It's going to be hard to top Avengers. That was a great movie. But hey, guess what time it is? Yep, summer blockbuster season! That means the movie studios wait to this time to release all their best because that's when the kids are out of school, lots of people are on vacation, it's a high volume time of year. Here are the movies I'm excited to see.
1) PIRANHA 3DD: Everything about this movie screams horrible. But much of what I heard it is the fun kind of bad. Don't expect high cinema, but for the bad movie audience, this might be your thing.
2) PROMETHEUS: Ridley Scott is back with an Alien prequel. I LOVE the Alien franchise. Well, at least the first 3. And we don't talk about the AvP movies. Anyway, this franchise lost it's swagger a while ago. This is an attempt to get some new blood in it. And the trailers look awesome!
3) ABRAHAM LINCOLN - VAMPIRE HUNTER: Again, this is a movie tailor made for a bad movie junkie like myself. Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter was hilarious and now it's President Lincoln. Hilarity will ensue.
4) BRAVE: This movie looks like it's in the same vein as How To Train Your Dragon. Lots of action, memorable characters, and a great story.
See you at the movies
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Coming Soon: 6/1/12
Hey everyone. I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. I know I did. I got to see some old college buddies of mine. They had a new baby girl and she's cute as a button. And as a bonus, I got to introduce them that is the cheesy greatness of Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you haven't seen it yet, go find it. You'll laugh most of the way through. Anyway, this is an article about what is coming out on Friday, so let's see.
1) SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN: The story of Snow White only told from a much darker tone.
The Good: It's an interesting take on a classic fairy tale we've all heard since we were kids and reminds me more of the Grimm Fairy Tales.
The Bad: This is the 4th Snow White movie in the last two years and I really have soured on Kristen Stewart as an actress.
Final Thoughts: I'm just not interested. It might be a good movie but it's not enough to peek my interest.
2) FOR GREATER GLORY: A melodrama set to the background of the Cristero War.
The Good: It's a tear jerker type movie teaching about life, liberty, humanity, and a part of history often ignored.
The Bad: If you're not in to melodramas, this 2 and 1/2 hour movie is going to be torture.
Final Thoughts: Too long, too sappy, and just not worth the theater price.
3) BATTLEFIELD AMERICA: All about the grimey underbelly of the world of competitive street dancing.
The Good: It's You Got Served mixed with the Bad News Bears.
The Bad: It's You Got Served mixed with the Bad News Bears!!!
Final Thoughts: It's a niche market movie. If you don't like this kind of stuff, it won't win converts. But I don't see this being as fun or goofy as You Got Served.
4) PIRANHA 3DD: The prehistoric killer fish are back and this time they are going to a water park.
The Good: The first one wasn't so great and seemed to relish in ripping off Jaws in the first 4 minutes.
The Bad: The premise of this movie is ripping off Jaws 3D. God help us all a bad movie is ripping off ideas from a bad movie.
Final Thoughts: This one might rival Battleship as one of the worst movies this year. All the best actors are just cameos. It's going to be painful.
5) HIGH SCHOOL: The class valedictorian smokes marijuana for the first time and it puts his college hopes in jeopardy.
The Good: A movie in the same vein as Half Baked.
The Bad: It really doesn't offer much other than drug humor.
Final Thoughts: Surprisingly might be the best movie out this week.
See you at the movies
1) SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN: The story of Snow White only told from a much darker tone.
The Good: It's an interesting take on a classic fairy tale we've all heard since we were kids and reminds me more of the Grimm Fairy Tales.
The Bad: This is the 4th Snow White movie in the last two years and I really have soured on Kristen Stewart as an actress.
Final Thoughts: I'm just not interested. It might be a good movie but it's not enough to peek my interest.
2) FOR GREATER GLORY: A melodrama set to the background of the Cristero War.
The Good: It's a tear jerker type movie teaching about life, liberty, humanity, and a part of history often ignored.
The Bad: If you're not in to melodramas, this 2 and 1/2 hour movie is going to be torture.
Final Thoughts: Too long, too sappy, and just not worth the theater price.
3) BATTLEFIELD AMERICA: All about the grimey underbelly of the world of competitive street dancing.
The Good: It's You Got Served mixed with the Bad News Bears.
The Bad: It's You Got Served mixed with the Bad News Bears!!!
Final Thoughts: It's a niche market movie. If you don't like this kind of stuff, it won't win converts. But I don't see this being as fun or goofy as You Got Served.
4) PIRANHA 3DD: The prehistoric killer fish are back and this time they are going to a water park.
The Good: The first one wasn't so great and seemed to relish in ripping off Jaws in the first 4 minutes.
The Bad: The premise of this movie is ripping off Jaws 3D. God help us all a bad movie is ripping off ideas from a bad movie.
Final Thoughts: This one might rival Battleship as one of the worst movies this year. All the best actors are just cameos. It's going to be painful.
5) HIGH SCHOOL: The class valedictorian smokes marijuana for the first time and it puts his college hopes in jeopardy.
The Good: A movie in the same vein as Half Baked.
The Bad: It really doesn't offer much other than drug humor.
