Surprisingly not too many big name movies coming out this week. But there are two that are getting a good amount of buzz. Let's take a look and see if there's anything to them.
Apollo 18
The lost footage of the last manned mission to the Moon and what they found there... and why we enver went back again.
The Good: ? It's in English?
The Bad: Everything. It's the Blair Witch Project in space with aliens.
Final Thoughts: On the surface this should be a movie I like. It's shot in the same style as Paranormal Activity which I loved and it's generally the same kind of story. Here's the problem! These lost footage movies rely heavily on credibility. (I should do my next editorial on "Lost Footage Movies") Just think back to middle school history class and you know already that there wasn't an Apollo 18 mission. So there's already a problem with the suspension of disbelief. Also, the trailers don't really give a feeling that the acting will be any good. And it raises a lot of historical problems. I mean we know who was scheduled to be on Apollo 18 before it was scrapped. How do you address that? You know they are still alive right? In the end this movie doesn't have the credibility needed to have the same effect as movies like Paranormal Activity, Blair Witch Project, or even Cloverfield. Expect something more silly like Quarantine. Wait for rental.
Shark Night 3D
Students go up to a lake and have a wild time at a lake house. But there are sharks in the water.
The Good: Should be dumb, hokey, B movie schlock. A plot that can't possibly be taken seriously so it should be fun to watch a movie that is intentionally bad.
The Bad: It looks too good. I know a weird criticism but the shark looks very real and I'm worried that instead of playing it up for laughs, they are trying to go too serious with it and trying to rival movies like Jaws.
Final Thoughts: I'm looking forward to seeing this one. But I'm trying to contain that excitement. The trailer is a bipolar. The first half it looks like a summer sex romp movie but then the sharks attack. The way I see it, this movie could be either one of two extremes: either it's going to be a B movie schlock fest like Piranas 3D or it's going to be embarrassing like Jaws 3 (Jaws 3D). Cautious optimism?
see you at the movies.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Drive like a bat out of hell! Drive Angry Review
Nick Cage... Thank you. Thank you for being so awesome. Thank you for having such horrible financial problems that you do movies like this. Thank you for not doing any more Leaving Los Vegas type movies. Not that Leaving Los Vegas isn't awesome but, you sir, are the king of B movie action schlock. And for that, I thank you. My hat is off to you sir. Thank you.
Is Drive Angry a good movie? No. Of course it isn't. But is it entertaining? Oh yeah. It is so gloriously over the top, it is in the running for one of my favorite Nick Cage movies. Movies like this; you need to get the joke. The joke is that it is intentionally bad but played straight. It's schlock. That's the joke. It's a comedy without being a comedy. If you don't know there even is a joke, let alone find it funny, than there is no way you will enjoy this movie. It's horribly acted, it's gratuitous in it's action and naked women, and the story is such a house of cards it defies imagination. But it's so much fun!
Nick Cage is a guy named Milton and he's on a mission. His daughter had been murdered by a Satanic cult and his granddaughter is set to be sacrificed to Satan on the night of the full moon. But trying to track him down is the mysterious "Accountant". (William Fichtner. More on this guy later) His search takes him to a diner where he meets Piper played by Amber Heard. I can't tell you more about the plot without giving away the surprises other than this. If I had to summarize the story, it would be rediculous. But fun!
The only criticism I can really give this movie is the casting of William Fichtner as the Accountant. Not that he did a bad job. He didn't. But the entire movie he looked and felt like he was doing a Christopher Walken impression. So, why not cast Christopher Walken? If there is any guy who is more gloriously over the top than Nick Cage, it's Christopher Walken. Hollywood. Get on this. I want to see Christopher Walken and Nick Cage in a movie together! MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
I saw this movie in 3D and honestly, I don't know how else you can see it. Every scene is things flying at the screen. There are so many 3D spots that I now really want to see it in 2D because it will look horrible in 2D. I'm normally very critical of the overuse of 3D but I'm not kidding. Everything was shot in such a cartoonish way and specifically for 3D that if we were to see this in the normal format, you'd probably get something like Jaws 3. If you get a chance, see it in 3D.
Keep in mind this is a bad movie that is supposed to be bad. If you get the joke, it's so much fun.
Is Drive Angry a good movie? No. Of course it isn't. But is it entertaining? Oh yeah. It is so gloriously over the top, it is in the running for one of my favorite Nick Cage movies. Movies like this; you need to get the joke. The joke is that it is intentionally bad but played straight. It's schlock. That's the joke. It's a comedy without being a comedy. If you don't know there even is a joke, let alone find it funny, than there is no way you will enjoy this movie. It's horribly acted, it's gratuitous in it's action and naked women, and the story is such a house of cards it defies imagination. But it's so much fun!
Nick Cage is a guy named Milton and he's on a mission. His daughter had been murdered by a Satanic cult and his granddaughter is set to be sacrificed to Satan on the night of the full moon. But trying to track him down is the mysterious "Accountant". (William Fichtner. More on this guy later) His search takes him to a diner where he meets Piper played by Amber Heard. I can't tell you more about the plot without giving away the surprises other than this. If I had to summarize the story, it would be rediculous. But fun!
The only criticism I can really give this movie is the casting of William Fichtner as the Accountant. Not that he did a bad job. He didn't. But the entire movie he looked and felt like he was doing a Christopher Walken impression. So, why not cast Christopher Walken? If there is any guy who is more gloriously over the top than Nick Cage, it's Christopher Walken. Hollywood. Get on this. I want to see Christopher Walken and Nick Cage in a movie together! MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
I saw this movie in 3D and honestly, I don't know how else you can see it. Every scene is things flying at the screen. There are so many 3D spots that I now really want to see it in 2D because it will look horrible in 2D. I'm normally very critical of the overuse of 3D but I'm not kidding. Everything was shot in such a cartoonish way and specifically for 3D that if we were to see this in the normal format, you'd probably get something like Jaws 3. If you get a chance, see it in 3D.
Keep in mind this is a bad movie that is supposed to be bad. If you get the joke, it's so much fun.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark review: Don't worry I won't.
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. I have to admit. I didn't see this one coming. I honestly thought this was going to be a good movie. The trailer makes it kinda creepy With voices in the darkness and you never really see anything clearly. Yeah. Now I know why. Seeing nothing is literally better than what they show you in this movie. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
What made this movie so bad? Let me try to go in some kind of order. I mean the screenplay for this movie was just so dull. I've seen other monster movies and it follows the same pattern to the letter. We start sometime in the past, some guy gets killed by the monster, flash forward to present day and the monster starts attacking the new people. Lather, rinse, repeat. But one important thing to remember as I describe the idiocy that is to come: They made this perfectly clear. "One life must be taken." One. As in the number. As in single.
As the movie begins, an old painter named Blackwood is trying to get the monsters to give him back his son. They took him down into this cave where the entrance is an old ash stove in the basement of his house. You see, they really like to eat teeth. But especially children's teeth. Being without a child handy, he kills his housekeeper, steals her teeth and knocks out his own and tries to bribe the monster. Instead they just take him down there too.
Right away we have ruined the continuity of the movie. "One life must be taken." Well, you didn't seem to have a problem taking two now did you? And we've already given away the identity of the monster, or should I just start saying it in plural form now, monsters: It's the tooth fairy. Already I want my money back and it's only been 3 minutes.
I've said this to my friends before: It takes a special kind of movie that can destroy any credibility it has with less than five words. Let me give you some examples: Highlander 2... zeist. Done. Star Wars Episode I... metachlorians. Done. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.... tooth fairies. Done. Credibility completely destroyed. And you figure out this little twist right away. There's no suspense.
