loved this movie. It's well worth the hassle I went through to see it.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Top 10 Worst movies of 2011 (That I saw)
Opinions are very subjective on what one person likes versus another. So, I feel the need to preface my top ten list by saying that this is purely my opinion and if yours varies, it's okay. Believe it or not, I love arguing about movies. It challenges me to see things from a different perspective and I welcome criticism just as much (well, maybe slightly less) as praise. Also, there will be some movies that are downright awful that aren't on the list simply because I didn't see them. I can't exactly call a movie "the worst ever" if I hadn't seen it. I don't claim to have much credibility but I do have to be honest. So, I will include an "honorable mention" (or in this case a dishonorable mention) section of movies I probably would've hated if I saw them. So, without further adeu:
10) The Adjustment Bureau
I know a lot of people liked this movie. I didn't. I found it offensive. I am a Christian so the idea of angels directly interfering in everyday lives, the lack of free will, and a tyrannical God who is in control of everything except when things just happen randomly, I get a little irritated. It's a love story about a guy who literally defies the will of God to be with a woman he randomly met once. Love doesn't work that way. God doesn't work that way. And life doesn't work that way.
9) The Green Lantern
My favorite comic book character has finally got his own movie. The greatest comic book character to never be featured in his own movie, and it's this one. The term "lackluster" just doesn't even seem to begin to describe it. What makes it worse is that Geoff Johns, the current Green Lantern writer, was a co-producer. Did he not read the script? Did they see just how poorly they understood the character of Hal Jordan? Did he read how just horribly wrong they made Parallax? Bottom line: this is a movie that satified nobody. Fans of the Green Lantern felt betrayed and non-fans either watched a terrible movie or just didn't bother to go and see it.
8) Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Way. Too. Long! I could go on and on about the childishness of Michael Bay. Transformers 3 has been his vechicle to play out all his sophomoric humor, his man crush on all things US Military, and random sexy women pin-up fantasies. Just throw in some giant robots fighting and people will go and see it. Despite all the action scenes in the hour long climax being illogical and over-the-top, the final hour of the movie isn't too bad. But wasting an hour and a half just to get to anything good was a test of endurance of monumental proportions. By the time anything fun happened I had already been witness to John Malcovich acting like an idiot, Shia LeBeouf acting like Shia LeBeouf, THE ANNOYING PARENTS, and yes even Ken Jeong "Deep Wang"ing me. I could go on forever on the poor characterization and how all the decepticons look alike, but why bother? It's an all around stupid movie.
7) Season of the Witch
Here's the first example of a story that had promise but decided it wanted to be stupid instead. A woman is accused of being a witch and Nic Cage along with Ron Pearlman have to bring her to a monestary for trial. And of course she isn't a witch, but instead she's a demon. And the last part of the movie again proved that the entire movie was completely pointless. She could fly to the monestary. Instead she just wanted to go for a ride and torment and try to stop the people from taking her to the exact place she wants to go. I'm not against stupid movies. But I am against stupid movies that treat me like I'm stupid and make me feel stupid for paying the money to go see it.
6) Immortals
What else can I say? They changed the story. A timeless tale of action and adventure just wasn't good enough so they had to change it so they can lecture us on politics and religion. Yes, there were some good fight scenes, but if Mickey Rourke can't save your movie, it's time to rethink what you're doing.
5) Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Again another movie that had a very interesting premise but decided it would rather be a dumb action flick. Much of the movie felt like they were trying to go back to the original Mission Impossible movie. The first one was a challenging story with some great, over-the-top effects. But this movie, we have actually very few death defying scenes and a house of cards story so thin I truely believe the whole scenario could've been avoided with a single phone call. Just like Season of the Witch, I felt dumber having seen it.
4) Colombiana
This movie is so bad I literally could plan a college level course on movie making just pointing out how dumb it is. It can't even be called a satisfying action movie since there is so little action! Zoe Saldana has really come into her own as an actress scoring roles in movies like Avatar and Star Trek, but in her first movie as the lead, she couldn't have done a worse job. Here's a tip, if there are more sex scenes than action scenes in your PG-13 movie, it's going to SUCK!