Final Thoughts: Surprisingly might be the best movie out this week.
See you at the movies
Monday, May 21, 2012
Coming Soon: 5/25/12
I don't envy the Razzie award committee this year. Battleship was just awful and we still haven't got Pirahana 3DD yet. Let alone the titanic failure that is The Devil Inside. Yeah I'm still in a bad mood over Battleship and my first look for this week isn't very promising.
1) MEN IN BLACK III: J has to save the world by going back in time.
The Good: It's a goofy comedy with a goofy story. Hallmark of the MiB franchise.
The Bad: The second MiB movie wasn't anything special so this is a last ditch effort to save the franchise.
Final Thoughts: If you like these kinds of movies, I think you'll have a good time. Just know what you're watching.
2) CHERNOBYL DIARIES: A group of extreme tourists visit the site of the worst nuclear disasters in history. And while there they are haunted by ghosts.
The Good: It's written by the guy who made Paranormal Activity. One of my favorite horror movies.
The Bad: Let me get this straight. The victims of Chernobyl are now ghosts and... what? Get their kicks scaring people?
Final Thoughts: It's first person shaky cam with a plot so baffling that even though they want you the audience to take it seriously and get scared, for me it would just be impossible. Skip it.
3) MOONRISE KINGDOM: A couple of kids fall in love and run away into the forest.
The Good: The cast is one to be drooled over. Bill Murray, Francis McDormand, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, and Harvey Keitel!
The Bad: The cast is the only thing good about this.
Final Thoughts: I might see it but only if it's on DVD.
4) BATTLE ROYALE 3D: In a future where the Japanese economy is almost wiped out and unemployment is through the roof, Japanese school children turn to gang-like behavior. In response the government chooses kids at random to go to an island and fight to the death.
The Good: If you liked The Hunger Games, this is like it only on extra strength horse steroids.
The Bad: It's an ultra violent melodrama that might not sit well with younger audiences.
Final Thoughts: A movie so violent and disturbing the Japanese government had to pass laws on what can be seen in movies. HELL YEAH I'M THERE!
See you at the movies!
1) MEN IN BLACK III: J has to save the world by going back in time.
The Good: It's a goofy comedy with a goofy story. Hallmark of the MiB franchise.
The Bad: The second MiB movie wasn't anything special so this is a last ditch effort to save the franchise.
Final Thoughts: If you like these kinds of movies, I think you'll have a good time. Just know what you're watching.
2) CHERNOBYL DIARIES: A group of extreme tourists visit the site of the worst nuclear disasters in history. And while there they are haunted by ghosts.
The Good: It's written by the guy who made Paranormal Activity. One of my favorite horror movies.
The Bad: Let me get this straight. The victims of Chernobyl are now ghosts and... what? Get their kicks scaring people?
Final Thoughts: It's first person shaky cam with a plot so baffling that even though they want you the audience to take it seriously and get scared, for me it would just be impossible. Skip it.
3) MOONRISE KINGDOM: A couple of kids fall in love and run away into the forest.
The Good: The cast is one to be drooled over. Bill Murray, Francis McDormand, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, and Harvey Keitel!
The Bad: The cast is the only thing good about this.
Final Thoughts: I might see it but only if it's on DVD.
4) BATTLE ROYALE 3D: In a future where the Japanese economy is almost wiped out and unemployment is through the roof, Japanese school children turn to gang-like behavior. In response the government chooses kids at random to go to an island and fight to the death.
The Good: If you liked The Hunger Games, this is like it only on extra strength horse steroids.
The Bad: It's an ultra violent melodrama that might not sit well with younger audiences.
Final Thoughts: A movie so violent and disturbing the Japanese government had to pass laws on what can be seen in movies. HELL YEAH I'M THERE!
See you at the movies!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Battleship Review: It's SO bad!
Ok. I wanted to make this into a video. But I'm having so many problems with getting it online I just decided to write it out. I really wanted to get this out before the official release because this movie is so bad, if I can save one person from going to see it, I'll feel some sense of accomplishment.
I went to the premier feature down in downtown Seattle. Luckily the ticket was free. I did have to wait an hour in line so I had to pay in inconvienence.
Where do I begin? If you don't like reading my reviews when I get really angry, please stop now. From here on out it's free floating hostility.
Right away I hated the protagonist. His name is Hopper. They took great pleasure in making him into one of the biggest screwups in cinema history. He doesn't have a job, a car, he's a drunk, and titanically dumb. Here's a perfect example: He walks up to this really hot girl. She wants a burrito. They aren't selling them in the bar right now. So, he breaks into a convenience store, breaks a lot of stuff, pays only for the burrito, and comes out and runs away from the police to deliver the burrito to the hot blonde girl. Instead of getting freaked out, she finds this really sexy. For some reason he doesn't go to prison even though he commited vandalism, breaking and entering, evading the police, and resisting arrest. No, he just joins the Navy instead. AS AN OFFICER! Maybe I'm nieve thinking only the best and brightest become officers in the US Navy. I guess even total screw ups can too.