Then we are introduced to our new target... I mean child. And my God did I want to hit this kid. Not the actress mind you. Bailee Madison was actually a really good actress in this movie. But the character she plays has to be the dumbest kid to have ever lived. I mean this is a kid you don't want running with scissors. She is the first to hear the tooth fairies calling out to her. So instead of getting scared or reaching for her medications, (Oh yeah. She takes anti-psychotics. But that doesn't ruin her credibility any. Kim played by Katie Holmes believes her almost immediately.) She goes to the basement and sees the door to the tooth fairies' lair bolted shut. What does she do? Opens it. I'd like to think that a normally functioning human being would not do that. 'There's creepy voices coming from an old furnace. They say they want to be my friend. I should open it.' And I don't know if I heard this right, but if I did... again, no credibility as a scary movie. When she was loosening the bolts, He had some trouble with it and I swear I heard the tooth fairies say, "go with the grain!" I nearly lost it in the theater. I tried to hard to hold back my laughter. "Go with the grain!"
So, how do the monsters look? Surely a scary looking monster would at least take some of the sting out of being 'the tooth fairy'. They are about half a foot tall, gray, and hairy. Yeah. Lame. I'm sorry. I can't take a monster serious if I can step on it and kill them. I don't care how many there are. We also know that they hate bright lights. Ok. The minute all this wierdness starts happening, I'd be looking to burn the house down.
But no we establish that the father in this movie played by not Mark Wahlberg, Guy Pierce spent all his money on this house so he can restore it and sell it off. I am not kidding. I honestly thought he was Mark Wahlberg the entire movie. Which then got me to start thinking about "The Happening". An M. Night. Shyamalan movie where Mark Wahlberg talks to the plants. How sad is it that I got more enjoyment thinking about out a horrible movie like "The Happening" than I did watching this?
But even if you don't want to burn the house down, couldn't you get a flamethrower and torch the inside of that furnace? Ok maybe not a flamethrower. I'm sure they are hard enough to get. But you could always throw a few molotov cocktails down there! The cave goes down for miles! Torch the buggers!
There were a lot of American movies playing today. I chose this one. I wish I chose Drive Angry. At least Nick Cage is always good for a few laughs.
I won't spoil the ending but needless to say it sucks. Don't watch this. It's not even good for laughs. It's just stupid all around. It's played too serious to be campy fun and I just couldn't take it seriously.
What made this movie so bad? Let me try to go in some kind of order. I mean the screenplay for this movie was just so dull. I've seen other monster movies and it follows the same pattern to the letter. We start sometime in the past, some guy gets killed by the monster, flash forward to present day and the monster starts attacking the new people. Lather, rinse, repeat. But one important thing to remember as I describe the idiocy that is to come: They made this perfectly clear. "One life must be taken." One. As in the number. As in single.
As the movie begins, an old painter named Blackwood is trying to get the monsters to give him back his son. They took him down into this cave where the entrance is an old ash stove in the basement of his house. You see, they really like to eat teeth. But especially children's teeth. Being without a child handy, he kills his housekeeper, steals her teeth and knocks out his own and tries to bribe the monster. Instead they just take him down there too.
Right away we have ruined the continuity of the movie. "One life must be taken." Well, you didn't seem to have a problem taking two now did you? And we've already given away the identity of the monster, or should I just start saying it in plural form now, monsters: It's the tooth fairy. Already I want my money back and it's only been 3 minutes.
I've said this to my friends before: It takes a special kind of movie that can destroy any credibility it has with less than five words. Let me give you some examples: Highlander 2... zeist. Done. Star Wars Episode I... metachlorians. Done. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.... tooth fairies. Done. Credibility completely destroyed. And you figure out this little twist right away. There's no suspense.
Then we are introduced to our new target... I mean child. And my God did I want to hit this kid. Not the actress mind you. Bailee Madison was actually a really good actress in this movie. But the character she plays has to be the dumbest kid to have ever lived. I mean this is a kid you don't want running with scissors. She is the first to hear the tooth fairies calling out to her. So instead of getting scared or reaching for her medications, (Oh yeah. She takes anti-psychotics. But that doesn't ruin her credibility any. Kim played by Katie Holmes believes her almost immediately.) She goes to the basement and sees the door to the tooth fairies' lair bolted shut. What does she do? Opens it. I'd like to think that a normally functioning human being would not do that. 'There's creepy voices coming from an old furnace. They say they want to be my friend. I should open it.' And I don't know if I heard this right, but if I did... again, no credibility as a scary movie. When she was loosening the bolts, He had some trouble with it and I swear I heard the tooth fairies say, "go with the grain!" I nearly lost it in the theater. I tried to hard to hold back my laughter. "Go with the grain!"
So, how do the monsters look? Surely a scary looking monster would at least take some of the sting out of being 'the tooth fairy'. They are about half a foot tall, gray, and hairy. Yeah. Lame. I'm sorry. I can't take a monster serious if I can step on it and kill them. I don't care how many there are. We also know that they hate bright lights. Ok. The minute all this wierdness starts happening, I'd be looking to burn the house down.
But no we establish that the father in this movie played by not Mark Wahlberg, Guy Pierce spent all his money on this house so he can restore it and sell it off. I am not kidding. I honestly thought he was Mark Wahlberg the entire movie. Which then got me to start thinking about "The Happening". An M. Night. Shyamalan movie where Mark Wahlberg talks to the plants. How sad is it that I got more enjoyment thinking about out a horrible movie like "The Happening" than I did watching this?
But even if you don't want to burn the house down, couldn't you get a flamethrower and torch the inside of that furnace? Ok maybe not a flamethrower. I'm sure they are hard enough to get. But you could always throw a few molotov cocktails down there! The cave goes down for miles! Torch the buggers!
There were a lot of American movies playing today. I chose this one. I wish I chose Drive Angry. At least Nick Cage is always good for a few laughs.
I won't spoil the ending but needless to say it sucks. Don't watch this. It's not even good for laughs. It's just stupid all around. It's played too serious to be campy fun and I just couldn't take it seriously.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Horror vs Dark Comedy. So often confused
Happy Halloween everyone! I must not have gotten the memo but Halloween is coming early this year. I know this has to be true because Final Destination 5, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, and Fright Night were all released in August. What's with all the scary movies coming out in August? I'd think that a release in October would be better financially. Just a thought.
Anyway, since I am now a "professional" amateur film critic and I'm inclined to go see some of these movies, I think I should give my own definition of what I think a "horror" movie really is.
Most people would think horror just means scary. For me, there's a big difference. Lots of things can be scary. Jason Vorhees is scary. But so is trying to tell my Dad you got into an accident while driving his Mustang. Horror is something much different than just scary. Scary is a very base feeling. It goes deep into the lower brain, fight of flight feelings we all face at some time. We get scared by the big, bad bully on the playground, we get scared by noises at night, I've been scared by a test I forgot about until the day before and never studied.
Horror is more of an atmospheric feeling. It's chilling. It's a feeling that goes deep into your soul and won't let go. It's a feeling not easily described. Perhaps an example: Jaws. Jaws is what I would call a "horror" movie. It got people so freaked out by sharks that there are people today that won't go to the beach because they are freaked out that a shark will come after them. The music, the POV cameras all give that feeling of being stalked. Like a predator is coming for you and won't leave until you are dead. It's a feeling that even though you tell yourself that rationally there's nothing to be afraid of, you still feel it.
I'm not talking about being startled, I'm talking about deep psychological phobias.
Most of what we think of in terms of "horror" movies I would call a dark comedy. I know. It's a very perverse thought and I'd better make my case on this. Let's take for example some of the Friday the 13th sequels because those are some of the better examples of what I'm talking about. We all kinda know the story: Jason Vorhees is an undead zombie who likes to kill people with a machete. He wears a hockey mask and just won't die. Have you seen some of the kills he does? Not all of them mind you. Some of them are really great! I remember seeing Kevin Bacon get an arrow through his neck and thought that was an awesome effect! But that's my point. I'm not afraid a zombie is under my bed with an arrow. (Yes I know about the real killer in Friday the 13th part 1 but my point is still valid) And some of the kills he makes are just out loud laughably funny. Remember the time Jason killed that guy in his sleeping bag? He grabbed the sleeping bag and bashed the poor guy against a tree! He did it in number 7 and Jason X. It's hilarious.
If you are laughing, chances are you are not scared.
