Movies I Want To See: September

Summer is over, kids are going back to school, and it's a new month.  I saw some really great movies this Summer and I also unfortunately saw some that I could do without.  What am I personally excited for in September?  Unfortunately, not too many.  But let's take a look at the big list.

1) Dredd 3D:  The trailers look great, but I think what really attracts me to it is the contrast to the Stallone version.  The Stallone version was not what anyone would call a great movie but it is a guilty pleasure and very quotable.  This one takes the source material a little more seriously and instead wants to be a legitimate action movie.  I have no idea if it will succeed in it's expectations or not, but I'm interested.

2) End Of Watch: For those not old enough to remember, but I would say the first reality show was COPS.  It was a show where cameras follow around on-duty cops and watch all the crap that cops have to put up with on a daily basis.  That's basically this movie but with a structured plot.  It has a few things I know I'm going to hate: shaky cam being the most irritating, but it's a first person movie and this is how you do the first person cam movies right.

3) Trouble With The Curve: It's Clint Eastwood.  The guy is hilarious.  And he also happens to be one of the greatest actors/directors of my generation.  The guy doesn't do bad movies.  And I LOVE baseball!  This is the one I'm most excited to see.  I know it's basically every movie he's done in the last few years with a crotchity old man reconnecting with his daughter.  Who cares?  It's Clint Eastwood!  It's going to be done well.

4) Solomon Kane: I can't explain why I want to see this movie.  Honestly it doesn't look all that good.  It's a generic action flick with a guy dressed like Jonah Hex fighting demons and those loose skin guys from Star Trek: Voyager.  It just looks fun.

See you at the movies

From the Vault: Three Amigos! (1986)

Made back in 1986, this was a farcical comedy starring and written by Saturday Night Live alumnai.  Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, and Martin Short play an acting trio at the end of their careers.  After being kicked out of their studio, stripped of their costumes, and with very little acting prospects left, they got a letter from a fan in Mexico.  Thinking they were offered a job, instead the 'fan' didn't know they were just actors and was actually trying to hire heroes to save her village from the bandito El Guapo!

Chevy Chase and Steve Martin both showcased their comedic talent on the wildly successful television series Saturday Night Live.  If it was Steve Martin being a wild and crazy guy or Chevy Chase in the Weekend Update anchor chair, both were huge hits on tv.  They used SNL to propel themselves to several great comedies.

Since the title Dos Amigos doesn't quite have the same effect as Three Amigos, Martin Short was brought on to fill out the trio.  At the time, Martin Short was an unknown commodity.  He was new to movies.  But from 1984-1985 he was on a little tv show called Saturday Night Live.  And if you haven't caught on yet, this movie is largely influenced by SNL.

If you're looking for a really funny movie, this one might not have you rolling in the isles, but it does have a few hilarious moments.  Alfonso Arau as El Guapo was very funny and a great addition to comedic legends Chevy Chase and Steve Martin.  The laughs don't really hold up to time but for someone like me who remembers when Saturday Night Live was really funny, this is a great piece of nostalgia.

If nothing else it feeds my craving for a plethora of pinatas.

Coming Soon: 8/31/12

Well, summer is just about over and that means it's time for the fall crawl of disappointing movies.  More kids are going to be in school so it's time to put out the movies most people aren't going to want to see.  A shame really.  I've seen some good ones already... and my fair share of turkeys.  What can we look forward to this week?

1) LAWLESS: The true story of infamous Virginia Bootleggers the Bondurant Brothers.

The Good: Think of it like a gangster movie mixed with a cowboy movie and realize it's a true story.

The Bad: I hate Shia LeBeouf.  A lot.  And I'm not sure the supporting cast from The Dark Knight Rises can save it.

Final Thoughts: If I were to pick one movie to go see this week, it would probably be this one.  But I still really hate Shia LeBeouf's acting.

2) THE POSSESSION: The "true" story of a little girl being possessed by a demon.

The Good: It's the Exorcist but with Jews instead of Catholics.

The Bad: It's a rehashing of the Exorcist.

Final Thoughts: Why can't I just watch the Exorcist on DVD and not pay the 10 dollar movie price?

3) FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL...: Two completely different Females become roommates and business partners in the phone sex industry.

The Good: Nia Vardalos doesn't get enough work.  And she's in this.

The Bad: I refer you to the premise of the movie and let you fill in the blanks.

Final Thoughts: How in the hell can you make phone sex interesting enough to make into a movie?