So, he's dating this blonde girl and I am not kidding when I say I didn't learn her name until the 90 minute mark. It's not like she isn't in the movie. She's a major supporting character. She's in several scenes. But we never learn her name. Well, Hopper wants to marry hot blonde girl (Sam) and he has to ask permission from her father (Liem Neeson). Another guy whose name I never learn. He's just admiral hard ass to me. He kinda likes Hopper but because he's an unabashed screw up, he's constantly angry at him.
Hopper shows up to a ceremony late, then he's in a soccer game and gets kicked in the face. That of course leads to two officers getting into a brawl, and Hopper being dishonorably discharged.
Look. I'm not an unpatriotic guy. I "support our troops" but I don't see any need to constantly worship at the feet of our "fighting men and women." This movie paid so much lip service to the "greatest generation." While at the same time made the soldiers of today look so cartoonish. If I were a "troop" I'd think I'd be honored by giving all who serve the dignity they deserve and not leave main supporting characters unnamed and many of them functionally retarded.
Let's get to the aliens. If I focus on just how bad the first act is I'll never finish. Besides there's an embarrassing third act I need to get to as well. I'd say my two biggest problems with the aliens are 1) their overall design and 2) their really weird motivations. I'll start with the first point because that's the easiest.
Imagine if you will: a humanoid with a cat-like head, lizard eyes, and a goatee made of porcupine quills. That's the alien. In an explanation so brazen, because they have eyes like a lizard, they don't like sunlight. Yeah. You know. Like all those lizards that are cold-blooded and spend all day in the sun. Are you starting to see why I hated the movie so much?
Why did they come to Earth? Well, in between action scenes we get some lovely exposition from the exposition fairies that tell us that the lizard people from outer space are here to kill all humans. No real reason for that hypothesis but... okay. I'm not sure that's why they came. Because there were 5 ships. 1 crashed into Hong Kong. The others all landed near Hawaii. They only start firing their death pegs and killer gyro balls when the humans started attacking THEM! I think the aliens are just drunk college kids that were trying to call their moms and get a ride home.
If they were really here to kill all humans, why didn't they? They acted like the Borg. If the people weren't posing any kind of threat, they just left them alone. Instead they focus on turning on the signal so they can phone home. I really don't get these aliens. They are even psychic. For one scene anyway. It's not like they reference it again at any point.
So yeah the human ships all but one get blown up. And it's Hopper's boat. The Captain and the XO were both killed because they weren't on the bridge during an alien attack so Hopper the screw up is now the captain. And the smartest decision he ever made was giving command of the ship over to the Japanese officer that kicked him in the face and fought with him in the bathroom earlier in the movie. I'm pretty sure that's high treason. Giving command of a US vessel to a foreign military officer.
The movie plays out exactly the way you think it will. Hopper has an older brother, he gets killed by the aliens. He has to talk to the hot girlfriend's father, he eventually does. The screw up learns the value of responsibility and humility. The aliens are all blown up. If you're looking for any kind of surprise, look elsewhere.
I've been putting this off because this had to be the worst part of the whole movie. Because if you stop to think about it for even half a second you'll tear it apart like wet toilet paper. So I'll put it off just a little longer and talk about the hot girlfriend again. He's out hiking with a wounded veteran when the aliens attack. By wounded I mean he doesn't have any legs. By the end he found his inner super soldier and turned into Mean Joe Greene and was able to push the super strong aliens back on his heels.
I'm stalling. Ok. The USS Missouri scene. All the ships got blown up. All they have left is the USS Missouri. A battleship from WWII. Needless to say, it's a little out of date. In fact, it was turned into a floating museum 20 years ago. But for some reason there's still weapons on board. The Missouri has a diesel engine that hasn't run in 20 years and there aren't enough people to run the ship. Yes there's enough armaments to get a couple barrages in. The engine started right up with no problems at all. And then they found people willing to volunteer to run the ship. They got all the old guys from the ceremony to re-enlist.
Let's talk about the engine first. My car hadn't been driven for about 5 years. It didn't run. Because the battery was dead, the breaks were shot, and all the fluids got all gummed up. Imagine what a 70 year old decommissioned diesel engine would look like?
Now I have to be the jerk. 80 year old sailors. Really? I know it's supposed to be the big emotional moment. We're meant to see that them being the greatest generation they still have value and would be a great asset even now. Their wealth of experience and courage is invaluable. Here's the problem when you start to think about this critically. From the 1940s to now, the world has changed in REALLY dramatic ways. Ways I could write a whole book on. The way we fight wars is vastly different than what we did in WWII. Technology seems to make giant leaps forward every 5 years let alone 70. And let's keep it real. At 80 years old, your mind and body aren't as sharp as what they are at age 20. Let's just assume that none of these guys have seen combat since the end of the Korean War. Do you really think they are battle ready? And why were they even there? What happened to all the other military guys? Did they all just run away and leave the "greatest generation" behind?