3) The Last Godfather
Holy crap I wanted to claw my eyes out after this one! How can I describe how annoying this movie is? Imagine if Steve Urkel were functionally retarded, in his mid 40s, Korean, and made the head of a crime family. That's this movie! The two nicest things I can say about this movie are 1) You didn't see it. It did so poorly in the Asian market it was never released in the USA, and 2) It's another failed experiment by a Korean director/actor to introduce Korean culture to an American audience. Korean humor is a lot of sight gags, pratfalls, and goofy faces. It's the kind of humor that doesn't work with an American audience over the age of eight. This and D-War are why good Korean movies will never be mainstream in America.
2) In Time
This is less of a movie and more a collection of time related puns. I hated Justin Timberlake's character. Just substitute "time" with "ice" and you would've had Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin. An absolutely annoying movie with nothing to add to any conversation. Sci-fi movies are meant to be challenging and show us other ways of thinking about life and science. This one just didn't. It was dull, drab, and titanically stupid.
1) Battle: Los Angeles
This one deserves top honors not only for being the worst movie of the year, but one of the worst alien invasion movies ever made. It had all the pacing of It Conquered the World sitting on a blender. This was a B movie with way too big a budget to be any fun. And you can tell a lot of money went into explosions because it sure didn't go into the acting or cinematography. Every scene was shot like it was on a handheld camera. I literally got motion sick watching all the shaking. There also wasn't a plot! All it showed, was a team of marines on one mission. It wasn't a special mission of any kind. It wasn't one of those "turn the tide" type missions. It was a very basic mission of search and rescue. I know missions like that are important, but they don't exactly make for a whole lot of drama in an alien invasion movie. Plus, with all the shaking I never got to see the aliens. The movie relied a lot on pointless action sequences with no real plot that I just couldn't stand to look at for more than twenty minutes. Battle: Los Angeles is destined for infamy.
Honorable Mentions:
Sucker Punch, The Dilemma, The Rite, Restless, Gnomeo and Juliet, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Big Mama's House 3, Unknown, I Am Number 4, Scream 4, Apollo 18, Fast Five, Conan the Barbarian, Cars 2, The Smurfs, Prist, Bad Teacher, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Zookeeper, Red State, Jumping the Broom, The Chaperone, Alvin and the Chipmonks: Chipwrecked, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 1.
10) The Adjustment Bureau
I know a lot of people liked this movie. I didn't. I found it offensive. I am a Christian so the idea of angels directly interfering in everyday lives, the lack of free will, and a tyrannical God who is in control of everything except when things just happen randomly, I get a little irritated. It's a love story about a guy who literally defies the will of God to be with a woman he randomly met once. Love doesn't work that way. God doesn't work that way. And life doesn't work that way.
9) The Green Lantern
My favorite comic book character has finally got his own movie. The greatest comic book character to never be featured in his own movie, and it's this one. The term "lackluster" just doesn't even seem to begin to describe it. What makes it worse is that Geoff Johns, the current Green Lantern writer, was a co-producer. Did he not read the script? Did they see just how poorly they understood the character of Hal Jordan? Did he read how just horribly wrong they made Parallax? Bottom line: this is a movie that satified nobody. Fans of the Green Lantern felt betrayed and non-fans either watched a terrible movie or just didn't bother to go and see it.
8) Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Way. Too. Long! I could go on and on about the childishness of Michael Bay. Transformers 3 has been his vechicle to play out all his sophomoric humor, his man crush on all things US Military, and random sexy women pin-up fantasies. Just throw in some giant robots fighting and people will go and see it. Despite all the action scenes in the hour long climax being illogical and over-the-top, the final hour of the movie isn't too bad. But wasting an hour and a half just to get to anything good was a test of endurance of monumental proportions. By the time anything fun happened I had already been witness to John Malcovich acting like an idiot, Shia LeBeouf acting like Shia LeBeouf, THE ANNOYING PARENTS, and yes even Ken Jeong "Deep Wang"ing me. I could go on forever on the poor characterization and how all the decepticons look alike, but why bother? It's an all around stupid movie.
