Elysium Review: You have got to be kidding me.

Oh how this movie sucks.  Let me count the ways.  Fair warning this article is going to be long.  I really don't want to get too much into the story because I have too much to say about the poor way this movie tries to deliver it's message.  If you want to know the story, it's District 9 and Johnny Mnemonic thrown into a blender and turned on puree.  And it sucks.

It's a weird thing to realize that a writer has no idea what money actually is.  I didn't think that was possible until I saw this movie.  I wouldn't make such a big deal about this but it's very thesis of the movie. 

Here's what the movie is about... Or at least what it thinks it's about... It's about how the rich have everything and the rest of us have nothing.  And I know it sounds like I'm joking around when I say this movie doesn't know what money is, but I'm being 100% honest.  This movie has no idea what the hell money is for!

Here's what I'm talking about.  Money is a sophisticated way to exchange goods and services.  Let's say you need something like a can of paint to paint your fence.  I give someone money, and they give me the paint I want.  I also can give money to someone else in exchange they paint my fence.  But what if I don't need my fence painted?  Well, then I don't go out any buy paint or pay someone to paint my fence.  I keep my money and use it to purchase something else I might need.  Or hire someone else to do a job I need done.

Here's where I say this movie doesn't understand money... what if you don't need anything?  If I have a dollar, and say I don't have any tasks to be completed or have any need to purchase goods, what good is that dollar to me?  In this movie all tasks on this orbiting space station called Elysium are done by robots.  The space station is self sufficient so it doesn't need supplies.  We're left to assume there's plenty to eat since nobody in the entire movie ever eats, sleeps, or goes to the bathroom.  On Elysium there is literally nothing to do but lay by the pool.  Robots and machines take care of everything.  They want for nothing.  So, why do they want to earn money?

I'm being serious here.  Why do they need money?  Why do they need it so badly that they are willing to treat fellow human beings like disposable diapers?  Just give me some kind of justification.  Anything!  Uhm... they have to pay taxes to stay on Elysium and if they don't they are sent back to Earth.  I'd accept that.  It's still more or less BS because again robots take care of everything and really there's nothing for the people to do.  The government doesn't need money because they along with the other rich people all live on a self-sustaining space station run and maintained by robots.

I have to keep emphasizing this: I'm taking this movie seriously because the movie wants me to take the movie seriously.  It's really trying to talk about how people who have everything become jaded to the suffering of others.  But when it's taken to this kind of extreme with no explanations at all, it's confusing at best and complete crap at it's worst. 

Take for example the magic science health beds.  Say for example you fall and break your leg.  Well, just lay on the bed and hit the start button and in about a minute that broken leg will be completely healed.  The bed does everything from curing the common cold to bringing the dead back to life.  Wait what?  Okay, in fairness the guy wasn't dead.  BUT HE SURE AS HELL SHOULD'VE BEEN DEAD!  This guy took a grenade TO THE FACE!  He's just about as dead as a person can get because he, you know, had his face ripped off in a violent explosion!  But just put in the bed and he gets better.  And crazy... for some reason.  Not that he was the picture of mental health to begin with, but yeah.  He went a little nuts.  I guess if I had died and come back to life I'd be a little pissed too.

Wait a minute.  What was I talking about?  In this movie we have the technology to cure any illness and treat any physical ailment.  We literally can have the lame walk and the blind see using this medical technology.  So, why doesn't everyone have this?  I'm not being funny here.  This is what really pissed me off about this movie.  This is what had me flipping off the movie for the last hour or so of the movie.  REMEMBER: This movie wants to be taken seriously not only as a science fiction movie, but also a high drama movie.  On my walk home from the theater I really tried to figure this out:

In this movie, only the rich people have access to these sciency health beds.  They are literally in everyone's house on Elysium... probably in case they get stomach cramps in the middle of the night.  Meanwhile, down on Earth, hospitals are so overcrowded and under funded that the terminally ill are literally thrown out.  They don't have this technology... for some reason.  The implication is that because the rich have all the money, they have access to the best of everything.  They get the clean air, the fresh water, the best healthcare, yada yada yada. 

Here's the problem: The technology exists.  I made a joke that it's magic but it's not.  It's technology that is readily available to a select few.  Why is it only available to a select few?  Maybe you're thinking it's a resource thing.  There's only so many that were made and it's too expensive to make more.  With this argument we go back to the whole money doesn't mean dick if there's nothing to spend it on.  People in Elysium do nothing.  I keep coming back to this because they literally do nothing.  There's like a handful of people that "govern" the place.  But that's it.  And even they do nothing.  Jodie Foster channels her inner Colonel Jessup but that's about the extent of her day.  They have one business guy.  And he does... business... things... I don't know why...  He runs the factory on Earth that builds robots... not sure why he does that.  You have robots.  You have robots that fix robots.  Robots are cheaper labor than humans so why employ humans?  They work harder, need less of them, don't sleep, and don't need lunch breaks.  I digress... anyway at the end of the movie, medical ships fly down from the Heavens and start healing the sick and the crippled.  So right there the argument about limited resources is completely invalidated. 