4) THE DAY: In a post-apocalyptic world, five people take shelter at a farmhouse.

The Good: It's ALMOST a zombie movie.

The Bad: I don't have the time or the patience to lay out everything wrong with a movie like this.

Final Thoughts: It has the words "post-apocalyptic world" in the premise.  Enough said.

See you at the movies

Coming Soon: 8/24/12

Expendables 2.  A movie so nice I saw it twice.  It got me thinking though.  What about an all female Expendables movie?  Who would you want in that movie?  I came up with a nice list.  Here's who I'd like to see.  Angelina Jolie, Sigorney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, Lucy Liu, Lucy Lawless, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Pam Grier, Michele Yeoh, Zhang Ziyi, Cynthia Rothrock, and finally Linda Carter.  Those are some kick ass women right there.  Feel free to add in your own favorites.  In the meantime, here's what is coming out this week.

1) PREMIUM RUSH: A delivery boy on a bike is the target of crazed people trying to get a package away from him.

The Good: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a true up-in-comer in Hollywood.  His movies are awesome.

The Bad: Movies like this are a dime a dozen and done better.  aka The Transporter.

Final Thoughts: I'm not in a huge hurry to see it.  But I won't call it bad either.  It just doesn't grab my attention.

2) HIT & RUN: A couple on a road trip are chased by police and an old flame.

The Good: Car chases galore!

The Bad: It's another buddy road trip comedy that really doesn't know if it wants to be goofy or gory.

Final Thoughts: Wait to rent it.  I don't see anything that attracts me to this one.

3) THE APPARITION: During a parapsychology experiment they unleash a spirit that feeds on fear.

The Good: An interesting premise and some really cool looking effects.

The Bad: Having an interesting premise doesn't mean good execution.  Plus, once you start thinking about the internal logic of how believing in something makes it real the story falls apart pretty quickly.

Final Thoughts: Don't waste your time or money.  This one is going to be painful.

See you at the movies

Expendables 2 Review: Yippie ki yay The Lone Wolf Will Be Back

Much like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, this is a movie that defies reviewing.  If you're an stupid '80s action movie fan, then you're going to enjoy the hell out of this movie.  It has just about everything you could ask for in a stupid '80s style movie.  It has the guys getting shot and then exploding.  It has the funny one-liners.  It has humor.  It has evil bad guys being evil bad guys.  If you were to run down the checklist of crappy '80s style action movies, it checks all the boxes. 

But why are we really going to see this movie?  The stars.  Yep.  It has Chuck Norris.  And in one of the many inside jokes, his character is called "The Lone Wolf."  If you don't know who Lone Wolf McQuade is... do I need to go tell you to go see it?  It has Chuck Norris AND David Carradine.  Enough said.  Go see it.  NOW!!! 

This is a movie that aspires to be a dumb movie.  If that doesn't appeal to you, it won't win any converts.  The story is one of the guys on Barney's team gets killed in the line of duty.  So, Barney (Stallone) cancels the mission and starts one of his own... Revenge.  That's the movie.  Barney has to go get the MacGuffin.  He does.  He loses the MacGuffin.  His friend gets killed and now it's revenge time.  It's simplicity itself.

The only thing I found a little disappointing was that Jet Li leaves the movie very early on.  Before he goes, he has an intense fight scene and it left me wanting more.  Perhaps in Expendables 3.  The other disappointing part was that Mickey Rourke wasn't in the movie.  I honestly don't know what happened to him.  I assumed he died because they talk about a dead old man.  Kinda. 

All the name jokes are there.  Hale Caesar, Toll Road, but now we also have Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme).  Come on now.  The villian is literally named Vilain.  He is Jean the Villian. 

Expendables 2 is a loud, dumb, cheesy, gory, explosion filled '80s action cliche-filled movie.  And it is immensely enjoyable. 

The Bourne Legacy: Where's Bourne?

I'm just going to start by saying that this movie is okay.  It wasn't great but I found it a lot more interesting than say Total Recall.  Before I start commenting on the movie as a whole, I think I'm going to have to give this movie an incomplete.  I don't remember the Bourne Trilogy all that well.  I saw them a long time ago and my memory of them isn't as fresh as I'd like it to be.  And so much of the plot of this movie has to do with what happened in the Bourne Trilogy that I'm guessing a lot of my confusion about this movie could probably be answered if I came in more prepared.  So, in fairness, I'm reserving judgement.