7) Season of the Witch
Here's the first example of a story that had promise but decided it wanted to be stupid instead. A woman is accused of being a witch and Nic Cage along with Ron Pearlman have to bring her to a monestary for trial. And of course she isn't a witch, but instead she's a demon. And the last part of the movie again proved that the entire movie was completely pointless. She could fly to the monestary. Instead she just wanted to go for a ride and torment and try to stop the people from taking her to the exact place she wants to go. I'm not against stupid movies. But I am against stupid movies that treat me like I'm stupid and make me feel stupid for paying the money to go see it.
6) Immortals
What else can I say? They changed the story. A timeless tale of action and adventure just wasn't good enough so they had to change it so they can lecture us on politics and religion. Yes, there were some good fight scenes, but if Mickey Rourke can't save your movie, it's time to rethink what you're doing.
5) Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Again another movie that had a very interesting premise but decided it would rather be a dumb action flick. Much of the movie felt like they were trying to go back to the original Mission Impossible movie. The first one was a challenging story with some great, over-the-top effects. But this movie, we have actually very few death defying scenes and a house of cards story so thin I truely believe the whole scenario could've been avoided with a single phone call. Just like Season of the Witch, I felt dumber having seen it.
4) Colombiana
This movie is so bad I literally could plan a college level course on movie making just pointing out how dumb it is. It can't even be called a satisfying action movie since there is so little action! Zoe Saldana has really come into her own as an actress scoring roles in movies like Avatar and Star Trek, but in her first movie as the lead, she couldn't have done a worse job. Here's a tip, if there are more sex scenes than action scenes in your PG-13 movie, it's going to SUCK!
3) The Last Godfather
Holy crap I wanted to claw my eyes out after this one! How can I describe how annoying this movie is? Imagine if Steve Urkel were functionally retarded, in his mid 40s, Korean, and made the head of a crime family. That's this movie! The two nicest things I can say about this movie are 1) You didn't see it. It did so poorly in the Asian market it was never released in the USA, and 2) It's another failed experiment by a Korean director/actor to introduce Korean culture to an American audience. Korean humor is a lot of sight gags, pratfalls, and goofy faces. It's the kind of humor that doesn't work with an American audience over the age of eight. This and D-War are why good Korean movies will never be mainstream in America.
2) In Time
This is less of a movie and more a collection of time related puns. I hated Justin Timberlake's character. Just substitute "time" with "ice" and you would've had Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin. An absolutely annoying movie with nothing to add to any conversation. Sci-fi movies are meant to be challenging and show us other ways of thinking about life and science. This one just didn't. It was dull, drab, and titanically stupid.
1) Battle: Los Angeles
This one deserves top honors not only for being the worst movie of the year, but one of the worst alien invasion movies ever made. It had all the pacing of It Conquered the World sitting on a blender. This was a B movie with way too big a budget to be any fun. And you can tell a lot of money went into explosions because it sure didn't go into the acting or cinematography. Every scene was shot like it was on a handheld camera. I literally got motion sick watching all the shaking. There also wasn't a plot! All it showed, was a team of marines on one mission. It wasn't a special mission of any kind. It wasn't one of those "turn the tide" type missions. It was a very basic mission of search and rescue. I know missions like that are important, but they don't exactly make for a whole lot of drama in an alien invasion movie. Plus, with all the shaking I never got to see the aliens. The movie relied a lot on pointless action sequences with no real plot that I just couldn't stand to look at for more than twenty minutes. Battle: Los Angeles is destined for infamy.
Honorable Mentions:
Sucker Punch, The Dilemma, The Rite, Restless, Gnomeo and Juliet, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Big Mama's House 3, Unknown, I Am Number 4, Scream 4, Apollo 18, Fast Five, Conan the Barbarian, Cars 2, The Smurfs, Prist, Bad Teacher, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Zookeeper, Red State, Jumping the Broom, The Chaperone, Alvin and the Chipmonks: Chipwrecked, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 1.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Coming Soon: 12/21/11
Hello and Merry Christmas everyone. Let's see what's coming out just before the holiday season.
1) The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: A strange story of control, sexual assault, and manipulation
The Good: A psychological thriller directed by David Fincher. It's going to be awesome.
The Bad: It's just me but rape isn't a topic I like in my movies.
Final Thoughts: My discomfort aside, it's a powerful story told with the dark tone such things deserve. It'll be a big hit.