Another thing: If you are cheering for Jason to kill some of these people, you are definately not scared. Watch Friday the 13th part 5 sometime. In one scene you have two people who are just cartoons. One guy with an axe chopping wood and a fat guy in a blue jogging suit with chocolate. Both of them... the guy with the axe is such a freak you want him to die and the fat slob is so annoying when he gets axed you don't feel scared. You're thinking, thank God. He's not in the rest of the movie.
There's no better example than the Final Destination movies. As of me writing this, I haven't seen Final Destination 5, but truth be told, I don't need to. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. These are movies for gore hounds. They are Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. You are meant to be repulsed by all the blood and gore, but also amused by the rediculous ways they die.
This is not horror!
If you want horror, give Paranormal Activity a try. It's craftmanship to see a spinning baby mobile and get a little weirded out by it. You don't need raging monsters or psycho killers to create horror. All you need is a feeling that things are just not right. And then you build on that. Every Halloween without fail I read Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" because it is exactly what I'm talking about. How a mourning man's mind can quickly turn from being amused at hearing a talking bird repeat the same word and then twist it in his own head to have it mean something so sinister that he gives up all hope of an afterlife.
Being so scared that it forever colors how you see the world. That is horror.
Anyway, since I am now a "professional" amateur film critic and I'm inclined to go see some of these movies, I think I should give my own definition of what I think a "horror" movie really is.
Most people would think horror just means scary. For me, there's a big difference. Lots of things can be scary. Jason Vorhees is scary. But so is trying to tell my Dad you got into an accident while driving his Mustang. Horror is something much different than just scary. Scary is a very base feeling. It goes deep into the lower brain, fight of flight feelings we all face at some time. We get scared by the big, bad bully on the playground, we get scared by noises at night, I've been scared by a test I forgot about until the day before and never studied.
Horror is more of an atmospheric feeling. It's chilling. It's a feeling that goes deep into your soul and won't let go. It's a feeling not easily described. Perhaps an example: Jaws. Jaws is what I would call a "horror" movie. It got people so freaked out by sharks that there are people today that won't go to the beach because they are freaked out that a shark will come after them. The music, the POV cameras all give that feeling of being stalked. Like a predator is coming for you and won't leave until you are dead. It's a feeling that even though you tell yourself that rationally there's nothing to be afraid of, you still feel it.
I'm not talking about being startled, I'm talking about deep psychological phobias.
Most of what we think of in terms of "horror" movies I would call a dark comedy. I know. It's a very perverse thought and I'd better make my case on this. Let's take for example some of the Friday the 13th sequels because those are some of the better examples of what I'm talking about. We all kinda know the story: Jason Vorhees is an undead zombie who likes to kill people with a machete. He wears a hockey mask and just won't die. Have you seen some of the kills he does? Not all of them mind you. Some of them are really great! I remember seeing Kevin Bacon get an arrow through his neck and thought that was an awesome effect! But that's my point. I'm not afraid a zombie is under my bed with an arrow. (Yes I know about the real killer in Friday the 13th part 1 but my point is still valid) And some of the kills he makes are just out loud laughably funny. Remember the time Jason killed that guy in his sleeping bag? He grabbed the sleeping bag and bashed the poor guy against a tree! He did it in number 7 and Jason X. It's hilarious.
If you are laughing, chances are you are not scared.
Another thing: If you are cheering for Jason to kill some of these people, you are definately not scared. Watch Friday the 13th part 5 sometime. In one scene you have two people who are just cartoons. One guy with an axe chopping wood and a fat guy in a blue jogging suit with chocolate. Both of them... the guy with the axe is such a freak you want him to die and the fat slob is so annoying when he gets axed you don't feel scared. You're thinking, thank God. He's not in the rest of the movie.
There's no better example than the Final Destination movies. As of me writing this, I haven't seen Final Destination 5, but truth be told, I don't need to. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. These are movies for gore hounds. They are Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. You are meant to be repulsed by all the blood and gore, but also amused by the rediculous ways they die.
This is not horror!
If you want horror, give Paranormal Activity a try. It's craftmanship to see a spinning baby mobile and get a little weirded out by it. You don't need raging monsters or psycho killers to create horror. All you need is a feeling that things are just not right. And then you build on that. Every Halloween without fail I read Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" because it is exactly what I'm talking about. How a mourning man's mind can quickly turn from being amused at hearing a talking bird repeat the same word and then twist it in his own head to have it mean something so sinister that he gives up all hope of an afterlife.
Being so scared that it forever colors how you see the world. That is horror.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Coming Soon: 8/26/11
Oh it's that time of the week again. New movies coming out. What's good? What's not so good? Let's look at the trailers.
1) Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: The story of a creepy house with monsters in the basement that are unleashed by a curious little girl. But nobody believes her when she tries to warn everyone.
The Good: It looks like a very scary movie with a strong emphasis on decor and hopefully less on the cheap boo scares.
The Bad: Nothing really new story wise.
Final Thoughts: Should be pretty good. Only see it if you like horror movies of course. The initial buzz about it is mixed. I say give it a shot.
2) Columbiana: Little girl turned assassin after witnessing her parents murder is out for revenge.
The Good: Zoe Saldana is an amazing actress. While being in very popular, but not necessarily good, movies she usually is the one stealing the spotlight. It's good to see her now featured in a leading role.
The Bad: This has been done to death. In the trailer it keeps repeating, "remember who you are." and I keep remembering The Bourne Identity and Salt. Zoe Saldana while a good actress is not a good action star. Expect her to be sexy and fight in extreme shaky close up where you can't see anything.
Final Thoughts: It's a character driven action movie much like The Bourne Identity and Salt like I said but while Matt Damon learned some basic fighting techniques before doing the movie, Angelina did not and it showed during the action scenes. Don't expect great performances from the supporting cast either. Bottom line is that it reminds me way too much of Salt; and I hated Salt.
3) The Debt: While not technically coming out on the 26th it does fall in between releases so I will add it here. It's about three retired Mossad agents who had a mission thirty years ago that has come back to haunt them.
The Good: Certainly more intellectually stimulating than other movies coming out this week. It's a action and suspence movie with a mystery twist.
The Bad: What's not to like?
Final Thoughts: This will probably be the best movie this week. It's bound to appeal to a broader audience than Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and with Helen Mirran as the lead actress I'm sure a good time will be had by all.
See you at the movies.
1) Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: The story of a creepy house with monsters in the basement that are unleashed by a curious little girl. But nobody believes her when she tries to warn everyone.
The Good: It looks like a very scary movie with a strong emphasis on decor and hopefully less on the cheap boo scares.
The Bad: Nothing really new story wise.
Final Thoughts: Should be pretty good. Only see it if you like horror movies of course. The initial buzz about it is mixed. I say give it a shot.
2) Columbiana: Little girl turned assassin after witnessing her parents murder is out for revenge.
The Good: Zoe Saldana is an amazing actress. While being in very popular, but not necessarily good, movies she usually is the one stealing the spotlight. It's good to see her now featured in a leading role.
The Bad: This has been done to death. In the trailer it keeps repeating, "remember who you are." and I keep remembering The Bourne Identity and Salt. Zoe Saldana while a good actress is not a good action star. Expect her to be sexy and fight in extreme shaky close up where you can't see anything.
Final Thoughts: It's a character driven action movie much like The Bourne Identity and Salt like I said but while Matt Damon learned some basic fighting techniques before doing the movie, Angelina did not and it showed during the action scenes. Don't expect great performances from the supporting cast either. Bottom line is that it reminds me way too much of Salt; and I hated Salt.
3) The Debt: While not technically coming out on the 26th it does fall in between releases so I will add it here. It's about three retired Mossad agents who had a mission thirty years ago that has come back to haunt them.
The Good: Certainly more intellectually stimulating than other movies coming out this week. It's a action and suspence movie with a mystery twist.
The Bad: What's not to like?
Final Thoughts: This will probably be the best movie this week. It's bound to appeal to a broader audience than Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and with Helen Mirran as the lead actress I'm sure a good time will be had by all.