I've had enough of this. It's been a while since I've been this pissed off at a movie. The story is told in clumsy exposition every 20 minutes, the action scenes often break the most basic laws of physics, the aliens look like something someone made by throwing darts at a dartboard, the story is beyond cliche, and the worst offense being that it really wanted us the audience to take it seriously, but then they proceed to have countless unnamed characters, several annoying comic relief characters, a protagonist that should've washed out of OCS in about a month, and the aliens are so lacking in motivation it's not clear if they are really killer invaders!
Please.... Please.... PLEASE.... DON'T see this movie. It's so bad!
I went to the premier feature down in downtown Seattle. Luckily the ticket was free. I did have to wait an hour in line so I had to pay in inconvienence.
Where do I begin? If you don't like reading my reviews when I get really angry, please stop now. From here on out it's free floating hostility.
Right away I hated the protagonist. His name is Hopper. They took great pleasure in making him into one of the biggest screwups in cinema history. He doesn't have a job, a car, he's a drunk, and titanically dumb. Here's a perfect example: He walks up to this really hot girl. She wants a burrito. They aren't selling them in the bar right now. So, he breaks into a convenience store, breaks a lot of stuff, pays only for the burrito, and comes out and runs away from the police to deliver the burrito to the hot blonde girl. Instead of getting freaked out, she finds this really sexy. For some reason he doesn't go to prison even though he commited vandalism, breaking and entering, evading the police, and resisting arrest. No, he just joins the Navy instead. AS AN OFFICER! Maybe I'm nieve thinking only the best and brightest become officers in the US Navy. I guess even total screw ups can too.
So, he's dating this blonde girl and I am not kidding when I say I didn't learn her name until the 90 minute mark. It's not like she isn't in the movie. She's a major supporting character. She's in several scenes. But we never learn her name. Well, Hopper wants to marry hot blonde girl (Sam) and he has to ask permission from her father (Liem Neeson). Another guy whose name I never learn. He's just admiral hard ass to me. He kinda likes Hopper but because he's an unabashed screw up, he's constantly angry at him.
Hopper shows up to a ceremony late, then he's in a soccer game and gets kicked in the face. That of course leads to two officers getting into a brawl, and Hopper being dishonorably discharged.
Look. I'm not an unpatriotic guy. I "support our troops" but I don't see any need to constantly worship at the feet of our "fighting men and women." This movie paid so much lip service to the "greatest generation." While at the same time made the soldiers of today look so cartoonish. If I were a "troop" I'd think I'd be honored by giving all who serve the dignity they deserve and not leave main supporting characters unnamed and many of them functionally retarded.
Let's get to the aliens. If I focus on just how bad the first act is I'll never finish. Besides there's an embarrassing third act I need to get to as well. I'd say my two biggest problems with the aliens are 1) their overall design and 2) their really weird motivations. I'll start with the first point because that's the easiest.
Imagine if you will: a humanoid with a cat-like head, lizard eyes, and a goatee made of porcupine quills. That's the alien. In an explanation so brazen, because they have eyes like a lizard, they don't like sunlight. Yeah. You know. Like all those lizards that are cold-blooded and spend all day in the sun. Are you starting to see why I hated the movie so much?
Why did they come to Earth? Well, in between action scenes we get some lovely exposition from the exposition fairies that tell us that the lizard people from outer space are here to kill all humans. No real reason for that hypothesis but... okay. I'm not sure that's why they came. Because there were 5 ships. 1 crashed into Hong Kong. The others all landed near Hawaii. They only start firing their death pegs and killer gyro balls when the humans started attacking THEM! I think the aliens are just drunk college kids that were trying to call their moms and get a ride home.
If they were really here to kill all humans, why didn't they? They acted like the Borg. If the people weren't posing any kind of threat, they just left them alone. Instead they focus on turning on the signal so they can phone home. I really don't get these aliens. They are even psychic. For one scene anyway. It's not like they reference it again at any point.
So yeah the human ships all but one get blown up. And it's Hopper's boat. The Captain and the XO were both killed because they weren't on the bridge during an alien attack so Hopper the screw up is now the captain. And the smartest decision he ever made was giving command of the ship over to the Japanese officer that kicked him in the face and fought with him in the bathroom earlier in the movie. I'm pretty sure that's high treason. Giving command of a US vessel to a foreign military officer.
The movie plays out exactly the way you think it will. Hopper has an older brother, he gets killed by the aliens. He has to talk to the hot girlfriend's father, he eventually does. The screw up learns the value of responsibility and humility. The aliens are all blown up. If you're looking for any kind of surprise, look elsewhere.
I've been putting this off because this had to be the worst part of the whole movie. Because if you stop to think about it for even half a second you'll tear it apart like wet toilet paper. So I'll put it off just a little longer and talk about the hot girlfriend again. He's out hiking with a wounded veteran when the aliens attack. By wounded I mean he doesn't have any legs. By the end he found his inner super soldier and turned into Mean Joe Greene and was able to push the super strong aliens back on his heels.
I'm stalling. Ok. The USS Missouri scene. All the ships got blown up. All they have left is the USS Missouri. A battleship from WWII. Needless to say, it's a little out of date. In fact, it was turned into a floating museum 20 years ago. But for some reason there's still weapons on board. The Missouri has a diesel engine that hasn't run in 20 years and there aren't enough people to run the ship. Yes there's enough armaments to get a couple barrages in. The engine started right up with no problems at all. And then they found people willing to volunteer to run the ship. They got all the old guys from the ceremony to re-enlist.