2) The Adventures of Tintin: A young reporter buys a model ship that leads to a great treasure hunt.
The Good: It's funny, well directed, and has Andy Serkis doing what he does best.
The Bad: nothing. I've seen it. It's a great movie.
Final Thoughts: I loved this movie. Go see it.
3) Albert Nobbs: A story of a woman forced to live as a man in the 19th century.
The Good: Glenn Close not only stars in this movie but also is one of the writers. It'll be tailor made for her.
The Bad: I don't see a whole lot of story here.
Final Thoughts: It'll be well acted, it will be dramatic, and for many I can see it being very boring.
4) The Flowers of War: An American tries to hide from the Japanese army in Nanking in 1937.
The Good: World War II stories are usually very intense. Told well they are great movies.
The Bad: I saw this movie before. It was called Shanghai. It's almost the exact same story.
Final Thoughts: Instead of John Cusack we get Christian Bale. I'm not sure Christian Bale is the correct guy to use when talking about the "Rape of Nanking". I'd skip this one.
5) We Bought A Zoo: The story of a father who buys a zoo and restores it.
The Good: A great cast coupled with a moving true story.
The Bad: It's really hard to be excited about a story like this.
Final Thoughts: It might be good. But I can definately see people falling asleep during the movie.
See you at the movies.
1) The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: A strange story of control, sexual assault, and manipulation
The Good: A psychological thriller directed by David Fincher. It's going to be awesome.
The Bad: It's just me but rape isn't a topic I like in my movies.
Final Thoughts: My discomfort aside, it's a powerful story told with the dark tone such things deserve. It'll be a big hit.
2) The Adventures of Tintin: A young reporter buys a model ship that leads to a great treasure hunt.
The Good: It's funny, well directed, and has Andy Serkis doing what he does best.
The Bad: nothing. I've seen it. It's a great movie.
Final Thoughts: I loved this movie. Go see it.
3) Albert Nobbs: A story of a woman forced to live as a man in the 19th century.
The Good: Glenn Close not only stars in this movie but also is one of the writers. It'll be tailor made for her.
The Bad: I don't see a whole lot of story here.
Final Thoughts: It'll be well acted, it will be dramatic, and for many I can see it being very boring.
4) The Flowers of War: An American tries to hide from the Japanese army in Nanking in 1937.
The Good: World War II stories are usually very intense. Told well they are great movies.
The Bad: I saw this movie before. It was called Shanghai. It's almost the exact same story.
Final Thoughts: Instead of John Cusack we get Christian Bale. I'm not sure Christian Bale is the correct guy to use when talking about the "Rape of Nanking". I'd skip this one.
5) We Bought A Zoo: The story of a father who buys a zoo and restores it.
The Good: A great cast coupled with a moving true story.
The Bad: It's really hard to be excited about a story like this.
Final Thoughts: It might be good. But I can definately see people falling asleep during the movie.
See you at the movies.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol Review RUSSIANS ARE NOT STUPID!!!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!! I know that isn't a very comprehensive review but I'm so pissed off. And here's the worst part. I have to explain just how paper thin the story is and how it seems to take great pleasure in contradicting itself and treating the Russian people as barbaric idiots.
So guess what? SPOILERS!
But for reference: Rotten Tomatoes has this at a 95% fresh movie. That means they loved it. After reading this I hope you never listen to them again.
We start the movie off promisingly enough. It actually starts off with a very James Bond like opening. Then we see a random American agent running away in a heated fire fight. (insert William DeFoe from Boondock Saints here) And he escapes thanks to his trusty air mattress strapped to his back. And in the first three minutes we went from cool opening to just silly. But not long after that random American agent gets killed by random femme fatale. Why do I keep saying random? BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO THE F*** THESE PEOPLE ARE!
But that scene is getting boring so lets move on to the next one. Yes. I'm not kidding. That first scene just kinda happens and then we go to the next one. Oh but don't worry. The directors and the writers thought that opening scene was so good we get to see it again, but this time it's the extended edition! You know, the one where they tell you what the f*** you just saw! It's a 2 hour and 13 minute movie and the first half hour has padding. Oh joy!