See you at the movies.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Monkeygeddon? Rise of the Planet of the Apes Review
I needed to see a movie like this. I've had a horrible week at work. There's a lot of stress that comes with being a teacher; let alone one working in a foreign country. I needed to see a good movie. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is very good. From the trailers it looked like a monkey uprising movie; one that would be an all out war for the planet. In actuality, it's a tragic story about finding a place in the world, freedom, and a caution about trying to play God.
I think I was most surprised by how visual the movie turned out to be. There are several scenes to choose but one that most impressed me was when the apes were in the trees and the leaves were all falling on the ground. It looked like something very powerful was coming. Since we are dealing with apes that can't talk, the actors involved had to work harder to give a more visual performance to give the characters life. Hats off to Andy Serkis. Again he shows how he can steal a scene. He brought the same kind of kinetic energy that made Gollum so memorable in the Lord of the Rings movies.
Caesar (Andy Serkis) grabs at your heart as he goes from lovable little infant to maturity. The struggles he has to fit in to the human world is something we all feel along with him. When he draws a picture of the window on the cage wall we feel his sadness and longing to go back to his childhood and the people he loves. When he's so heartbroken, depressed, hopeless, and the realization that he can't ever go home again, we see him painfully erase the picture with his old t-shirt.
This movie fits well with the established story. We see the launching of the first astronaut headed for Mars. We see the headlines in the newspapers of how the ship was lost in space.
Spoilers from this point forward! Go see it. It's the best movie I've seen all year.
It's also important to note that there isn't any kind of ape uprising in this movie. They make it clear the reason the apes take over the planet is because of humans. Will Rodman (James Franco) invents a virus that is supposed to repair brain functions. As a side effect it gave the test chimp, Bright Eyes, hyper intelligence. Bright Eyes has a baby and passes on that increased intelligence to Caesar before she herself is killed because she thought the humans were going to hurt her baby. Will uses the virus on his ailing father (Jon Lithgow) and for a while it works. He is cured of alzheimer's and is able to live a normal life; until his immune system fought back. So, Will had to create a stronger virus and make it an airborne virus that would hopefully work.
It was this airborne version of the virus that made the apes far more intelligent. Soon they are writing words, drawing more sophisticated pictures, and in one of the most shocking scenes, giving Caesar the ability to talk. However this virus had a side effect when it came into contact with humans. It kills them.
Caesar, true to his name, forms an army of apes as they break out of their prisons and fight with humans all while trying to make it to Muir Forest. And this is where the movie ends. With Caesar saying goodbye to Will, a wonderful shot of Caesar atop the tallest red wood looking out over the San Francisco Bay (symbolism: freedom) and our unfortunate carrier of the killer virus about to go fly all over the world and doom mankind.
The acting is amazing, the visuals are just perfect, and really sets up the rest of the story. I absolutely recommend it and I welcome our new primate overlords.
See you at the movies.
I think I was most surprised by how visual the movie turned out to be. There are several scenes to choose but one that most impressed me was when the apes were in the trees and the leaves were all falling on the ground. It looked like something very powerful was coming. Since we are dealing with apes that can't talk, the actors involved had to work harder to give a more visual performance to give the characters life. Hats off to Andy Serkis. Again he shows how he can steal a scene. He brought the same kind of kinetic energy that made Gollum so memorable in the Lord of the Rings movies.
Caesar (Andy Serkis) grabs at your heart as he goes from lovable little infant to maturity. The struggles he has to fit in to the human world is something we all feel along with him. When he draws a picture of the window on the cage wall we feel his sadness and longing to go back to his childhood and the people he loves. When he's so heartbroken, depressed, hopeless, and the realization that he can't ever go home again, we see him painfully erase the picture with his old t-shirt.
This movie fits well with the established story. We see the launching of the first astronaut headed for Mars. We see the headlines in the newspapers of how the ship was lost in space.
Spoilers from this point forward! Go see it. It's the best movie I've seen all year.
It's also important to note that there isn't any kind of ape uprising in this movie. They make it clear the reason the apes take over the planet is because of humans. Will Rodman (James Franco) invents a virus that is supposed to repair brain functions. As a side effect it gave the test chimp, Bright Eyes, hyper intelligence. Bright Eyes has a baby and passes on that increased intelligence to Caesar before she herself is killed because she thought the humans were going to hurt her baby. Will uses the virus on his ailing father (Jon Lithgow) and for a while it works. He is cured of alzheimer's and is able to live a normal life; until his immune system fought back. So, Will had to create a stronger virus and make it an airborne virus that would hopefully work.
It was this airborne version of the virus that made the apes far more intelligent. Soon they are writing words, drawing more sophisticated pictures, and in one of the most shocking scenes, giving Caesar the ability to talk. However this virus had a side effect when it came into contact with humans. It kills them.
Caesar, true to his name, forms an army of apes as they break out of their prisons and fight with humans all while trying to make it to Muir Forest. And this is where the movie ends. With Caesar saying goodbye to Will, a wonderful shot of Caesar atop the tallest red wood looking out over the San Francisco Bay (symbolism: freedom) and our unfortunate carrier of the killer virus about to go fly all over the world and doom mankind.
The acting is amazing, the visuals are just perfect, and really sets up the rest of the story. I absolutely recommend it and I welcome our new primate overlords.
See you at the movies.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Coming Soon: The Friday Movie Releases
This Friday is when all the new movies are set to release. It's a time of anticipation. Many critics haven't yet set their fangs into the newest releases just yet so perhaps a great movie is just around the corner... or it could be just another cash-in waste of time and sanity. So, I'm going to tell you the good and the bad based solely on the trailers and the actors involved which ones might be worth watching.
Conan The Barbarian. Conan starts on a quest of vengance and gets over his head in a conspiracy by the mystical evil beings to destroy the world. The Good: It's going to be a high action adventure movie with a relatively simple plot and some impressive effects. The Bad: It's a movie remake, it's shot specifically for 3D so the 2D might not be so good, and the cast of characters leaves a lot to be desired.
Conclusion: This one is going to be hit or miss. Some people will enjoy the stylized computer effects and others are going to be turned off by it and that's the only real selling point of the movie. I'm expecting a movie like the Clash of the Titans remake. Skip it.
Fright Night: A man is convinced his neighbor is a vampire. The Good: It's back to form in the classic vampire movies. Vampires are blood thirsty monsters that stalk the night looking to kill people. The Bad: It's another remake of an already very good movie.
Conclusion: If you like scary monster movies, this might be for you. But give the 1985 version a chance if you're really interested. And stay away from Fright Night 2.
One Night: A romantic comedy about two friends that share a special day together. And that day continues to be significant every year for the next twenty years. The Good: Anne Hathaway doing what she does best. Romantic comedy. The Bad: It's going to be a bit more artistic in delivery than most may be accustomed to.
Conclusion: I recommend this one. I think it's going to be an interesting experiment in storytelling and should be heartwarming.
Have fun and keep watching.
Conan The Barbarian. Conan starts on a quest of vengance and gets over his head in a conspiracy by the mystical evil beings to destroy the world. The Good: It's going to be a high action adventure movie with a relatively simple plot and some impressive effects. The Bad: It's a movie remake, it's shot specifically for 3D so the 2D might not be so good, and the cast of characters leaves a lot to be desired.
Conclusion: This one is going to be hit or miss. Some people will enjoy the stylized computer effects and others are going to be turned off by it and that's the only real selling point of the movie. I'm expecting a movie like the Clash of the Titans remake. Skip it.
Fright Night: A man is convinced his neighbor is a vampire. The Good: It's back to form in the classic vampire movies. Vampires are blood thirsty monsters that stalk the night looking to kill people. The Bad: It's another remake of an already very good movie.
Conclusion: If you like scary monster movies, this might be for you. But give the 1985 version a chance if you're really interested. And stay away from Fright Night 2.
