Opinions are very subjective on what one person likes versus another. So, I feel the need to preface my top ten list by saying that this is purely my opinion and if yours varies, it's okay. Believe it or not, I love arguing about movies. It challenges me to see things from a different perspective and I welcome criticism just as much (well, maybe slightly less) as praise. Also, there will be some movies that are downright awful that aren't on the list simply because I didn't see them. I can't exactly call a movie "the worst ever" if I hadn't seen it. I don't claim to have much credibility but I do have to be honest. So, I will include an "honorable mention" (or in this case a dishonorable mention) section of movies I probably would've hated if I saw them. So, without further adeu:
10) The Adjustment Bureau
I know a lot of people liked this movie. I didn't. I found it offensive. I am a Christian so the idea of angels directly interfering in everyday lives, the lack of free will, and a tyrannical God who is in control of everything except when things just happen randomly, I get a little irritated. It's a love story about a guy who literally defies the will of God to be with a woman he randomly met once. Love doesn't work that way. God doesn't work that way. And life doesn't work that way.
9) The Green Lantern
My favorite comic book character has finally got his own movie. The greatest comic book character to never be featured in his own movie, and it's this one. The term "lackluster" just doesn't even seem to begin to describe it. What makes it worse is that Geoff Johns, the current Green Lantern writer, was a co-producer. Did he not read the script? Did they see just how poorly they understood the character of Hal Jordan? Did he read how just horribly wrong they made Parallax? Bottom line: this is a movie that satified nobody. Fans of the Green Lantern felt betrayed and non-fans either watched a terrible movie or just didn't bother to go and see it.
8) Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Way. Too. Long! I could go on and on about the childishness of Michael Bay. Transformers 3 has been his vechicle to play out all his sophomoric humor, his man crush on all things US Military, and random sexy women pin-up fantasies. Just throw in some giant robots fighting and people will go and see it. Despite all the action scenes in the hour long climax being illogical and over-the-top, the final hour of the movie isn't too bad. But wasting an hour and a half just to get to anything good was a test of endurance of monumental proportions. By the time anything fun happened I had already been witness to John Malcovich acting like an idiot, Shia LeBeouf acting like Shia LeBeouf, THE ANNOYING PARENTS, and yes even Ken Jeong "Deep Wang"ing me. I could go on forever on the poor characterization and how all the decepticons look alike, but why bother? It's an all around stupid movie.
7) Season of the Witch
Here's the first example of a story that had promise but decided it wanted to be stupid instead. A woman is accused of being a witch and Nic Cage along with Ron Pearlman have to bring her to a monestary for trial. And of course she isn't a witch, but instead she's a demon. And the last part of the movie again proved that the entire movie was completely pointless. She could fly to the monestary. Instead she just wanted to go for a ride and torment and try to stop the people from taking her to the exact place she wants to go. I'm not against stupid movies. But I am against stupid movies that treat me like I'm stupid and make me feel stupid for paying the money to go see it.
6) Immortals
What else can I say? They changed the story. A timeless tale of action and adventure just wasn't good enough so they had to change it so they can lecture us on politics and religion. Yes, there were some good fight scenes, but if Mickey Rourke can't save your movie, it's time to rethink what you're doing.
5) Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Again another movie that had a very interesting premise but decided it would rather be a dumb action flick. Much of the movie felt like they were trying to go back to the original Mission Impossible movie. The first one was a challenging story with some great, over-the-top effects. But this movie, we have actually very few death defying scenes and a house of cards story so thin I truely believe the whole scenario could've been avoided with a single phone call. Just like Season of the Witch, I felt dumber having seen it.
4) Colombiana
This movie is so bad I literally could plan a college level course on movie making just pointing out how dumb it is. It can't even be called a satisfying action movie since there is so little action! Zoe Saldana has really come into her own as an actress scoring roles in movies like Avatar and Star Trek, but in her first movie as the lead, she couldn't have done a worse job. Here's a tip, if there are more sex scenes than action scenes in your PG-13 movie, it's going to SUCK!
3) The Last Godfather
Holy crap I wanted to claw my eyes out after this one! How can I describe how annoying this movie is? Imagine if Steve Urkel were functionally retarded, in his mid 40s, Korean, and made the head of a crime family. That's this movie! The two nicest things I can say about this movie are 1) You didn't see it. It did so poorly in the Asian market it was never released in the USA, and 2) It's another failed experiment by a Korean director/actor to introduce Korean culture to an American audience. Korean humor is a lot of sight gags, pratfalls, and goofy faces. It's the kind of humor that doesn't work with an American audience over the age of eight. This and D-War are why good Korean movies will never be mainstream in America.
2) In Time
This is less of a movie and more a collection of time related puns. I hated Justin Timberlake's character. Just substitute "time" with "ice" and you would've had Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin. An absolutely annoying movie with nothing to add to any conversation. Sci-fi movies are meant to be challenging and show us other ways of thinking about life and science. This one just didn't. It was dull, drab, and titanically stupid.
1) Battle: Los Angeles
This one deserves top honors not only for being the worst movie of the year, but one of the worst alien invasion movies ever made. It had all the pacing of It Conquered the World sitting on a blender. This was a B movie with way too big a budget to be any fun. And you can tell a lot of money went into explosions because it sure didn't go into the acting or cinematography. Every scene was shot like it was on a handheld camera. I literally got motion sick watching all the shaking. There also wasn't a plot! All it showed, was a team of marines on one mission. It wasn't a special mission of any kind. It wasn't one of those "turn the tide" type missions. It was a very basic mission of search and rescue. I know missions like that are important, but they don't exactly make for a whole lot of drama in an alien invasion movie. Plus, with all the shaking I never got to see the aliens. The movie relied a lot on pointless action sequences with no real plot that I just couldn't stand to look at for more than twenty minutes. Battle: Los Angeles is destined for infamy.
Honorable Mentions:
Sucker Punch, The Dilemma, The Rite, Restless, Gnomeo and Juliet, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Big Mama's House 3, Unknown, I Am Number 4, Scream 4, Apollo 18, Fast Five, Conan the Barbarian, Cars 2, The Smurfs, Prist, Bad Teacher, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Zookeeper, Red State, Jumping the Broom, The Chaperone, Alvin and the Chipmonks: Chipwrecked, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 1.
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