I have so much to say and not much of it is positive. If you don't like to read my reviews when I'm angry, then sorry... you aren't going to enjoy this. If you like it when I get worked up, then get strapped in ladies and gents because it's going to get loud.
I'll start with the positive. I don't think this movie is a sequel. The look of Cobra Commander is completely different and thank God it is. In the previous movie he looked like crap. Now he actually looks like Cobra Commander. Another reason I don't think it's a sequel is because Storm Shadow is in the movie. In the first one, Storm Shadow died. Now he's fine. Maybe he got better. Either that or Storm Shadow is our lord and savior. And another thing... all the characters from the original G.I. Joe movie are all gone. Yeah, Duke is in the movie... but then he dies at the end of Act I so don't get too attached. Destro is in it as well, but he dies before Duke. And we really only see his eyes... kinda... so don't expect him in the next movie. Everyone else is noticeably MIA. There's no Baroness, no General Hawk, no Heavy Duty... They don't appear in the movie and we are left to assume they were all killed. Why? More on that later.
Now it's time to shift gears and go into frothing at the mouth rage. THIS MOVIE IS UNWATCHABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It physically hurts to watch it. The director, Jon Chu, before doing this movie did a series of dance and music related movies. And it shows. There's no way in hell he has ever shot an action scene before in his life. It's all this Michael Bay/Mark Neveldine style of action scene that is physically painful. It's a simple formula for stock/no talent directing: 1) get the shot as close as possible while still barely able to make out what the hell it is the audience is looking at. 2) Lower the frame rate so everything gets a little blurry. That way it mimics speed lines from old 1980's Japanese anime. 3) Shake the f***ing camera as much as humanly possible. And finally 4) Whatever you do, don't have any camera angle last longer than 2 seconds. IT'S GOD AWFUL!!!! It's all about distraction. Don't let the audience see what is going on! When you realize the people we are watching can't actually fight, then the illusion is ruined. So, it's better for the audience to not see the action scenes quite so clearly.
If you don't want the audience to see the action scenes too clearly... DON'T F***ING MAKE THE ACTION SCENES SO G**D*** LONG!!!!!!!!!!! Here's the movie format: action... action... talk... action... action... action... filler... action... action... exposition... action... action... action... transition... action... action... action... info dump... action... action... action... action... End.
Oh let's talk about the story now. Because I feel I have to explain this to the morons who wrote and put this movie together. It's a movie. Do you know why it's called a "movie"? Well, it's because a long time ago, they used to be called a "motion picture." Picture: as in something we see. And Motion: as in it moves. If this sounds condescending, it's because it is. Because that's how I feel after watching G.I. Joe Retaliation. I feel condescended to. Understand this filmmakers: action scenes de-void of context are just noise. Flashy scenes for the sake of having a flashy scene is not cool. Story matters. Characters matter. If you think a quick expulsion of info dump equals character development... I have news for you... it doesn't.
Let me talk about the characters while I start poking holes in a very flimsy story. I'm going to start with Roadblock. What do we know about him? He has two daughters. And I can only assume they were issued to him along with his uniform. He doesn't have a wife. Or if he does we never see her. It's quite the plot hole too because he has a very nice house and when he is declared dead, he's able to go right up to his house with daughters right there waiting for him. I know what you're thinking. That's pretty small. Nothing to really get upset about. Oh wait. It gets better.
Now we are going to talk about Jinx. Here's what I know about her. She's a woman. And looks kind of Asian. Elodie Yung of course is half Cambodian/half French. RZA had a small little throw away line that really bothered me. He said, "I know you think she is a spy Snake eyes." And right there I was just waiting for some elaboration. I CAN COUNT THE NUMBER OF LINES SHE SAYS IN THE MOVIE ON ONE HAND!!!!! You can't just throw things out there like that! What does she do to win over Snake Eyes? What does she say to prove she isn't a spy? Either have her in the movie or don't! Is she in the movie? She has an action scene or two but her presence is largely ignored.
Since we are talking about bad ass females being largely ignored, let's talk about Lady Jaye. It's not until an hour into the movie we get anything that resembles character development. We still don't know anything about her. We never get any kind of personality. She looks hot and that's about it.
The story is basically what you see in the trailers. Zartan is still impersonating the President of the US. He is planning to release Cobra Commander and they in tern are going to build a new weapons system, kill off all the Joes, hold all the nuclear nations hostage, and... you guessed it... take over the world. And they succeed. Until the Joes defeat Cobra and make the world safe for nuclear proliferation.
But I have to say the number one thing that really pissed me off was Storm Shadow. When you established that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow have a blood feud going. One where Storm Shadow has taken rather extreme measures to never speak again until he has avenged his master and defeated Storm Shadow, having them fight side-by-side doesn't really appear to be on the menu. But that isn't a problem. We'll just have a quick five minute talky scene and fix that right up. Now all the ninjas are good guys and are fighting Cobra... because Lee Byung-Hun and Ray Park are awesome fighters. Yes, I know in the comics Storm Shadow switches sides... a lot. But this movie never earned that. It only takes five minutes of talking to completely re-write the relationship between blood enemies? That's a lot like saying in a few minutes we can get Superman to work for Lex Luthor.
I really hated this movie. My head hurt after seeing it and the story is beyond awful. Watch the 1980s cartoon movie. That at least has some drama and a few characters to like.
YO JOE!!!
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