One Night: A romantic comedy about two friends that share a special day together. And that day continues to be significant every year for the next twenty years. The Good: Anne Hathaway doing what she does best. Romantic comedy. The Bad: It's going to be a bit more artistic in delivery than most may be accustomed to.
Conclusion: I recommend this one. I think it's going to be an interesting experiment in storytelling and should be heartwarming.
Have fun and keep watching.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sequels
I think it's time I talk about something positive. I don't want to be just that negative guy on the internet complaining about everything. And when it comes to movie sequels there are plenty of them that just don't live up to the original. So, how about I talk about my top three movie sequels that are way better than the original. I'm sure you can think of others but these are the ones that stand out as the top three in my mind.
3) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The First Star Wars (episode IV) is a classic. It's so iconic and sets the tone for a modern fantasy story full of evil magicians, princess in destress, and an unlikely hero being tutored by the wise sage. So how do you improve on this story? By upping the stakes in just about every way. The movie starts on a desolate planet with the Empire right on top of them and they are relentless. The plans of the Empire change as well. They went from being a rule with an iron fist to we will make the hero fall to the dark side. And for both of you that have never seen the surprise twist towards the end, I won't spoil it but the goals of Luke Skywalker change forever.
2) Aliens. The sequel to the cult hit Alien starring Sigorney Weaver. Ridley Scott is no longer the director but in comes James Cameron. The original Alien was much more of a horror movie. The tag of the movie was: "In space noone can hear you scream." In the sequel we learn more about the mysterious Aliens. And just like in all good sequels, they raise the dread. Instead of one alien, this time there is an entire colony of them. Again I won't spoil the movie for those that haven't seen it but the plot is largely the same from the original but upped times ten. Far more action and even more danger makes for a brilliant movie.
And number one is:
1) Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Are you at all surprised? Much like Alien, the original was a mix of science fiction, action, and horror that works just so well together. And again we get James Cameron fresh off of directing the Abyss and Aliens. In the original it is the Terminator (Schwarzenegger) on a relentless mission to kill Sarah Connor before she can give birth to the savior of the human race. In T2, John Conner is a teenager and the machines want him dead. This time instead of the dreaded T101, we get the liquid metal T1000. He can look like anyone, sound like anyone, and is virtually indestructable. How do you fight such a monsterous threat? With another Terminator. Schwarzenegger now is the friend of humanity with a single goal; protect John Connor. A brilliant movie.
All of these movies are worth your time and go against the rule of sequels being horrible. If you haven't had the pleasure, check them out.
See you at the movies.
3) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The First Star Wars (episode IV) is a classic. It's so iconic and sets the tone for a modern fantasy story full of evil magicians, princess in destress, and an unlikely hero being tutored by the wise sage. So how do you improve on this story? By upping the stakes in just about every way. The movie starts on a desolate planet with the Empire right on top of them and they are relentless. The plans of the Empire change as well. They went from being a rule with an iron fist to we will make the hero fall to the dark side. And for both of you that have never seen the surprise twist towards the end, I won't spoil it but the goals of Luke Skywalker change forever.
2) Aliens. The sequel to the cult hit Alien starring Sigorney Weaver. Ridley Scott is no longer the director but in comes James Cameron. The original Alien was much more of a horror movie. The tag of the movie was: "In space noone can hear you scream." In the sequel we learn more about the mysterious Aliens. And just like in all good sequels, they raise the dread. Instead of one alien, this time there is an entire colony of them. Again I won't spoil the movie for those that haven't seen it but the plot is largely the same from the original but upped times ten. Far more action and even more danger makes for a brilliant movie.
And number one is:
1) Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Are you at all surprised? Much like Alien, the original was a mix of science fiction, action, and horror that works just so well together. And again we get James Cameron fresh off of directing the Abyss and Aliens. In the original it is the Terminator (Schwarzenegger) on a relentless mission to kill Sarah Connor before she can give birth to the savior of the human race. In T2, John Conner is a teenager and the machines want him dead. This time instead of the dreaded T101, we get the liquid metal T1000. He can look like anyone, sound like anyone, and is virtually indestructable. How do you fight such a monsterous threat? With another Terminator. Schwarzenegger now is the friend of humanity with a single goal; protect John Connor. A brilliant movie.
All of these movies are worth your time and go against the rule of sequels being horrible. If you haven't had the pleasure, check them out.
See you at the movies.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
National Lampoon's Jumping the Shark
I don't get it. Look. I'm not a prude. I can get behind low brow humor. I grew up with the Three Stooges and Mel Brooks much like many of you have. Some of my favorite comedies are Mel Brooks movies. I've made it my goal to get as many of his movies on DVD as I possibly can. I love Blazing Saddles and History of the World part I. And of course my favorite comedy of all is Young Frankenstein. I'm not above sexual or perverse humor. But even I have my limits.
I'd have to say I knew I was getting too old for this type of movie was when American Pie and There's Something About Mary came out. I didn't get the joke. Seriously. I just didn't get it. I hear you now, "what's there to get? American Pie has a guy so desperate for sex he has sex with baked goods and There's Something About Mary is about a woman so sexually attractive that she makes men do stupid things to have sex with her." Yeah. That's what I don't get! If Jason Bigg's character wanted to have sex so badly he would put his penis in a pie, why not just pay for a prostitute? Because that's less rediculous? And I'm sorry, but I don't find the behavior of sexual predators endearing. If I were Mary, I'd have a can of pepper spray on me at all times. But like I said, I don't get it.
Not too long ago, I watched a movie called She's Out of My League with my Dad. He loved it. Me: less so. If the most memorable scene in the movie is Jay Baruchel cuming in his pants, I'll pass. So, someone needs to explain this to me. When did this manic glee become not only accepted, but the benchmark for all future comedies?
I bring up this topic because, as I usually do, I go out looking for movies to watch and review for my friends out there. I heard they are going to make a Harold and Kumar Christmas movie. I nearly choked on my own tongue. But it did get me thinking about National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I LOVE that movie! And it also got me curious about what other "National Lampoon" movies are out there because I haven't seen or heard of many after the Vagas Vacation bomb. And I now know why curiosity killed the cat.
Stop me when this movie starts to sound so stupid that it might collapse the sun. I'll write this word for word from wikipedia because I still can't believe such an animal can exist. A 2006 comedy film starring Paris Hilton, who also served as executive producer. Right about here is where I thought I saw the sun collapse. This is what scientists would call a singularity of stupid. A movie so vapid that no sense of good taste or comedy can escape. And this is what I mean. It's sexual humor run amok, I don't find it appealing or funny, and I have no idea how it is any different from any other sexually based comedy that has come out in the last 10 years.
Many of you might be thinking I'm exagerating. Surely this is as bad as it gets. You can't condemn an entire genre based on this one movie. Fair enough. Lets run down the list. Just for the sake of brevity I'll just name a few National Lampoon movies that will make the baby Jesus cry. National Lampoon's Boobies, National Lampoon's Barely Legal, Dirty Movie, Dirty Movie 2, National Lampoon's Dorm Daze, and National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2. Can we please just start calling movies like this what they are? It's porn people. And you don't even get any good sex scenes so it's unfunny, boring, cock tease porn.
Is it just me? Is it just that I don't get the joke?
I'd have to say I knew I was getting too old for this type of movie was when American Pie and There's Something About Mary came out. I didn't get the joke. Seriously. I just didn't get it. I hear you now, "what's there to get? American Pie has a guy so desperate for sex he has sex with baked goods and There's Something About Mary is about a woman so sexually attractive that she makes men do stupid things to have sex with her." Yeah. That's what I don't get! If Jason Bigg's character wanted to have sex so badly he would put his penis in a pie, why not just pay for a prostitute? Because that's less rediculous? And I'm sorry, but I don't find the behavior of sexual predators endearing. If I were Mary, I'd have a can of pepper spray on me at all times. But like I said, I don't get it.
Not too long ago, I watched a movie called She's Out of My League with my Dad. He loved it. Me: less so. If the most memorable scene in the movie is Jay Baruchel cuming in his pants, I'll pass. So, someone needs to explain this to me. When did this manic glee become not only accepted, but the benchmark for all future comedies?