So what other reason could they have for hoarding this miracle technology?  It can't be limited number of beds because again the medical ships come flying down and literally treat every single human on the planet.  It's not limited supply.  It's not limited resources.  It's not limited energy or medicine because the beds don't use medicine.  It just passes a light over your body and then you're fine... The only answer left is that the people on Elysium just don't want to. 

That is a comic book level of evil.  Nobody purposefully watches others suffer for no reason except for the mentally deranged or the most depraved of Bond villians.  No I take that back.  Bond villians always have a plan and a reason for doing it.  These people have absolutely no motivation.  "They want to keep their way of life."  Bulls*** They want for nothing.  It costs them nothing to make everyone a citizen and give access to all the privledges of Elysium.  They just don't because they are evil.  No motivation.  They want to live well and for whatever reason they just don't like the people on Earth.  They hate them so much that they intentionally inflict remorseless suffering on them just because they are there.  Sure you can try and insert some kind of racial or social commentary on this but I go back to the whole notion of Elysium is paradise!  They want nothing.  They need nothing.  They have plenty and keep taking just because they can.  They don't even really want it.  Because they are too busy wallowing in their own boredom! 

Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this movie?  The rich make the poor suffer because it's something to do?  Suffering amuses them?  Just how bleak of a worldview does this writer have?

What really kills me is that this movie had so much potential and it was just all wasted.  It's told so poorly it forgets it's own subplots and even manages to make the main story superfluous.  If I was writing this movie, I would've scrapped the whole thing and started again.  I would've had it be a bit more like Total Recall where there's a resistance movement against the people living on Elysium.  Because really the way the people on Earth were treated, there really is no reason to obey the law.  Or just scrap the whole "on a space station" thing and have it be more like the movie In Time or The Hunger Games where people are in different economic quadrents.  At least then there's a reason to earn money.  That way they can pay for defense of their economic quadrent and keep the lower class out.  But then you fall into the "why keep anyone out" problem because it went too far.  It's not that they have an abundance of resources, it's that they have unlimited resources.

This movie is a socio-political commentary told in the worst kind of way.

R.I.P.D. review: It's M.I.B. only not as good.

On the surface of it, this movie seems harmless.  It's just a silly little comedy with a crazy premise and it's about as unoriginal as it gets.  That's not the part that upsets me.  I'm not all that angry that it's a complete rip-off of Men In Black.  Honestly, I'm not.  If you want my quick review, there it is.  It's Men In Black but with ghosts instead of aliens.  Don't believe me, let's compare:

Men In Black is about a young hot shot cop who is recruited into the MiB because they recognize his skills.  R.I.P.D. is about a young hot shot cop who is recruited into the Rest In Peace Devision because they recognize his skills.  The twist is that he was (kind of) a dirty cop looking for a little bit of salvation. 

Men In Black had a grizzled old veteran named K who was without a partner who tends to play outside the rules but gets the job done.  R.I.P.D. has a grizzled old veteran named Roy who was without a partner who tends to play outside the rules but gets the job done.  We are first introduced to Agent K with him interrogating an alien he then eventually shoots into blue goo.  We meet Roy as he shoots a fleeing monster and turns him into blue smoke. 

Men In Black has our protagonist save the world from certain doom on his first day.  R.I.P.D. has our protagonist save the world from certain doom on his first day.  Men In Black has them searching for something called "the galaxy".  R.I.P.D. has the heroes trying to find "the staff of Jericho." 

It's the job of the MiB to police and conceal alien activity on planet Earth.  It's the job of the R.I.P.D. to police and conceal demonic creatures from Hell.  But, while MiB has a memory eraser device made out of science, R.I.P.D. doesn't have even that little fig leaf.

I could go on but why bother.  I made my point.

And again, this isn't what upset me about this movie.  At least not entirely.  This movie is the very definition of couldn't care less.  It's a totally phoned-in, cash grab of a movie.  Just throw in some A-list celebrities like Kevin Bacon, Jeff Bridges, and Ryan Reynolds and see how many people will go see it.

I have to talk about the internal logic.  When you create a fantastical world, you have to put some time and care into it.  Believe it or not, MiB did that.  They carefully explained the need for secrecy, they introduced a plausible method for why people would be unaware of alien activity, and they had characters that acted in logical ways considering the abnormality of the environment.  In other words: the world is strange to us, but not to them.  And over the course of the movie the world becomes less strange because time and care is given to ensuring that the world doesn't remain strange. 

R.I.P.D. on the other hand couldn't care less.  We are introduced to a world where there is a life after death.  There's a Heaven and a Hell.  In this world, if someone dies and hangs around on Earth too long they become more monster like.  But if you are a cop and you die, the R.I.P.D. will recruit you and it'll be your job to arrest the monsters and send them to Hell.  That part is easy to understand.  The part about secrecy is not. 