Let's talk about the engine first. My car hadn't been driven for about 5 years. It didn't run. Because the battery was dead, the breaks were shot, and all the fluids got all gummed up. Imagine what a 70 year old decommissioned diesel engine would look like?
Now I have to be the jerk. 80 year old sailors. Really? I know it's supposed to be the big emotional moment. We're meant to see that them being the greatest generation they still have value and would be a great asset even now. Their wealth of experience and courage is invaluable. Here's the problem when you start to think about this critically. From the 1940s to now, the world has changed in REALLY dramatic ways. Ways I could write a whole book on. The way we fight wars is vastly different than what we did in WWII. Technology seems to make giant leaps forward every 5 years let alone 70. And let's keep it real. At 80 years old, your mind and body aren't as sharp as what they are at age 20. Let's just assume that none of these guys have seen combat since the end of the Korean War. Do you really think they are battle ready? And why were they even there? What happened to all the other military guys? Did they all just run away and leave the "greatest generation" behind?
I've had enough of this. It's been a while since I've been this pissed off at a movie. The story is told in clumsy exposition every 20 minutes, the action scenes often break the most basic laws of physics, the aliens look like something someone made by throwing darts at a dartboard, the story is beyond cliche, and the worst offense being that it really wanted us the audience to take it seriously, but then they proceed to have countless unnamed characters, several annoying comic relief characters, a protagonist that should've washed out of OCS in about a month, and the aliens are so lacking in motivation it's not clear if they are really killer invaders!
Please.... Please.... PLEASE.... DON'T see this movie. It's so bad!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Coming Soon: 5/18/12
Will anything knock off the Avengers? 1 BILLION dollars already? Just wow. I guarantee there's nothing coming out that will match that until July. If even then. So, let's see what is coming out this week.
1) BATTLESHIP: Aliens invade and the Navy has to beat them.
The Good: You've got to be kidding me. There's nothing good about any of this.
The Bad: It's starring one of my least favorite actors (Liam Neeson), it's based on a board game so lacking in plot it literally is two armies blowing each other up, the aliens look like rejected models from the Transformers movies, the run time is over 2 hours, and from what I'm hearing from friends in Europe they don't say the iconic "You sank my battleship!" line from the game's commercials.
Final Thoughts: Much like people slow down to see a car wreck, I want to see this movie. Just wait for the angry ranting that is to come.
2) THE DICTATOR: The story of a fictional North African dictator fighting against democratic uprisings in his country.
The Good: If you liked Borat and Bruno, I see no reason you won't like this one.
The Bad: I hated Borat and Bruno. I see no reason I personally would like this one.
Final Thoughts: It's in no way different than Borat. It's a foreign guy and he acts weird. And it's funny. Bruno had a talking penis. I have no interest in seeing how far Sacha Baren Cohen can push the limits of bad taste.
3) WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING: Several couples have their lives turned upside down with the coming of a baby.
The Good: Brilliant women actresses in a very nice comedy.
The Bad: It's four different stories with a single theme but nothing to really tie them all together. It's more a sketch compilation than a movie.
Final Thoughts: I think this one isn't going to be really good, but I don't think it'll be that bad either. I'd wait for a rental but wouldn't pass on it either. I saw Anna Kendrick in 50/50 and Scott Pilgrim and she's winning me over.
4) THE SAMARITAN: A guy gets out of prison after 25 years and wants to go clean. But finds that going clean isn't as easy as expected.
The Good: The story sounds interesting. It has a great leading man.
The Bad: The rest of the cast isn't as strong as it should be. Plus, it's hard to tell if this is a revenge movie or a drama.
Final Thoughts: Wait for the rental bin.
See you at the movies
1) BATTLESHIP: Aliens invade and the Navy has to beat them.
The Good: You've got to be kidding me. There's nothing good about any of this.
The Bad: It's starring one of my least favorite actors (Liam Neeson), it's based on a board game so lacking in plot it literally is two armies blowing each other up, the aliens look like rejected models from the Transformers movies, the run time is over 2 hours, and from what I'm hearing from friends in Europe they don't say the iconic "You sank my battleship!" line from the game's commercials.
Final Thoughts: Much like people slow down to see a car wreck, I want to see this movie. Just wait for the angry ranting that is to come.
2) THE DICTATOR: The story of a fictional North African dictator fighting against democratic uprisings in his country.
The Good: If you liked Borat and Bruno, I see no reason you won't like this one.
The Bad: I hated Borat and Bruno. I see no reason I personally would like this one.
Final Thoughts: It's in no way different than Borat. It's a foreign guy and he acts weird. And it's funny. Bruno had a talking penis. I have no interest in seeing how far Sacha Baren Cohen can push the limits of bad taste.
3) WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING: Several couples have their lives turned upside down with the coming of a baby.
The Good: Brilliant women actresses in a very nice comedy.