The action scenes in this movie were pretty good.  There were a lot of close up/shaky cam stuff, but it wasn't as bad as I've seen in other movies.  I find it hard to even talk about this issue because nothing about it was all that remarkable.  I think the coolest action scene was near the beginning with Aaron Cross up in Alaska.  That whole scene with the wolves was awesome.  The motorcycle chase in the Philppines was cool as well, but it was just too close and shaky for me to really enjoy. 

It's the story that was a bit of a hangup for me.  And as I said before I'm not sure if it's because I don't remember the Bourne Trilogy that well or not.  Here's the story: They (whoever they are) are shutting down this super soldier program.  That means killing all the agents and the scientists who created these pills that turn people into super soldiers.  Well, they miss one.  Aaron Cross.  The rest of the movie is "They" chasing Cross and the beautiful female scientist Marta Shearing.  And that's about it.  I have no idea why "They" were shutting down this program, I don't know who "They" are protecting, and I don't know why "They" had to kill everyone.

For me, there is a carrot and a stick approach.  I'm sure the scientists could've been bought off but they never even tried.  They went straight to murder.  Is any of this explained in the Bourne movies?  Maybe.  I don't remember.  I'm sure the biggest question is explained and that's why the agency is being shut down.  I remember that Bourne exposed the program and that's why it's all being shut down.  But why kill everyone?  That seems a bit extreme when bribery works with the threat of assassination.  Granted a less interesting movie.

So, that's about all I have to say.  It's good, but the plot of the movie is so intertwined with the Bourne movies that it really feels like there's a lot of missing information if you haven't seen them or just don't remember what happened.  Bourne is referenced so many times in this movie I fully expected Matt Damon to make a cameo.  The movie ends on a very obvious piece of sequel bait so expect another Bourne movie to come out within the next few years.  If Jeremy Renner is the lead actor again, I'm there.

Coming Soon 8/17/12

The last movie I saw was Total Recall.  I haven't even had time to put in a DVD lately.  I will eventually go see the Bourne movie and I hope it's before this friday.  Why?  Because there is one movie coming out this week that has me VERY excited.

1) EXPENDABLES 2:  All the aging action stars from the 80s lace it up one more time as they take revenge for the death of one of their own.

The Good: It's 80s action stars doing their thing.  And now there's more of them.

The Bad: This is a movie series that apires to be a bad 80s movie.

Final Thoughts: Nobody is going to call this movie any kind of masterpiece.  But it's going to be a lot of fun if it's anything like the first one.

2) PARANORMAN: A young boy who can talk to zombies must protect his hometown from an ancient curse.

The Good: I dare you to come up with a story like this.  It's crazy, the animation looks great, and I expect some genuine comedy.

The Bad: It's a kids movie and it just won't go to the extremes a story like this could have.  aka The 6th Sense.

Final Thoughts: If you can't get in to Expendables 2 this weekend, this one might be a great second choice.

3) THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN: Two young newlyweds adopt a child that grew in their garden.

The Good: Someone was on some serious drugs.  This has one of the most creative premise I've heard in quite a while.

The Bad: This is a cutsy movie with not a whole lot of depth.  It'll try to make you cry but instead have you scratching your head.

Final Thoughts: Movies like this scream pretense.  It's too busy trying to be dramatic than telling a good story.  Wait for rental.

See you at the movies

Total Recall Review: I remember a better movie

I'm a critic when it comes to Hollywood remakes.  Generally I'm not in favor of them.  Why should I watch a movie that was already made back in 1990 when I can just go to my DVD library and put in that one?  It shows a great lack of genuine inspiration.  So, I have no problem calling it what this is: a nostalgic cash-in movie.  With that being said, how was it?

Overall, I would say it's okay.  It's nothing special.  If you're looking for a generic action movie with very little in terms of plot, then this is your movie.  Just turn your brain off and enjoy the pretty CG.  That's all I really have to say about this movie as a stand alone movie.  The action is good and the CG is really good.  And just as a note to George Lucas: This movie knows how to create a droid army. 

Getting in to the plot is where this movie takes a few steps away from good and into the lame.  And the best way for me to explain that is to compare it to the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie from 1990.  Because when I say the new version is "smaller" I want you to know what I mean.  The newer version keeps many of the same elements from the older one but does so in a smaller fashion.  Let me explain.

