Just from the trailers alone, you know this isn't going to be anything like the book. There's an airship for crying out loud! And is there any other perfect symbol for this entire movie? An airship?!? Something so stupid, cheesy, out of place, and flat out glorious that it borders on brilliant?
Don't worry, those that like to read because I get irritated... it's coming. But right now I want to mark out a little. It's campy as all hell and it starts immediately. We are introduced to Athos as a ninja. Yes. Athos (Luke Evans) is a ninja. Next is Aramus (Matthew MacFadyen). He's also a ninja but he's also a pimp with the ladies. Then, there's Porthos (Ray Stevensen). Yeah he's Hercules. Watching these opening fight scenes was just glorious. They didn't zoom in and shake the camera. Instead they went the other route and did it in slow motion. It works so much better I can't even describe it. Just being able to see what is happening is such a plus.
Anyway, they sneak into Da Vinci's secret library and steal the plans to the airship. Don't worry I'm not going to spoil the movie, but really this isn't a movie you watch for the plot. I'll just say that the plot creeps in right after the musketeers are celebrating their successful mission. If you are familiar with movie cliches then you should already know what happens. I'll let it go unsaid in this review.
We fast forward a year later so we can be introduced to D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman). Here the movie follows the book a little. D'Artagnan leaves his home to become a musketeer like his father. Yeah, this scene sucks but it gets better. He runs afoul of Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), the one eyed captain of Cardinal Richelieu's (Christoph Waltz) private army.
Overall, the acting is pretty good. I was most impressed not by the main stars but by James Corden. Who is he? Well, he's not Chris Farley but he does a great impression. He's our comedy relief character during the movie. He's Porthos' man servant. He reminded me a little of Donnie from The Big Lebowski. Mostly for how many times he was told to shut up and how badly he was treated.
So, now for some unbridled anger. If you are a fan of the book, like I am, then this movie is an embarrassment. The technology doesn't fit the time period. It's like having a mechanical spider in the old west. Oh yeah. They did that too. Screw you Wild Wild West. Just to save my own sanity I won't go into the butchering of history. But what pissed me off the most as a movie goer was the blatent sequel bating! It's bad enough this movie used just about every movie cliche possible, but it had to go that extra little bit and tag on sequel bait! I really enjoyed this campy version up until that happened. No it didn't ruin the whole movie for me, but it is a horrible way to end a movie. If you want a sequel, that's what retcon is for! Just use the sequel bait as the lead in for your sequel! Nobody is going to see this and be excited for a sequel! What's wrong with you!
The director Paul W.S. Anderson just loves making horrible movies. And it shows. His other works include: Mortal Kombat, DOA: Dead or Alive, AVP: Aliens Vs Predator, and the Resident Evil series. Even when he makes a somewhat good movie like Event Horizon it's still just average.
Ok. Anger is leaving. Is it a good movie? No. But it is enjoyable. If you like watching weird stuff and pretty good action scenes, (with an unnecessarily confusing plot at times) than it's pretty good. Honestly, the plot of the movie interferes with the fun. So, grab your popcorn, check your brain at the door, and have a little fun.
PS If you want a good Three Musketeers movie, watch the 1973 version. And Mr. Anderson can go back to making horrible video game movies.
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