The Bad: It's four different stories with a single theme but nothing to really tie them all together. It's more a sketch compilation than a movie.
Final Thoughts: I think this one isn't going to be really good, but I don't think it'll be that bad either. I'd wait for a rental but wouldn't pass on it either. I saw Anna Kendrick in 50/50 and Scott Pilgrim and she's winning me over.
4) THE SAMARITAN: A guy gets out of prison after 25 years and wants to go clean. But finds that going clean isn't as easy as expected.
The Good: The story sounds interesting. It has a great leading man.
The Bad: The rest of the cast isn't as strong as it should be. Plus, it's hard to tell if this is a revenge movie or a drama.
Final Thoughts: Wait for the rental bin.
See you at the movies
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Movie Swap: The Big Blue
Movie Swap. Wow I need a better title than that. But since I can't think of anything better right now, that's what I'm going to call it. So here's the story: I go to a karate class and there I annoy people with movie quotes and talking about movies non-stop. Well, it turns out that one of my friends is also a giant movie buff and we got talking about the worst movies we have. Curiosity got the better of both of us so we decided to do a little swap. He watches what I felt was the worst movie in my collection and he would lend me one of his. He told me that his wife really hated it but it was one that he personally liked... but it's not a good movie.
He chose The Big Blue.
I don't think I've ever seen a more self-indulgent movie in my life. Never has a movie taken so long to get to the point. And I'm not sure there even was a point. It's full of pointless melodrama and I'd say a criminally insane level of competition and obsessiveness.
The movie is about a famous deep sea diver named Jacques Mayol. He was a relatively famous free-diver who set a world record for diving 400 feet without the use of any kind of breathing apparatus. So yes the movie does have some diving in it. Jacques (Jean-Marc Barr) and his best friend/rival Enzo (Jean Reno) are set to compete in an international diving contest.
Before the competition started Jacque met a lovely woman from the USA, Johanna (Rosanna Arquette). She falls in love with him immediately and in a drastically bad exercise in insanity, she commits fraud against her employers in order to scam a trip to Cicily so she can meet up with Jacques and watch him dive.
The movie plays out the way you'd expect. Jacques sets a world record and beats Enzo. Jacques and Johanna fall in love. They break up. They get back together. Enzo dies. Jacques takes it hard. It's your standard story. Told poorly.
The biggest complaint I have about this movie is that it's just WAY too long. I watched the director's cut and it was 3 hours long! And so much of that was watching dolphins swim around. When I call this movie self-indulgent I mean it. We see so much padding of dolphin swimming it gets annoying. And the sex scenes between Johanna and Jacques stretch out for several minutes too long as well. And then there's the diving scenes. If you ever wanted to know every little thing these free divers do, they show you. In great detail. Right down to how they breathe before diving.
This is a personal story about Jacques. And I hated him. I felt like he was arrogant, self-involved, anti-social, and mentally disturbed. Jacques is obsessed with dolphins. So much so that after what I assume is his first time having sex with a woman (he had this look in his eyes that said, "wow this is what sex feels like. Who knew?") he hears a bunch of dolphins playing in the ocean so he goes to play with them all night. There's also a scene where he asks Enzo and Johanna to help him steal a dolphin and release it in the ocean. Even at the end of the movie he leaves a pregnant Johanna to go back down into the water and swim with a dolphin even though he has the bends. The term "coocoo for cocoa puffs" comes to mind.
This was a fictionalized story involving these characters. The real Jacques Mayol didn't grow up with Enzo and Enzo was a few years older than Jacques. They didn't meet until much later in life. He was a contributing writer in the screenplay of The Big Blue. He was also a philosopher. He believed that humans had an aquatic origin. He explains much of it in his book, The Dolphin Within Man. I don't care to read it, but feel free to do so. Jacques Mayol committed suicide in 2001.
If you really have 3 hours to kill, I'd recommend 2001: A Space Odyssey or Heat before ever trying this one out. The Big Blue is just too dull. It's just no fun at all.
He chose The Big Blue.
I don't think I've ever seen a more self-indulgent movie in my life. Never has a movie taken so long to get to the point. And I'm not sure there even was a point. It's full of pointless melodrama and I'd say a criminally insane level of competition and obsessiveness.
The movie is about a famous deep sea diver named Jacques Mayol. He was a relatively famous free-diver who set a world record for diving 400 feet without the use of any kind of breathing apparatus. So yes the movie does have some diving in it. Jacques (Jean-Marc Barr) and his best friend/rival Enzo (Jean Reno) are set to compete in an international diving contest.
Before the competition started Jacque met a lovely woman from the USA, Johanna (Rosanna Arquette). She falls in love with him immediately and in a drastically bad exercise in insanity, she commits fraud against her employers in order to scam a trip to Cicily so she can meet up with Jacques and watch him dive.
The movie plays out the way you'd expect. Jacques sets a world record and beats Enzo. Jacques and Johanna fall in love. They break up. They get back together. Enzo dies. Jacques takes it hard. It's your standard story. Told poorly.