Our next scene is a prison in Russia. Because hey. Why not? Well, we're here because Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is in prison. Why is Ethan in prison you might ask? More on that later. (emphasis on MORON!) Anyway, the IMF breaks Ethan out of jail but he doesn't want to go without his friend Bogdan (Miraj Grbic). Why are they friends? Why does Ethan want to break him out of jail so badly he has to go head first into a prison riot to do it? Why is Bogdan in any way important? Luckily none of these questions are at all answered in a sensible or satisfying way. Did I mention how much I hate this movie?
Fast forward a little bit and Ethan gets the mission for the movie. He has to break into the Kremlin to get information on a known radical nuclear terrorist. And right about here I start to have a brain aneurysm. Here's the scenario: The reason the random American agent was killed was because he was preventing Russian nuclear launch codes from being stolen and given to a known international assassin for hire. To get information on who is behind it all, Ethan has to break into the Kremlin and look at the secret files because they believe the guy was a former Russian scientist named Hendricks aka Cobalt (Michael Nyquist).
Quick question: why isn't Russian intelligence all over this? This is a terrorist plot on Russian soil, by a Russian nationalist (at least I think he's Russian), an alleged former Russian member of the government, stealing Russian nuclear launch codes to fire Russian nuclear missiles. And the only ones that know anything about this is the Americans? I know the USA has Ethan Hunt: Super Spy and all, but really? The Russians are completely clueless? I only have this to say to the writers of this movie: THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE NOT F***ING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! Get the red, white, and blue stick out of your a** and try to acknowledge other countries have smart people too. I know they don't go bragging about it as much, but Russia really does have smart people. This whole terror plot could've been avoided with a simple phone call. It would go something like this: Putin: hello? Obama: President Putin. This is President Obama. We have it on good authority a terrorist is going to try and steal nuclear launch codes and then try to blow up the Kremlin in an effort to frame the United States and start a nuclear war. Can you help? Putin: I will get my best men on it. Thank you President Obama. END OF MOVIE!
I'll end that tirade there so I can start tirade #2. Why was Ethan Hunt in prison. Well, it turns out that his wife was murdered by Serbians.... in Russia?.... and so he killed the guys who killed his wife. In the subplot of that subplot we have agent Brandt (Jeremy Renner). He failed in his mission to keep Hunt's wife safe so he retired from the field and became an analyst. And here we get into BIG SPOILER territory. But again I have to explain just how stupid this story truely is. Begin screaming in uproarious laughter in 3....2.....1....
Ethan Hunt's wife isn't really dead. That sound you just heard was the sound of your IQ dropping. For the last ten minutes of the movie I was just flipping the whole movie off. During the whole movie you made this big secret of why Ethan Hunt was in jail, about this secret mission that Brandt felt so guilty over, and in the last TEN MINUTES of the movie you just hand-wave it all away. The character development of the two central protagonists for the whole G**D*** movie and it was all a lie. Hunt's wife was alive the whole time. Hunt just set the whole thing up so she could live a normal life away from him and so he could get into the prison and meet Bogdan. Why? Simple question. Why? Why is Bogdan so important? He isn't. Yes, he's your way to meeting the arms dealer who knows some critical information (shoehorned into the 3rd act. that's next) but you had no idea any of this was going to happen. You didn't know Hendricks was going to contact this perticular arms dealer. YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HENDRICKS WAS COBALT!!!!!! Ethan Hunt killed six innocent men for no reason so he could get sent to prison for no reason. Which means the opening scene of him escaping from prison was for no reason. And that means the American super spies released all those prisoners in order to have a prison riot so Ethan could escape for absolutely know reason. Here you go Russia! All these super dangerous criminals have all been released onto the streets of Moscow. Enjoy and Merry Christmas from all of us here in the United States Government.
I need a minute before starting tirade #3..............................................................
Just take a moment to let all this stupidity settle.