I bring up this topic because, as I usually do, I go out looking for movies to watch and review for my friends out there. I heard they are going to make a Harold and Kumar Christmas movie. I nearly choked on my own tongue. But it did get me thinking about National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I LOVE that movie! And it also got me curious about what other "National Lampoon" movies are out there because I haven't seen or heard of many after the Vagas Vacation bomb. And I now know why curiosity killed the cat.
Stop me when this movie starts to sound so stupid that it might collapse the sun. I'll write this word for word from wikipedia because I still can't believe such an animal can exist. A 2006 comedy film starring Paris Hilton, who also served as executive producer. Right about here is where I thought I saw the sun collapse. This is what scientists would call a singularity of stupid. A movie so vapid that no sense of good taste or comedy can escape. And this is what I mean. It's sexual humor run amok, I don't find it appealing or funny, and I have no idea how it is any different from any other sexually based comedy that has come out in the last 10 years.
Many of you might be thinking I'm exagerating. Surely this is as bad as it gets. You can't condemn an entire genre based on this one movie. Fair enough. Lets run down the list. Just for the sake of brevity I'll just name a few National Lampoon movies that will make the baby Jesus cry. National Lampoon's Boobies, National Lampoon's Barely Legal, Dirty Movie, Dirty Movie 2, National Lampoon's Dorm Daze, and National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2. Can we please just start calling movies like this what they are? It's porn people. And you don't even get any good sex scenes so it's unfunny, boring, cock tease porn.
Is it just me? Is it just that I don't get the joke?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cowboys and Aliens review
There's an old joke I've been told for many years now: The only things people can count on in life is death and taxes. I think we can add one more: disappointment. That pretty much sums up my opinion of Cowboys and Aliens. It is a big disappointment.
A little backstory: I first saw the trailer for this movie when I went to see Thor with a buddy of mine. I was just being a bit of a smart mouth when it came on and said, "What is this? Cowboys and Aliens?" Because that was the dumbest title for a movie I could think of off the top of my head. My friend and I had a good chuckle at it but then the title appeared. I don't think I could close my mouth for about two minutes. I was in such shock that that really was the title of this film. I made a few more jokes about it afterwards with some other friends and they shot me some of the steely eyes of death. "Cowboys and Aliens is going to be awesome!" my friend said. "That's Jon Favreau's movie!" I let it just stop with that since I clearly was spitting on sacred ground.
I did some research into the movie just to see who was in it. I gathered from the trailer Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig were in it but I was blown away by the supporting cast. Olivia Wilde and Sam Rockwell were going to be in it as well! It was already looking up but then I saw the name that clinched it for me. I saw the name of one of the most underrated actors of my generation: Clancy Brown! I needed to see this movie. I needed it to be good.
It's not good. At all. I really don't know where to begin with this one. And for those that haven't seen it I will have spoilers from this point on. Fair warning.
We start the movie with Daniel Craig laying in a field with a metal braclet on. (Insert Wonder Woman joke here.) Three riders happen upon him (get used to that phrase: happen to meet) and want to capture him because they figure he's an outlaw because he's wounded out in the middle of nowhere. We then get a fight scene where he proceeds to kill all three men, steal their clothes, one of their horses, and even the dog that was following him. Our hero ladies and Gentlemen.
From there we are introduced to the town preacher played by Clancy Brown. He treats his wounds and pontificates a little. We already know he's going to die. I'm depressed. Then we happen upon a kid, but by kid of course I mean a guy well into his twenties whining like he's seven. He's taking shots at the tavern run by Doc played by Sam Rockwell because... he's.... bored? Then he goes into horrible exposition about how rich and powerful his daddy is and therefore he deserves free alcohol and can do whatever he wants in town. Normally, this would be a good setup for a villian but of course we aren't talking about a villian. No, we are talking about the great Harrison Ford as Dollarhide (subtle). His introduction into the movie is him about to quarter one of his subordinates because aliens came and blew up his cattle and killed two of his ranchers. Our hero? He gets word that his son is in prison because during his little tantrum in town he accidentily shot a deputy in the shoulder and in prison with him is Daniel Craig because his identity has finally been introduced to us and himself because of amnesia that he is the cold blooded stage robber and murderer Jake Lonergan. (subtle)
Dollarhide rides into town trying to take both of them because Lonergan stole some gold from him but that's where the aliens attack. They start kidnapping people in their flying grabbie things. But that's when the bracelet starts working. Turns out it's a weapon and he downs one of the flying grabbie things in one shot. But the alien manages to get out and is now on the run.
Naturally they form a posse so they can go after the alien and try to find everyone that was kidnapped. Tagging along is Ella played by Olivia Wilde. Who is she you might ask? Why she's Lonergan's love interest for this story but more on her later I promise. While on the trail they find an overturned riverboat... in New Mexico... and Dollarhide had the brilliant idea of making camp inside the incredibly out of place boat that was upside down because it was raining and he didn't want to get wet. Do I really need to mention how stupid this is or should I just scream, IT'S A TRAP like I'm Admiral Akbar in Star Wars?
Oh but don't worry. We haven't forgotten about Lonergan's amnesia subplot! We run into his old gang! And they are just so kind and wonderful too. They graciously fill in the subplothole with more exposition just before trying to kill Lonergan. But no problem because the super bracelet gun happens to activate and he shoots the leader. So, being the gang that they are and so loyal to their boss they shoot everyone dead and the movie ends. NOPE. They set their guns down and let them leave. Even though they outnumber them by oh 10 to 1 and have all the guns. It's right about here my head starts to throb a bit. But don't you worry dear reader, I'll get to the aggregious part soon.
They are out in the daylight (remember this for later there will be a test) running from Lonergan's old gang when the aliens attack and start catching more people. We have a nice little fight scene with Lonergan trying desperately to get Ella back from the aliens. He is successful until we have our jump scare and the alien punches Ella across her head. Lonergan of course kills the alien and tries to treat the wound on her stomach. I hope you caught that. It gets worse. He takes her back to the others and of course she dies. Then a group of indians happen upon our heroes. I told you I would use that phrase a lot.
The indians throw Ella's body in the fire. Why they did this I don't know. Sacrilege maybe? But no matter because she erupts in a burst of flame and she's alive again. This is where I lose it. It turns out she's an alien all along! She knows all about the aliens because she had her race wiped out by these guys too. Oh so many questions! But hey, let's have her monologue them to us because now the indians think she's a God!
Why are the aliens here? What do they want? Why are they kidnapping people? I must know! This is the moment we've been waiting for! Over half way through the whole movie and we know nothing about the antagonists of the movie! Please tell me! Why are the aliens doing all this? Gold. Uhm... What? Gold. I'm sorry. There's something wrong with my hearing these days. What was that? Gold. Oh sweet Jesus. Gold. Gold? Gold. Dollarhide even makes a joke about this! He says, "What are they going to do? Buy something!" QUIT TELLING ME THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!! Ella basically says yes. That's exactly what they will do. After killing all humans of course. Oh naturally. I don't remember too much after this for three reasons: 1) the end is what you expect. They break into the alien ship, rescue everyone, blow it up and that's it. 2) because I was face palming the entire time because of the level of stupidity I just had to endure.
And if that wasn't enough of an insult to our collective intelligence we go to 3) Lonergan gets his memory back because he was given some peyote from the indian chief. I'm going to let that sink in for a second. Calm.... breathe... you are almost finished with this review... of screw it ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! Peyote is a psychotic drug that makes you see things that aren't there! Yes, it will make you see aliens but that doesn't mean that they are the ones you are looking for! Are you insane! You're more likely to see purple floating ponies on the back of your skull than you are to get repressed memories back after ingesting peyote!
All those kidnapped people. They weren't used to mine the gold you know. No they were kidnapped so they can stare at a pool of glowing water while hanging from the ceiling. God these aliens are dumb. They could've harvested as much gold as they want. They could do their little drilling thing, left, and nobody would be the wiser. The only reason anybody knows you are even HERE is because you were abducting people! ARGH!!!! Oh yeah. I almost forgot about the significance of the daylight thing I noted earlier. You see they can't see so well in the daylight. But flying manned spacecraft is no trouble.