In the older movie much of what happens takes place on Mars.  Mars is a colony to Earth where people live inside a giant domed city.  All around the dome the people can only see a red sky and dust storms as far as the eye can see.  It gives it a sense of being trapped.  This movie the colony is Australia.  Just one big city.  No walls.  No ceiling.  Supposedly the outer surroundings are all poisoned by some kind of genetic war that happened in the past.  But there isn't any sense of isolation.  It just looks like a giant city.

Also in the older movie there's a real sense of ambiguity.  We never really know if Arnold is really having this adventure or not.  With Colin Farrell, we're painfully aware.  Also, and I won't say this often, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a far better choice for the lead role.  Who would you believe is the bad ass secret agent who could easily kill 10 trained soldiers without breaking a sweat?  Someone who looks like Arnold or Colin Farrell? 

The lack of ambiguity is actually a major factor in most of the character development.  In the older version, since we don't know for sure if this is real or not, it's okay to have a cliche, generic bad guy villian.  It plays into the story that this might not be real.  It's okay to have the moustache twirling villian tying girls to railroad tracks in that case.  Because it could all be a fantasy.  Here, the villian lacks any kind of coherent motivation.  He orchestrates terrorist attacks so he can blame the colony.  Therefore he would be justified in sending a droid invasion army to kill the whole colony and repopulate it.  And to this I say... Why?  It's an awful lot of trouble for something very simple.  By definition a colony is not a free country.  Just make something up and turn it into a police state.  It pretty much is one already. 

In the older movie, keeping the colonists in line was much easier and more logical.  If they went outside, they'd die.  The rebels wanted to restore Mars to a habitable planet so they would no longer be dependant on the Earth for supplies.  In the newer movie, it's a land grab.  Which do you think makes for a better movie?  Enslaved people on a desolate planet totally reliant on unfair trade with a healthy planet or the main city is running out of space so the leader wants to do some elaborate scheme involving population control and droid workers.

There's just too much action in the newer movie.  It waters down the plot so we can have more car chases and gunfights.  If that's the kind of movie you want, there it is.  But the 1990 version is much more of a challenging film which is what sci-fi is supposed to be.  It actually delves into the idea of what is fantasy and what is reality.  This one just mentions it and then forgets it as if it's ashamed to even try and be an intelligent movie.  It provides just enough fan service to those that saw the original film but doesn't have nearly the depth.  It has the three-boobed prostitute but doesn't develop her.  She was a minor character in the other movie as well, but she was a symbol of the genetic mutations that were a real threat on Mars.  Here, she's just a novelty.  "Hey look.  There's a three-boobed prostitute.  Cool."  No, it's not cool.  I'm not impressed by fan service. 

Please watch the 1990 Total Recall.  It has plenty of gun fights in it for the action fans and it's a much smarter movie for the more discerning movie goer. 

Coming Soon: 8/10/12

Oh so much work.  It's been hard to keep up to be honest.  I haven't been to the theater in a while.  I still plan to see The Bourne Legacy and Total Recall.  And pretty soon.  In the meantime here's what will be out in theaters this week.

1) THE BOURNE LEGACY: A new person is the target of shady characters for unknown reasons.

The Good: The Bourne movies are really good.  With Jeremy Renner giving it some new life, it should be great.

The Bad: Jeremy Renner is good, but he's not Matt Damon good.  At least not yet.

Final Thoughts: While I think Jeremy Renner is one of the better up-in-coming talents, he's still honing his craft.  I'm not so sure about him carrying an action movie like this.  I hope I'm wrong.

2) THE CAMPAIGN: Two political rivals vie for the coveted position of North Carolina Congressman.  And hilarity ensues.

The Good: Will Farrell and Zack Galifanakis are incredibly funny guys with excellent timing and amazing wit.

The Bad: Will Farrell can be hit or miss at times.  Especially when he's given a one joke character.  Watch The Other Guys and you'll see what I mean.

Final Thoughts: If a grown man punching a baby is something you find funny, this is your movie.  It's an farcical comedy with lots of cheesy jokes and mugging actors.  Could be a lot of fun.

3) HOPE SPRINGS: An old married couple try to spice up their love life.

The Good: Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep basically play characters very similar to themselves and just have fun.

The Bad: It's a story of old people trying to make their love life more exciting. 

Final Thoughts: Not to be mean about it but Meryl Streep is 63 and Tommy Lee Jones is 66.  Nobody likes to see their grandparents have sex.  Other than that I'm sure it's a lovely movie about enduring love.  I won't be seeing it in theaters.

See you at the movies