I mentioned it before but I'll make it clearer now. Ethan Hunt goes to the Kremlin but while there Hendricks steals the information (that they never needed or bothered trying to find because they know the guy now) and he blows up the Kremlin. Ethan Hunt and his team are blamed. So, the entire spy network of IMF was disavowed. I could mention how all this could've been settled before all this happened with one phone call, but I digress. So, Hendricks has "the football" this metal case that launches and controls the nuclear weapons. And for some reason the Russians don't seem to notice. Probably still pissed about the Kremlin blowing up. Fine. Act II starts with the random female assassin making a sale of the nuclear launch codes. Hunt and the team come up with an overly elaborate plan with minimal probability for success. So, naturally all hell breaks loose. But here's the stupid part! Brandt's role in this movie is to point to all the plotholes so Ethan Hunt can just hand-wave them away. The people arrive early for the sale. So, that leaves the team scrambling. The terrorists bring along a scientist to verify the launch codes. So, Hunt instead of substituting the real codes with the fake codes, he thought it best to give him a copy of the real codes. Brandt being the only sensible person in the whole movie says this is stupid and it's far better that they don't get any codes at all and come up with a new plan. They do not..... Ethan Hunt: Super Spy. Let's let the terrorists have what they want and risk all out nuclear war. Do I need to say any more about this? So, they get away (probably because the team is being led by Ethan Hunt, a blithering idiot who can't find his a** with both hands) and that leads us into our shoehorned in subplot in Act III. The terrorists need a satellite to launch the missiles. Fine. Ok. This whole thing is starting to make my brain hurt and I'm not done yet. Let's just move on.
Well, I have to backtrack slightly. You see, the random American agent was in love with Agent Carter (Paula Patton) and so when random femme fatale assassin lady killed him, she made it personal.
Thus begins tirade #4.
While on a train (I know just go with it) they watch a video of Hendricks giving a speech in front of the Russian government about how wonderful for all humanity nuclear war would be. (and yet they never knew he was the world imfamous Cobalt, nuclear terrorist. F*** I hate this movie) and when it was settled they decided that random femme fatale assassin lady was an "asset" and so Agent Carter can't kill her yet. First they get Hendricks, then they can get random femme fatale assassin lady. Why is she an asset again? She doesn't know Hendricks. She doesn't know who she's meeting other than the guy's name. She's just selling what she stole. She isn't an asset. Go ahead and kill her. Who cares? But no they capture her and hey! Surprise! The random femme fatale assassin lady doesn't want to be captured. So she fights back! Agent Carter while fighting for her life she kicks random femme fatale assassin lady out the window to about a hundred story fall to her death. And this pisses everyone off. How dare you do that? What were you thinking not letting her kill you? SHE WAS AN ASSET! You know what, movie? Why don't you pucker up and kiss my asset? She isn't an assett. You just want to have another shoehorned in character development scene and it's stupid. It's also never mentioned again, so yeah, pointless.
Tirade #5. Last one I promise. I need a drink.
Do you know the best way to make your badass villian seem... less threatening? Do you know how to immediately dismiss the climax of a movie? I'll give you a hint.... HAVE THE ANTAGONIST COMMIT SUICIDE!!!!!!!! Long story short, (too late) Hendricks jumps off the car production line (product placement up the a**) so Hunt can't get the briefcase and stop the nuclear missle from hitting San Francisco. Yeah. You couldn't just throw the briefcase down there. He had to go with it. Just so he made sure it hit the ground. I can't get over how stupid that was. I just.... He could've gotten away! Throw the briefcase down! Hunt would have to go for that to stop the nuclear weapon. He wouldn't have time to go after you. The Russian secret service doesn't know anything other than Ethan Hunt is the equivalent of Osama Bin Laden. They don't know you! They should but they don't. Just the stupidity and blatent jingoism of this movie... What else is there to say but WHAT THE F***?
Don't watch this movie. Yes there are some funny scenes and a couple good one liners but it didn't take long for the movie to become irredeemable. I may never watch another Tom Cruise movie ever again. Just....Don't....
So guess what? SPOILERS!
But for reference: Rotten Tomatoes has this at a 95% fresh movie. That means they loved it. After reading this I hope you never listen to them again.
We start the movie off promisingly enough. It actually starts off with a very James Bond like opening. Then we see a random American agent running away in a heated fire fight. (insert William DeFoe from Boondock Saints here) And he escapes thanks to his trusty air mattress strapped to his back. And in the first three minutes we went from cool opening to just silly. But not long after that random American agent gets killed by random femme fatale. Why do I keep saying random? BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO THE F*** THESE PEOPLE ARE!
