There's an old joke I've been told for many years now: The only things people can count on in life is death and taxes. I think we can add one more: disappointment. That pretty much sums up my opinion of Cowboys and Aliens. It is a big disappointment.
A little backstory: I first saw the trailer for this movie when I went to see Thor with a buddy of mine. I was just being a bit of a smart mouth when it came on and said, "What is this? Cowboys and Aliens?" Because that was the dumbest title for a movie I could think of off the top of my head. My friend and I had a good chuckle at it but then the title appeared. I don't think I could close my mouth for about two minutes. I was in such shock that that really was the title of this film. I made a few more jokes about it afterwards with some other friends and they shot me some of the steely eyes of death. "Cowboys and Aliens is going to be awesome!" my friend said. "That's Jon Favreau's movie!" I let it just stop with that since I clearly was spitting on sacred ground.
I did some research into the movie just to see who was in it. I gathered from the trailer Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig were in it but I was blown away by the supporting cast. Olivia Wilde and Sam Rockwell were going to be in it as well! It was already looking up but then I saw the name that clinched it for me. I saw the name of one of the most underrated actors of my generation: Clancy Brown! I needed to see this movie. I needed it to be good.
It's not good. At all. I really don't know where to begin with this one. And for those that haven't seen it I will have spoilers from this point on. Fair warning.
We start the movie with Daniel Craig laying in a field with a metal braclet on. (Insert Wonder Woman joke here.) Three riders happen upon him (get used to that phrase: happen to meet) and want to capture him because they figure he's an outlaw because he's wounded out in the middle of nowhere. We then get a fight scene where he proceeds to kill all three men, steal their clothes, one of their horses, and even the dog that was following him. Our hero ladies and Gentlemen.
From there we are introduced to the town preacher played by Clancy Brown. He treats his wounds and pontificates a little. We already know he's going to die. I'm depressed. Then we happen upon a kid, but by kid of course I mean a guy well into his twenties whining like he's seven. He's taking shots at the tavern run by Doc played by Sam Rockwell because... he's.... bored? Then he goes into horrible exposition about how rich and powerful his daddy is and therefore he deserves free alcohol and can do whatever he wants in town. Normally, this would be a good setup for a villian but of course we aren't talking about a villian. No, we are talking about the great Harrison Ford as Dollarhide (subtle). His introduction into the movie is him about to quarter one of his subordinates because aliens came and blew up his cattle and killed two of his ranchers. Our hero? He gets word that his son is in prison because during his little tantrum in town he accidentily shot a deputy in the shoulder and in prison with him is Daniel Craig because his identity has finally been introduced to us and himself because of amnesia that he is the cold blooded stage robber and murderer Jake Lonergan. (subtle)
Dollarhide rides into town trying to take both of them because Lonergan stole some gold from him but that's where the aliens attack. They start kidnapping people in their flying grabbie things. But that's when the bracelet starts working. Turns out it's a weapon and he downs one of the flying grabbie things in one shot. But the alien manages to get out and is now on the run.
Naturally they form a posse so they can go after the alien and try to find everyone that was kidnapped. Tagging along is Ella played by Olivia Wilde. Who is she you might ask? Why she's Lonergan's love interest for this story but more on her later I promise. While on the trail they find an overturned riverboat... in New Mexico... and Dollarhide had the brilliant idea of making camp inside the incredibly out of place boat that was upside down because it was raining and he didn't want to get wet. Do I really need to mention how stupid this is or should I just scream, IT'S A TRAP like I'm Admiral Akbar in Star Wars?
Oh but don't worry. We haven't forgotten about Lonergan's amnesia subplot! We run into his old gang! And they are just so kind and wonderful too. They graciously fill in the subplothole with more exposition just before trying to kill Lonergan. But no problem because the super bracelet gun happens to activate and he shoots the leader. So, being the gang that they are and so loyal to their boss they shoot everyone dead and the movie ends. NOPE. They set their guns down and let them leave. Even though they outnumber them by oh 10 to 1 and have all the guns. It's right about here my head starts to throb a bit. But don't you worry dear reader, I'll get to the aggregious part soon.
They are out in the daylight (remember this for later there will be a test) running from Lonergan's old gang when the aliens attack and start catching more people. We have a nice little fight scene with Lonergan trying desperately to get Ella back from the aliens. He is successful until we have our jump scare and the alien punches Ella across her head. Lonergan of course kills the alien and tries to treat the wound on her stomach. I hope you caught that. It gets worse. He takes her back to the others and of course she dies. Then a group of indians happen upon our heroes. I told you I would use that phrase a lot.
The indians throw Ella's body in the fire. Why they did this I don't know. Sacrilege maybe? But no matter because she erupts in a burst of flame and she's alive again. This is where I lose it. It turns out she's an alien all along! She knows all about the aliens because she had her race wiped out by these guys too. Oh so many questions! But hey, let's have her monologue them to us because now the indians think she's a God!
Why are the aliens here? What do they want? Why are they kidnapping people? I must know! This is the moment we've been waiting for! Over half way through the whole movie and we know nothing about the antagonists of the movie! Please tell me! Why are the aliens doing all this? Gold. Uhm... What? Gold. I'm sorry. There's something wrong with my hearing these days. What was that? Gold. Oh sweet Jesus. Gold. Gold? Gold. Dollarhide even makes a joke about this! He says, "What are they going to do? Buy something!" QUIT TELLING ME THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!! Ella basically says yes. That's exactly what they will do. After killing all humans of course. Oh naturally. I don't remember too much after this for three reasons: 1) the end is what you expect. They break into the alien ship, rescue everyone, blow it up and that's it. 2) because I was face palming the entire time because of the level of stupidity I just had to endure.
And if that wasn't enough of an insult to our collective intelligence we go to 3) Lonergan gets his memory back because he was given some peyote from the indian chief. I'm going to let that sink in for a second. Calm.... breathe... you are almost finished with this review... of screw it ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! Peyote is a psychotic drug that makes you see things that aren't there! Yes, it will make you see aliens but that doesn't mean that they are the ones you are looking for! Are you insane! You're more likely to see purple floating ponies on the back of your skull than you are to get repressed memories back after ingesting peyote!
All those kidnapped people. They weren't used to mine the gold you know. No they were kidnapped so they can stare at a pool of glowing water while hanging from the ceiling. God these aliens are dumb. They could've harvested as much gold as they want. They could do their little drilling thing, left, and nobody would be the wiser. The only reason anybody knows you are even HERE is because you were abducting people! ARGH!!!! Oh yeah. I almost forgot about the significance of the daylight thing I noted earlier. You see they can't see so well in the daylight. But flying manned spacecraft is no trouble.
Death....Taxes....Disappointment.
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