Death....Taxes....Disappointment.
A little backstory: I first saw the trailer for this movie when I went to see Thor with a buddy of mine. I was just being a bit of a smart mouth when it came on and said, "What is this? Cowboys and Aliens?" Because that was the dumbest title for a movie I could think of off the top of my head. My friend and I had a good chuckle at it but then the title appeared. I don't think I could close my mouth for about two minutes. I was in such shock that that really was the title of this film. I made a few more jokes about it afterwards with some other friends and they shot me some of the steely eyes of death. "Cowboys and Aliens is going to be awesome!" my friend said. "That's Jon Favreau's movie!" I let it just stop with that since I clearly was spitting on sacred ground.
I did some research into the movie just to see who was in it. I gathered from the trailer Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig were in it but I was blown away by the supporting cast. Olivia Wilde and Sam Rockwell were going to be in it as well! It was already looking up but then I saw the name that clinched it for me. I saw the name of one of the most underrated actors of my generation: Clancy Brown! I needed to see this movie. I needed it to be good.
It's not good. At all. I really don't know where to begin with this one. And for those that haven't seen it I will have spoilers from this point on. Fair warning.
We start the movie with Daniel Craig laying in a field with a metal braclet on. (Insert Wonder Woman joke here.) Three riders happen upon him (get used to that phrase: happen to meet) and want to capture him because they figure he's an outlaw because he's wounded out in the middle of nowhere. We then get a fight scene where he proceeds to kill all three men, steal their clothes, one of their horses, and even the dog that was following him. Our hero ladies and Gentlemen.
From there we are introduced to the town preacher played by Clancy Brown. He treats his wounds and pontificates a little. We already know he's going to die. I'm depressed. Then we happen upon a kid, but by kid of course I mean a guy well into his twenties whining like he's seven. He's taking shots at the tavern run by Doc played by Sam Rockwell because... he's.... bored? Then he goes into horrible exposition about how rich and powerful his daddy is and therefore he deserves free alcohol and can do whatever he wants in town. Normally, this would be a good setup for a villian but of course we aren't talking about a villian. No, we are talking about the great Harrison Ford as Dollarhide (subtle). His introduction into the movie is him about to quarter one of his subordinates because aliens came and blew up his cattle and killed two of his ranchers. Our hero? He gets word that his son is in prison because during his little tantrum in town he accidentily shot a deputy in the shoulder and in prison with him is Daniel Craig because his identity has finally been introduced to us and himself because of amnesia that he is the cold blooded stage robber and murderer Jake Lonergan. (subtle)
Dollarhide rides into town trying to take both of them because Lonergan stole some gold from him but that's where the aliens attack. They start kidnapping people in their flying grabbie things. But that's when the bracelet starts working. Turns out it's a weapon and he downs one of the flying grabbie things in one shot. But the alien manages to get out and is now on the run.
Naturally they form a posse so they can go after the alien and try to find everyone that was kidnapped. Tagging along is Ella played by Olivia Wilde. Who is she you might ask? Why she's Lonergan's love interest for this story but more on her later I promise. While on the trail they find an overturned riverboat... in New Mexico... and Dollarhide had the brilliant idea of making camp inside the incredibly out of place boat that was upside down because it was raining and he didn't want to get wet. Do I really need to mention how stupid this is or should I just scream, IT'S A TRAP like I'm Admiral Akbar in Star Wars?
Oh but don't worry. We haven't forgotten about Lonergan's amnesia subplot! We run into his old gang! And they are just so kind and wonderful too. They graciously fill in the subplothole with more exposition just before trying to kill Lonergan. But no problem because the super bracelet gun happens to activate and he shoots the leader. So, being the gang that they are and so loyal to their boss they shoot everyone dead and the movie ends. NOPE. They set their guns down and let them leave. Even though they outnumber them by oh 10 to 1 and have all the guns. It's right about here my head starts to throb a bit. But don't you worry dear reader, I'll get to the aggregious part soon.
They are out in the daylight (remember this for later there will be a test) running from Lonergan's old gang when the aliens attack and start catching more people. We have a nice little fight scene with Lonergan trying desperately to get Ella back from the aliens. He is successful until we have our jump scare and the alien punches Ella across her head. Lonergan of course kills the alien and tries to treat the wound on her stomach. I hope you caught that. It gets worse. He takes her back to the others and of course she dies. Then a group of indians happen upon our heroes. I told you I would use that phrase a lot.
The indians throw Ella's body in the fire. Why they did this I don't know. Sacrilege maybe? But no matter because she erupts in a burst of flame and she's alive again. This is where I lose it. It turns out she's an alien all along! She knows all about the aliens because she had her race wiped out by these guys too. Oh so many questions! But hey, let's have her monologue them to us because now the indians think she's a God!
Why are the aliens here? What do they want? Why are they kidnapping people? I must know! This is the moment we've been waiting for! Over half way through the whole movie and we know nothing about the antagonists of the movie! Please tell me! Why are the aliens doing all this? Gold. Uhm... What? Gold. I'm sorry. There's something wrong with my hearing these days. What was that? Gold. Oh sweet Jesus. Gold. Gold? Gold. Dollarhide even makes a joke about this! He says, "What are they going to do? Buy something!" QUIT TELLING ME THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!! Ella basically says yes. That's exactly what they will do. After killing all humans of course. Oh naturally. I don't remember too much after this for three reasons: 1) the end is what you expect. They break into the alien ship, rescue everyone, blow it up and that's it. 2) because I was face palming the entire time because of the level of stupidity I just had to endure.
And if that wasn't enough of an insult to our collective intelligence we go to 3) Lonergan gets his memory back because he was given some peyote from the indian chief. I'm going to let that sink in for a second. Calm.... breathe... you are almost finished with this review... of screw it ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! Peyote is a psychotic drug that makes you see things that aren't there! Yes, it will make you see aliens but that doesn't mean that they are the ones you are looking for! Are you insane! You're more likely to see purple floating ponies on the back of your skull than you are to get repressed memories back after ingesting peyote!
All those kidnapped people. They weren't used to mine the gold you know. No they were kidnapped so they can stare at a pool of glowing water while hanging from the ceiling. God these aliens are dumb. They could've harvested as much gold as they want. They could do their little drilling thing, left, and nobody would be the wiser. The only reason anybody knows you are even HERE is because you were abducting people! ARGH!!!! Oh yeah. I almost forgot about the significance of the daylight thing I noted earlier. You see they can't see so well in the daylight. But flying manned spacecraft is no trouble.
Death....Taxes....Disappointment.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My response to the '80s "retro" movement in Hollywood
Movies are a hobby of mine. I watch a lot of movies. The biggest reason being that I live in Korea and there's actually very little to do. For a while there is a novelty to being in another country and being out of your comfort zone. But after a while, the unknown and unfamiliar becomes familiar and even a little boring. So, when things get boring, I start looking for a little escapism and I chose to watch movies. As a consequence I would like to at least think that I've become somewhat familiar with movie trends. And what I'm seeing is a return to '80s style movies.
For those who read this that either didn't live through the 1980s or were too young to remember most of it, the '80s kinda sucked. Musically, the '80s is defined by synthetic sounds, big hair, and the less said about the New Kids on the Block and Vanilla Ice the better. But when it comes to movies, they were campy, mindless, but very entertaining. Sometimes, we get some movies and music that went against this trend and that's why they stood out as masterpieces. I'm talking about Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Highlander, Rocky, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Die Hard just to name a few. (And yes I'm well aware that Rocky and Star Wars began in the 1970s but it was close enough for me.)
So why do I bring all this up? Because everything that involved the '80s has become popular enough again that everything is getting remade. On TV we see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Voltron, and even Thundercats all modernized and relaunched for today's younger audience. We are getting "retro" movies based on 1980's television shows like GI Joe. But what bothers me the most are the remakes that are scheduled to come out: movies like Highlander and Conan the Barbarian.