They try but it could've been done so much easier.  They throw out a bunch of junk about how the living have to keep living and move on, but I have to ask why?  There is a life after death!  You know that one true love you had, and then tragically died?  Not to worry because there is a life after death!  There's no point in finding someone else.  There's no point in grieving.  Just keep on and carry on.  When you die, you'll see that person again.  How weird would that be if you married someone, that person died, you remarry someone else, and then meet your first spouse in Heaven?  And then your second spouse died.  I know in the Bible it says we would be like the Angels and not given as husband and wife, but we aren't talking about the Bible.  We are talking about this movie.  In this movie we are still us.  Our individuality remains intact.  The only difference between being alive and being dead is that it's harder to kill dead people.  I don't know if I'd like it if I knew what was waiting for me after I die was an episode of Jerry Springer!  Next time on St. Jerry Springer: I Have Two Husbands!

The memory wiping device from MiB.  When I first saw MiB, I thought it was just hand-waving a problem away.  But then I saw what happens when you don't even have that.  R.I.P.D. has absolutely nothing from keeping people from finding out about demons and ghosts.  In fact, at one point in the movie it's on the 6 o'clock news.  And there is no better way to undermine the message of "I'm dead. Get over me and live your life" quite like emperical evidence that there's an afterlife! 

I could go on and on.  Major plot elements are just thrown at us.  "Hey remember when this happened?"  NO!!!  I don't because I didn't see it!  VISUAL MEDIA!!!  SHOW!!!!! 

I'm done.  Why should I put more effort into saying how much it sucks than the people who made it in the first place? 

It sucks.  Don't see it.

The Wolverine Review: But he gets better

There's a joke that's been around since I believe the 1970's.  I remember first hearing it on an old episode of M.A.S.H.  I'll save you the setup, but Hawkeye turns to his friend Trapper and says, "I thought you said he was dead."  Trapper responds, "He got better." 

I've used that joke to make fun of one of the most over-used clichés in comic books, and that is the hero returning to life.  Just about every major superhero in comics has died, and come back to life in one form or another.  Captain America dies in one of the biggest/most shocking scenes in comic book history... but he gets better.  Superman gives his life in an awesome fight against Doomsday.  They have a funeral for him.  Everyone says their goodbyes... and he gets better.  Basically, any character that has a fan base, they will never really kill that character off.  There will always be a way to bring him back.  Even if it makes about as much sense as covering yourself in honey and poking sleeping bears.

I bring all this up because in the trailers they talk about "ending Wolverine's life."  And you know Wolverine isn't going to die.  And even if he did die, he'd just get better.  It's so rare to see a the main hero in a movie die.  And even if they die, the bad guy never wins.

There really isn't anything new in this movie.  But that's not why we go to see it.  We go to see Wolverine be awesome.  And that's exactly what you get.

There are a few things that annoyed me about the movie and it's mostly because of the comic book geek in me.  The one huge complaint later but first this: I didn't like the look of Yukio, they changed who would become Silver Samurai, and I didn't like them turning Viper into a mutant. 

Unless you were to do the research yourself, you've probably never heard of Yukio unless you're a huge X-Men fan.  But here's what they did to her: 1) They made her look like Lady Deathstryke with that ridiculous red hair, and 2) they made her a clairvoyant mutant.  The entire movie I was waiting for her to reveal herself as Deathstryke but she never did.  And the stupid "seeing people's death" mutant power!  WHY!?!?  It literally added nothing to the movie! 

The changing of the Silver Samurai... I get it.  Really I do.  But it still wasn't necessary.  I can't really talk about this without getting into spoilers, but for me it's just one of those things where I'm scratching my head wondering why they went this route.  I understand why they did it.  They wanted to have this big emotional moment at the end of the movie, but it's so telegraphed and lacking any emotion that it really would've been better had they not gone that way in the first place.

And then there's Viper.  Oh dear God what did they do to Viper?  I'm less upset they made her into a mutant than I am they completely forgot that Viper is a member of HYDRA!  If you've seen Captain America: The First Avenger you should be familiar with Hydra.  Hydra is the Red Skull's group.  A group more ruthless and bloodthirsty than the Nazis.  And this element of the story was never explored.  Personally I think it would've added a lot.  Especially since we start the movie on Nagasaki just before the atomic bomb was dropped in WWII!

And that leads me in to what I found the most annoying about this movie: It's in canon with the three X-Men movies.  And I hated those movies.  Especially the third one.  So even though I was expecting this to be a sequel to X-Men Origins Wolverine, it's instead a sequel to X-Men The Last Stand.  The entire movie Wolverine has fantasies about dying and being with Jean Grey in Heaven.  The entire point of it was to emphasize how much Wolverine is tired of living forever and watching everyone around him die.  If you don't know how it ends, just think about it for a minute.

My problems with this are mostly with the way these characters are treated in the movie and less with the story itself.  The action scenes are really good and if you go there just to watch Wolverine be awesome, you're going to get Wolverine being awesome.  What upsets me is that this movie could've been so much more than it was.  With just a little bit of work it could've been something very special.  It could've tied in the events of The Avengers and could've led into Wolverine being a part of the next Avengers movie.  It could've been a heart wrenching tale of betrayal and sacrifice, but instead it's a generic action film.

It's an enjoyable popcorn flick.  But that's it.  Shame.