The biggest complaint I have about this movie is that it's just WAY too long. I watched the director's cut and it was 3 hours long! And so much of that was watching dolphins swim around. When I call this movie self-indulgent I mean it. We see so much padding of dolphin swimming it gets annoying. And the sex scenes between Johanna and Jacques stretch out for several minutes too long as well. And then there's the diving scenes. If you ever wanted to know every little thing these free divers do, they show you. In great detail. Right down to how they breathe before diving.
This is a personal story about Jacques. And I hated him. I felt like he was arrogant, self-involved, anti-social, and mentally disturbed. Jacques is obsessed with dolphins. So much so that after what I assume is his first time having sex with a woman (he had this look in his eyes that said, "wow this is what sex feels like. Who knew?") he hears a bunch of dolphins playing in the ocean so he goes to play with them all night. There's also a scene where he asks Enzo and Johanna to help him steal a dolphin and release it in the ocean. Even at the end of the movie he leaves a pregnant Johanna to go back down into the water and swim with a dolphin even though he has the bends. The term "coocoo for cocoa puffs" comes to mind.
This was a fictionalized story involving these characters. The real Jacques Mayol didn't grow up with Enzo and Enzo was a few years older than Jacques. They didn't meet until much later in life. He was a contributing writer in the screenplay of The Big Blue. He was also a philosopher. He believed that humans had an aquatic origin. He explains much of it in his book, The Dolphin Within Man. I don't care to read it, but feel free to do so. Jacques Mayol committed suicide in 2001.
If you really have 3 hours to kill, I'd recommend 2001: A Space Odyssey or Heat before ever trying this one out. The Big Blue is just too dull. It's just no fun at all.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Coming Soon: 5/11/12
I'm sorry this is so late. I've been sick and at the same time trying to get my car fixed. I swear I fix one problem and then another pops up. Anyway, I did get a few new movies and I'll be checking those out this week. Now, let's see what's going to be in the theaters.
1) DARK SHADOWS: A playboy plays the wrong woman. The woman turns him into a vampire and buries him. He is then unearthed in the year 1972.
The Good: Johnny Depp and Tim Burton teaming up in an Addams Family type romp.
The Bad: It's a goofy comedy and I still remember how bad Willy Wonka and Alice in Wonderland were.
Final Thoughts: I'm looking forward to seeing this. I think it's going to be funny. The trailers make it look funny but it might not appeal to everyone.
2) GOD BLESS AMERICA: A terminally ill man takes out his frustrations against the horribleness of American culture by killing them.
The Good: A really funny Dark/Revenge comedy directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.
The Bad: If the initial premise of the movie isn't appealing, there's very little else to keep you interested.
Final Thoughts: I think this is the movie to watch this week. And I'm not positive it'll be in theaters everywhere.
3) GIRL IN PROGRESS: A girl inspired by her English teacher tries to bypass her teenage years and become an adult immediately.
The Good: It's a comedy featuring a very serious problem with single mothers.
The Bad: I don't see very many laughs in this supposed comedy.
Final Thoughts: I'd wait for a rental on this one. I don't see a whole lot of reason to see it in general.
4) HICK: A little girl runs away from her abusive parents and hitchhikes out west.
The Good: It's starring who I believe is the next big female actress: Chloe Moretz
The Bad: It's a road trip type movie but there's no destination.
Final Thoughts: Rent it if you're looking for a drama one night. Don't spend theater money.
See you at the movies.
1) DARK SHADOWS: A playboy plays the wrong woman. The woman turns him into a vampire and buries him. He is then unearthed in the year 1972.
The Good: Johnny Depp and Tim Burton teaming up in an Addams Family type romp.
The Bad: It's a goofy comedy and I still remember how bad Willy Wonka and Alice in Wonderland were.
Final Thoughts: I'm looking forward to seeing this. I think it's going to be funny. The trailers make it look funny but it might not appeal to everyone.
2) GOD BLESS AMERICA: A terminally ill man takes out his frustrations against the horribleness of American culture by killing them.
The Good: A really funny Dark/Revenge comedy directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.
The Bad: If the initial premise of the movie isn't appealing, there's very little else to keep you interested.
Final Thoughts: I think this is the movie to watch this week. And I'm not positive it'll be in theaters everywhere.
3) GIRL IN PROGRESS: A girl inspired by her English teacher tries to bypass her teenage years and become an adult immediately.
The Good: It's a comedy featuring a very serious problem with single mothers.
The Bad: I don't see very many laughs in this supposed comedy.
Final Thoughts: I'd wait for a rental on this one. I don't see a whole lot of reason to see it in general.
4) HICK: A little girl runs away from her abusive parents and hitchhikes out west.
The Good: It's starring who I believe is the next big female actress: Chloe Moretz
The Bad: It's a road trip type movie but there's no destination.
Final Thoughts: Rent it if you're looking for a drama one night. Don't spend theater money.