My Dad often pokes fun at me because I like movies "from 30 years ago." And I take it as good natured fun. I certainly don't take offense to it. But it did get me thinking... Who doesn't like these movies? Apparently they are such great movies that Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street were so good that they had to be remade for a newer generation.
When did all this start happening? I don't know. I'm sure anyone can point to a certain movie that either did well or didn't and that was the beginning but really it's not the point. The point is that the 'retro' movement is in full swing. One of the most popular movies in the box office today is Rise of the Planet of the Apes! A prequel to the Planet of the Apes movie done way back in 1968... and remade in 2001.
I'm not against updating classic stories for today's youth. Really. I'm not. But they must be done well. Would anyone say Planet of the Apes (2001) was in any way a good movie? How about GI Joe? They're making a sequel with Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson by the way. Do you get the feeling that it's getting taken seriously? I sure don't. I'm a child of the '80s. I was born in 1980. I was around for it. The Berlin Wall fell just one day before my ninth birthday! I grew up watching the Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmonks. Do the research for yourself! 80's kids movies remade into movies today have all bombed at the box office. Parents want to take their kids to see it because it's what they grew up watching, kids want to see it because they are kids movies, studios want to make them because nostalgia is big money, and each one of them have been just HORRIBLE! Not because I'm too old to enjoy these movies, but because they fail on the most basic point in making these movies: They are nothing like what we remember them to be from our childhood. They take the name, get a bland children's script, and make a few quick bucks. It's embarrassing.
Here's the trick to nostalgia: You have a group of people that grew up with these kinds of stories. Let's take for example Conan the Barbarian. The remake hasn't been released yet but we can take some liberties from the theatrical trailer. The original came out in 1982 starring Arnold Scharzenegger and James Earl Jones. These guys were HUGE in the 1980s. They alone pushed this movie forward. As for the movie itself, it's epic. Really taking liberties with the classic story of Sparticus, Conan is kidnapped as a child and forced to work as a slave until he eventually breaks free, finds religion, and becomes a hero. Again, anyone from the 1980s probably saw this movie and liked it. So, to remake this story properly, generally speaking, we need to follow the story and get some of today's hottest actors. Who is in the 2011 Conan the Barbarian? Jason Mamoa, Rose McGowen, Rachel Nichols, and Mickey Rourke. Oh My God. Mickey Rourke aside, who are these people? Jason Mamoa? His biggest movie to date was a bit part in a Cedric the Entertainer movie? (Johnson Family Vacation) Rose McGowen some of you might remember she played a witch on the TNT TV series Charmed. Yeah. I don't remember her either. By the way, she's already being tabbed to play Red Sonja in that remake. God help us all. Has miss Rose been in any movies? Yes. She has. Scream, Death Proof, Encino Man, Monkeybone, and Biodome. If your most popular movies were supporting jobs to Pauly Shore, rethink your chosen profession. Rachel Nichols. Oh I didn't forget about you. What stellar performances have you been in to warrent being the love interest of Conan? The new Star Trek movie (a whole other rant I won't get into) GI Joe, and Dumb and Dumberer. In fairness she's done some other great dramatic movies and honestly she might do a good job. But does this cast scream "epic" to you?
Now watch the trailer for the Conan remake. What do you see? A lot of computer generated backgrounds, shaky camera shots, and scenes specifically meant to be seen with 3D glasses. (3D. also another rant for another time) But basically everything I hate about modern movies are being thrust upon a nostalgic movie and I'm supposed to just go with it and accept that this is how it is.
Where's my copy of the 1982 movie?
For those who read this that either didn't live through the 1980s or were too young to remember most of it, the '80s kinda sucked. Musically, the '80s is defined by synthetic sounds, big hair, and the less said about the New Kids on the Block and Vanilla Ice the better. But when it comes to movies, they were campy, mindless, but very entertaining. Sometimes, we get some movies and music that went against this trend and that's why they stood out as masterpieces. I'm talking about Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Highlander, Rocky, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Die Hard just to name a few. (And yes I'm well aware that Rocky and Star Wars began in the 1970s but it was close enough for me.)
So why do I bring all this up? Because everything that involved the '80s has become popular enough again that everything is getting remade. On TV we see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Voltron, and even Thundercats all modernized and relaunched for today's younger audience. We are getting "retro" movies based on 1980's television shows like GI Joe. But what bothers me the most are the remakes that are scheduled to come out: movies like Highlander and Conan the Barbarian.
My Dad often pokes fun at me because I like movies "from 30 years ago." And I take it as good natured fun. I certainly don't take offense to it. But it did get me thinking... Who doesn't like these movies? Apparently they are such great movies that Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street were so good that they had to be remade for a newer generation.
When did all this start happening? I don't know. I'm sure anyone can point to a certain movie that either did well or didn't and that was the beginning but really it's not the point. The point is that the 'retro' movement is in full swing. One of the most popular movies in the box office today is Rise of the Planet of the Apes! A prequel to the Planet of the Apes movie done way back in 1968... and remade in 2001.
I'm not against updating classic stories for today's youth. Really. I'm not. But they must be done well. Would anyone say Planet of the Apes (2001) was in any way a good movie? How about GI Joe? They're making a sequel with Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson by the way. Do you get the feeling that it's getting taken seriously? I sure don't. I'm a child of the '80s. I was born in 1980. I was around for it. The Berlin Wall fell just one day before my ninth birthday! I grew up watching the Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmonks. Do the research for yourself! 80's kids movies remade into movies today have all bombed at the box office. Parents want to take their kids to see it because it's what they grew up watching, kids want to see it because they are kids movies, studios want to make them because nostalgia is big money, and each one of them have been just HORRIBLE! Not because I'm too old to enjoy these movies, but because they fail on the most basic point in making these movies: They are nothing like what we remember them to be from our childhood. They take the name, get a bland children's script, and make a few quick bucks. It's embarrassing.
Here's the trick to nostalgia: You have a group of people that grew up with these kinds of stories. Let's take for example Conan the Barbarian. The remake hasn't been released yet but we can take some liberties from the theatrical trailer. The original came out in 1982 starring Arnold Scharzenegger and James Earl Jones. These guys were HUGE in the 1980s. They alone pushed this movie forward. As for the movie itself, it's epic. Really taking liberties with the classic story of Sparticus, Conan is kidnapped as a child and forced to work as a slave until he eventually breaks free, finds religion, and becomes a hero. Again, anyone from the 1980s probably saw this movie and liked it. So, to remake this story properly, generally speaking, we need to follow the story and get some of today's hottest actors. Who is in the 2011 Conan the Barbarian? Jason Mamoa, Rose McGowen, Rachel Nichols, and Mickey Rourke. Oh My God. Mickey Rourke aside, who are these people? Jason Mamoa? His biggest movie to date was a bit part in a Cedric the Entertainer movie? (Johnson Family Vacation) Rose McGowen some of you might remember she played a witch on the TNT TV series Charmed. Yeah. I don't remember her either. By the way, she's already being tabbed to play Red Sonja in that remake. God help us all. Has miss Rose been in any movies? Yes. She has. Scream, Death Proof, Encino Man, Monkeybone, and Biodome. If your most popular movies were supporting jobs to Pauly Shore, rethink your chosen profession. Rachel Nichols. Oh I didn't forget about you. What stellar performances have you been in to warrent being the love interest of Conan? The new Star Trek movie (a whole other rant I won't get into) GI Joe, and Dumb and Dumberer. In fairness she's done some other great dramatic movies and honestly she might do a good job. But does this cast scream "epic" to you?
Now watch the trailer for the Conan remake. What do you see? A lot of computer generated backgrounds, shaky camera shots, and scenes specifically meant to be seen with 3D glasses. (3D. also another rant for another time) But basically everything I hate about modern movies are being thrust upon a nostalgic movie and I'm supposed to just go with it and accept that this is how it is.
Where's my copy of the 1982 movie?
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