But that scene is getting boring so lets move on to the next one. Yes. I'm not kidding. That first scene just kinda happens and then we go to the next one. Oh but don't worry. The directors and the writers thought that opening scene was so good we get to see it again, but this time it's the extended edition! You know, the one where they tell you what the f*** you just saw! It's a 2 hour and 13 minute movie and the first half hour has padding. Oh joy!
Our next scene is a prison in Russia. Because hey. Why not? Well, we're here because Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is in prison. Why is Ethan in prison you might ask? More on that later. (emphasis on MORON!) Anyway, the IMF breaks Ethan out of jail but he doesn't want to go without his friend Bogdan (Miraj Grbic). Why are they friends? Why does Ethan want to break him out of jail so badly he has to go head first into a prison riot to do it? Why is Bogdan in any way important? Luckily none of these questions are at all answered in a sensible or satisfying way. Did I mention how much I hate this movie?
Fast forward a little bit and Ethan gets the mission for the movie. He has to break into the Kremlin to get information on a known radical nuclear terrorist. And right about here I start to have a brain aneurysm. Here's the scenario: The reason the random American agent was killed was because he was preventing Russian nuclear launch codes from being stolen and given to a known international assassin for hire. To get information on who is behind it all, Ethan has to break into the Kremlin and look at the secret files because they believe the guy was a former Russian scientist named Hendricks aka Cobalt (Michael Nyquist).
Quick question: why isn't Russian intelligence all over this? This is a terrorist plot on Russian soil, by a Russian nationalist (at least I think he's Russian), an alleged former Russian member of the government, stealing Russian nuclear launch codes to fire Russian nuclear missiles. And the only ones that know anything about this is the Americans? I know the USA has Ethan Hunt: Super Spy and all, but really? The Russians are completely clueless? I only have this to say to the writers of this movie: THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE NOT F***ING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! Get the red, white, and blue stick out of your a** and try to acknowledge other countries have smart people too. I know they don't go bragging about it as much, but Russia really does have smart people. This whole terror plot could've been avoided with a simple phone call. It would go something like this: Putin: hello? Obama: President Putin. This is President Obama. We have it on good authority a terrorist is going to try and steal nuclear launch codes and then try to blow up the Kremlin in an effort to frame the United States and start a nuclear war. Can you help? Putin: I will get my best men on it. Thank you President Obama. END OF MOVIE!
I'll end that tirade there so I can start tirade #2. Why was Ethan Hunt in prison. Well, it turns out that his wife was murdered by Serbians.... in Russia?.... and so he killed the guys who killed his wife. In the subplot of that subplot we have agent Brandt (Jeremy Renner). He failed in his mission to keep Hunt's wife safe so he retired from the field and became an analyst. And here we get into BIG SPOILER territory. But again I have to explain just how stupid this story truely is. Begin screaming in uproarious laughter in 3....2.....1....
Ethan Hunt's wife isn't really dead. That sound you just heard was the sound of your IQ dropping. For the last ten minutes of the movie I was just flipping the whole movie off. During the whole movie you made this big secret of why Ethan Hunt was in jail, about this secret mission that Brandt felt so guilty over, and in the last TEN MINUTES of the movie you just hand-wave it all away. The character development of the two central protagonists for the whole G**D*** movie and it was all a lie. Hunt's wife was alive the whole time. Hunt just set the whole thing up so she could live a normal life away from him and so he could get into the prison and meet Bogdan. Why? Simple question. Why? Why is Bogdan so important? He isn't. Yes, he's your way to meeting the arms dealer who knows some critical information (shoehorned into the 3rd act. that's next) but you had no idea any of this was going to happen. You didn't know Hendricks was going to contact this perticular arms dealer. YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HENDRICKS WAS COBALT!!!!!! Ethan Hunt killed six innocent men for no reason so he could get sent to prison for no reason. Which means the opening scene of him escaping from prison was for no reason. And that means the American super spies released all those prisoners in order to have a prison riot so Ethan could escape for absolutely know reason. Here you go Russia! All these super dangerous criminals have all been released onto the streets of Moscow. Enjoy and Merry Christmas from all of us here in the United States Government.