See you at the movies.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Avengers Review: Hulk Smash Hit
Probably one of the most anticipated movie in recent memory and it didn't disappoint. It's a good thing too. I've never seen a marketing strategy quite like this before. It all started a few years ago when the first Iron Man movie came out, and then it was Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America. Each of these movies had their own level of success. (I didn't perticularly like Thor all that much)(Loved Captain America) Each of these movies were made for two purposes: 1) to introduce the characters involved in the team and 2) lead to the inevitable team up where they all fight a common enemy. Could you imagine watching this movie with so many memorable characters and not giving them enough build? These characters are way too complex that really this was how to do it.
This is a comic book movie. So, when it comes to comic books, I expect it to have really great action and some great one-liners. Avengers gives you that. I'm very impressed with how the action was shot. BIG bonus for not having too much close up and VERY little shaky cam. I can't express how much better the action is when I can actually see what is happening. When I watch a movie like Ghost Rider 2, and I can't see the action, I want to grab an asprin and take a nap. In other words: I HATE SHAKY CAM! And Avengers didn't have shaky cam.
I'm also very thankful to all the great humor in this movie. It never felt forced and it was clean humor. It's so different than, say, Transformers. Where every joke in that movie made me feel dirty and uncomfortable, Avengers gave a lot of witty jabs and some wonderful sight gags. Can't say much more without spoiling those so I will move on.
The story was simple. Loki wants to conquer our world because he was kicked out of his. He found help from a group of skeleton like warriors and their flying skeleton fish. The Avengers are a group of superheroes with strong personalities that are forced to team up and fight Loki.
The best thing I can say is that they had a simple story and they didn't screw it up. I get so ticked off when movies screw with the most basic elements of storytelling. If a movie shows effort and doesn't make stupid mistakes, that's all I ask for and I don't think it's asking too much.
Go see Avengers if you haven't already. It's well worth the time.
This is a comic book movie. So, when it comes to comic books, I expect it to have really great action and some great one-liners. Avengers gives you that. I'm very impressed with how the action was shot. BIG bonus for not having too much close up and VERY little shaky cam. I can't express how much better the action is when I can actually see what is happening. When I watch a movie like Ghost Rider 2, and I can't see the action, I want to grab an asprin and take a nap. In other words: I HATE SHAKY CAM! And Avengers didn't have shaky cam.
I'm also very thankful to all the great humor in this movie. It never felt forced and it was clean humor. It's so different than, say, Transformers. Where every joke in that movie made me feel dirty and uncomfortable, Avengers gave a lot of witty jabs and some wonderful sight gags. Can't say much more without spoiling those so I will move on.
The story was simple. Loki wants to conquer our world because he was kicked out of his. He found help from a group of skeleton like warriors and their flying skeleton fish. The Avengers are a group of superheroes with strong personalities that are forced to team up and fight Loki.
The best thing I can say is that they had a simple story and they didn't screw it up. I get so ticked off when movies screw with the most basic elements of storytelling. If a movie shows effort and doesn't make stupid mistakes, that's all I ask for and I don't think it's asking too much.
Go see Avengers if you haven't already. It's well worth the time.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Movies I'd like to see: May
It's time! Just before the summer blockbusters they always lead in with some really great ones. And this month does have some good ones. Let's see.
1) THE AVENGERS: It's a movie 4 years in the making. Several box office hits has every comic book nerd (like me) waiting in line for weeks! The trailers are just beyond awesome. Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, and Hawkeye are finally assembled! Can't wait!
2) YELLOW SUBMARINE: They are finally re-releasing this one in theaters. It's the Beatles duking it out with the Blue Meanies. A whole lot of crazy stuff to look at and even more great Beatles music.
3) DARK SHADOWS: It's Tim Burton and Johnny Depp doing what they do best. Bizarre/macabre images and quirky humor. Must see.
4) GOD BLESS AMERICA: A guy with no hope and terminally ill decides he's going to team up with an emo high schooler and they go around beating up annoying celebrities. Who wouldn't want to do that? As an added bonus, it has one of the most underappreciated comedians: Larry Miller!
5) DRAGON EYES: I love martial arts movies. Throw in Jean Claude Van Damme and we got us something awesome. Then again it's starring that one guy from the live action Tekken movie. I'm still going to see it.
See you at the movies!
1) THE AVENGERS: It's a movie 4 years in the making. Several box office hits has every comic book nerd (like me) waiting in line for weeks! The trailers are just beyond awesome. Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, and Hawkeye are finally assembled! Can't wait!
2) YELLOW SUBMARINE: They are finally re-releasing this one in theaters. It's the Beatles duking it out with the Blue Meanies. A whole lot of crazy stuff to look at and even more great Beatles music.
3) DARK SHADOWS: It's Tim Burton and Johnny Depp doing what they do best. Bizarre/macabre images and quirky humor. Must see.
4) GOD BLESS AMERICA: A guy with no hope and terminally ill decides he's going to team up with an emo high schooler and they go around beating up annoying celebrities. Who wouldn't want to do that? As an added bonus, it has one of the most underappreciated comedians: Larry Miller!
5) DRAGON EYES: I love martial arts movies. Throw in Jean Claude Van Damme and we got us something awesome. Then again it's starring that one guy from the live action Tekken movie. I'm still going to see it.
See you at the movies!
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