I need a minute before starting tirade #3..............................................................
Just take a moment to let all this stupidity settle.
I mentioned it before but I'll make it clearer now. Ethan Hunt goes to the Kremlin but while there Hendricks steals the information (that they never needed or bothered trying to find because they know the guy now) and he blows up the Kremlin. Ethan Hunt and his team are blamed. So, the entire spy network of IMF was disavowed. I could mention how all this could've been settled before all this happened with one phone call, but I digress. So, Hendricks has "the football" this metal case that launches and controls the nuclear weapons. And for some reason the Russians don't seem to notice. Probably still pissed about the Kremlin blowing up. Fine. Act II starts with the random female assassin making a sale of the nuclear launch codes. Hunt and the team come up with an overly elaborate plan with minimal probability for success. So, naturally all hell breaks loose. But here's the stupid part! Brandt's role in this movie is to point to all the plotholes so Ethan Hunt can just hand-wave them away. The people arrive early for the sale. So, that leaves the team scrambling. The terrorists bring along a scientist to verify the launch codes. So, Hunt instead of substituting the real codes with the fake codes, he thought it best to give him a copy of the real codes. Brandt being the only sensible person in the whole movie says this is stupid and it's far better that they don't get any codes at all and come up with a new plan. They do not..... Ethan Hunt: Super Spy. Let's let the terrorists have what they want and risk all out nuclear war. Do I need to say any more about this? So, they get away (probably because the team is being led by Ethan Hunt, a blithering idiot who can't find his a** with both hands) and that leads us into our shoehorned in subplot in Act III. The terrorists need a satellite to launch the missiles. Fine. Ok. This whole thing is starting to make my brain hurt and I'm not done yet. Let's just move on.
Well, I have to backtrack slightly. You see, the random American agent was in love with Agent Carter (Paula Patton) and so when random femme fatale assassin lady killed him, she made it personal.
Thus begins tirade #4.
While on a train (I know just go with it) they watch a video of Hendricks giving a speech in front of the Russian government about how wonderful for all humanity nuclear war would be. (and yet they never knew he was the world imfamous Cobalt, nuclear terrorist. F*** I hate this movie) and when it was settled they decided that random femme fatale assassin lady was an "asset" and so Agent Carter can't kill her yet. First they get Hendricks, then they can get random femme fatale assassin lady. Why is she an asset again? She doesn't know Hendricks. She doesn't know who she's meeting other than the guy's name. She's just selling what she stole. She isn't an asset. Go ahead and kill her. Who cares? But no they capture her and hey! Surprise! The random femme fatale assassin lady doesn't want to be captured. So she fights back! Agent Carter while fighting for her life she kicks random femme fatale assassin lady out the window to about a hundred story fall to her death. And this pisses everyone off. How dare you do that? What were you thinking not letting her kill you? SHE WAS AN ASSET! You know what, movie? Why don't you pucker up and kiss my asset? She isn't an assett. You just want to have another shoehorned in character development scene and it's stupid. It's also never mentioned again, so yeah, pointless.
Tirade #5. Last one I promise. I need a drink.
Do you know the best way to make your badass villian seem... less threatening? Do you know how to immediately dismiss the climax of a movie? I'll give you a hint.... HAVE THE ANTAGONIST COMMIT SUICIDE!!!!!!!! Long story short, (too late) Hendricks jumps off the car production line (product placement up the a**) so Hunt can't get the briefcase and stop the nuclear missle from hitting San Francisco. Yeah. You couldn't just throw the briefcase down there. He had to go with it. Just so he made sure it hit the ground. I can't get over how stupid that was. I just.... He could've gotten away! Throw the briefcase down! Hunt would have to go for that to stop the nuclear weapon. He wouldn't have time to go after you. The Russian secret service doesn't know anything other than Ethan Hunt is the equivalent of Osama Bin Laden. They don't know you! They should but they don't. Just the stupidity and blatent jingoism of this movie... What else is there to say but WHAT THE F***?
Don't watch this movie. Yes there are some funny scenes and a couple good one liners but it didn't take long for the movie to become irredeemable. I may never watch another Tom Cruise movie ever again. Just....Don't....
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